Hating BF second child

[NEladybird1269]

Hello - I EbF dc1 for a year. Assumed I’d do the same for second dc. But actively hating bf this time. Hate latching. Hate it all. The pain. The constant of it. Missing out on dc1. But feel guilty if I stopped. We are only two weeks in 🙈 has anyone else had this with second dc?! I really had no problems with dc1 and Bf

It's completely up to you what you do but two weeks is very very newly post partum. You are going to be very tired and hormonal however you are feeding and have a lot of emotions about older child. I would personally get the latch checked and see if that helps before you decide. Bottles also take time and involve two hands.

Of course no one has to breastfeed but you’ll still have to feed the baby. I combi fed and the bottle feeding took a lot more time (but maybe easier if you only do that?). Or are you saying you have lots of people around to feed the baby if you don’t have to yourself?

If it’s hurting it’s worth checking for a tongue tie regardless - will help in any feeding if you need it sorted. Took me months to notice my son’s.

Your posts read a little bit overwhelmed with going from 1-2 children. It’s hard and that’s normal. Neither child will get 100% of you and they’ll both need to share. Of course it’s an adjustment for everyone but there are great parts about it too. Maybe get your older one involved in the baby care if she’s interested. My daughter loved bringing me a blanket and then we’d cozy in together - I’d feed the baby and read her a book. If it was a bottle she’d ‘help’. You can absolutely still have the time with her alongside the baby, particularly now when the baby is so small.

Yikes, people are negative about breastfeeding.

It's very early days. If it's doable, I'd get someone to look at the latch and give your new bub a bit longer to learn to feed easily. The first few weeks are hard.

It won't be like this long term. Babies get a lot more efficient with feeds over the first few weeks. If you stop, you'll still be spending time making bottles / feeding baby.

And dad spending all the time with DC1 is normal in the first few weeks. It will change quickly as DC2 grows.

I found breastfeeding my second harder than I had expected. I had forgotten that the first few weeks were tough and somehow thought I would start where I had left off with feeding a toddler. Obviously it wasn’t like that!

I had a similar age gap with my children and the older one used to cuddle up to me on one side while I was feeding her sister, so I didn’t feel guilty that I was neglecting her.

Sometimes, if I was particularly tired, I would use feeding as an excuse for a treat of television time and we would settle down and watch the Teletubbies or the Tweenies together!

In the first couple of weeks, the baby slept a lot during the day, so there was plenty of time to spend doing things just with the older one.

I’d try and hang in there. It doesn’t sound like breastfeeding is the main issue, and that will get easier as things settle down. It’s the missing your first child and feeling guilty about spending less time with them that is the main problem.

You could try combi feeding? This worked brilliantly for my DC2. I breastfed twice a day - the rest were bottles. Meant I could give up BF when I needed to with no hassle.

I remember this phase. It felt so wrong to be focusing on feeding baby when toddler needed me, and of course toddler needed me whenever baby needed feeding.

Youre so very, very conscious that you've upended their world, you can see them struggling, you literally miss your toddler with every fibre of your being. I found it a really hard adjustment.

But.

Child 1 needs to learn that Child 2's needs matter as much as their own. They need to adjust to being part of a family, not an only sibling. I honestly think its best for them to ride out this adjustment period just like you have to. Sometimes Child 1's needs come first. Sometimes Child 2's do. Child 2 must be fed, then I will play, snuggle. Mummy still has enough love for everyone. They'll get it, and their lives will be richer for it.

I found Siblings Without Rivalry really helpful through this phase. It helped me never blame the baby for everything.

The challenge of how to spread your time from now on is your no.1 challenge.

If you want to quit bf because you dont enjoy it, of course do. But I dont think you should quit to enable more time and attention for Child 1. Its best they learn they have a sibling whos needs are as important as their own, but mummy loves both, asap.

Can you not express and bottle feed?

Thanks all some really helpful
comments. And agree with the posters who pointed out that I mainly feel overwhelmed with sharing my time as opposed to the BF itself. I think that is the case. I’m not going to do anything or make a decision in a rush. X

Sending lots of solidarity. I found PP much harder with my second than I thought I would and she was a dream and fed well. It's just a tricky time with emotions.

Remember breastfeeding is a chance for you to rest as well.

This was exactly me. My second is now 6months and we did stick with breastfeeding.

I found the beginning really difficult. DS2 was feeding constantly and my 3 year old was a bundle of energy wanting to play and it was impossible to meet both their needs and recover myself.

Also to those saying it shouldn't hurt, sometimes it just does. With both of mine I found breastfeeding very painful for the first 8-10 weeks and got recurrent mastitis, blockages, cracks, blebs etc. I had then checked for tongue tie and saw different lactation consultants who absolutely helped but did not make it painless. After around 2ish months it settled and I bf DS1 for 18months and am at 6months with ds2. Just adding that because I really beat myself up that it was so difficult second time round and I should have learnt, it must be my fault. It wasn't, I had a great lactation consultant who said sometimes it sucks but you can keep going only if you want to and it will get better. She was right, it's painless and so helpful to be able to calm him instantly.

Was it the right decision to keep feeding? DS1 had a lot of screen time and it was an adjustment. In the end I am glad I stuck with it as it makes things so easy, we can be out and about with the toddler and just whack a boob out to keep the second happy. But, it's way, way harder than people give credit for.

I sorta don’t think this is a bf but more a fitting baby onto family with older sibling. Of course you are going to spend more time with your new baby - not sure your kind has adjusted to that yet.

A 2.5 year old isn’t writing in a book every minute you spend and comparing to before baby came.

If OH works you will still be doing a majority of bAby feeds so that ain’t going to change.

My first bf baby really hurt for a few weeks and then it was much better. My next didn’t hurt at all. Depends on position, latching, placement etc.

You can get support for bf and it absolutely does get much better. But the additional baby adjustment will take time.

Sorry OP but it kinda sounds like this adjustment is hard and you are blaming breastfeeding.

That will take even longer!

It's pointless. Feeding a baby from the breast is the easiest and most efficient way of getting the milk into them.

I think it sounds like the OP is feeling overwhelmed and guilty for bringing a new baby into her toddler's life. That's normal and understandable.

I would wait a bit longer, in another couple of weeks it will likely be easy with no pain etc as you and baby get used to each other! Could you try feeding in a sling? Then you can be with your older child at the same time.

I would consider things like, if you keep BFing, the baby cries, you quickly whip out a boob and feed them while still being able to talk to, read to, and interact with DC1. When bottle feeding you'll have to go to the kitchen and sort out the bottle while baby might be crying and DC1 gets less interaction.

Please seek out specialist breastfeeding support.

I don't know about you but I was never "in love" with my babies immediately - the love was a duty bound one. So when #2 came along, I really missed being on my own with my eldest, I knew them, was in love with that little person and then this baby came along to get in the way! The feeding was not the issue (I mean, it was in its own way), it was the guilt of feeling like I'd upended her life. But this happens however you feed #2.

All this to say - switch to bottles if you want and it would work, but I wonder if the issue is more guilt/missing your firstborn - they will have to share you now, however you feed their sibling.

I don't know about you but I was never "in love" with my babies immediately - the love was a duty bound one.

Yes indeed, I really relate to this.
It did take a while before I fell in love with all my babies.

Breastfeeding was excruciatingly painful for me (tongue tie) and our first 4 weeks were horrendous - constant, and I mean constant, feeding. The pain made me cry. Virtually no sleep for me or baby. BUT once tongue tie snipped things improved quickly - I couldn't believe how easy and quick it all was by 8 weeks. I breastfed until 15 months. So a difficult start doesn't mean it'll always be that way.

But if you don't want to breastfeed then don't. If you do want to, then remember that the first weeks can be very challenging while breastfeeding is being established for a lot of women. It's usually much easier from 6-8 weeks on. I know that seems like forever away at the moment. Do reach out for help regarding the latch/pain - hopefully that can be resolved quickly.

Hard relate.

Spent the first few months feeling I'd made a mistake.

A few years later can't imagine life without them.

The coercion in this thread is off the charts, and really reprehensible.

OP, it’s ok if you want to bottle feed. Really.

I'm not convinced that the OP wants to bottle feed her baby.

I think she'd like things just to go back to the way they were, with her first child. It's a normal and very common reaction to a second baby.

Bottle feeding won't change that.

Don’t be silly. It’s balanced. The op may regret stopping if the issue is about shared time. That’s all that is being kindly suggested.

Of course you must do what is right for you but 2 weeks pp is still early days and no time to make big decisions.
Do get the baby checked out for tongue tie because pain should be gone or improving by 2 weeks.
Also if you bottle feed you will still need to find time making bottles, washing and sterilising and baby will still want feeding on demand.
If you hang on in there I found BFing my second much easier after the newborn stage because you can feed on the go more easily so when you’re doing things with DD1, and also be able
to just pop a boob out to feed when you’re playing with DD1!
I disagree about DH having to do everything too, he actually should have to do more at this time because you’re doing something very important feeding a newborn.

BFing gets much easier over time, the 2 week mark is incredibly hard.

And the choice is not BF or nothing. You still have to make and feed the bottle of formula.

Most mums I know find BF easier when they have another older child as well as they're not faffing around with bottles too.

I'd persevere and re-assess later on. To have made it to 2 weeks is HUGE, don't throw away the effort because of mixed feelings about your older one. You'd feel sad about not being able to give them 100%of your attention anyway.

Two weeks! Nothing makes sense at two weeks, be kind to yourself.

You could ask DH to do an evening formula feed so you can do bedtime with dc1?
Longer term breastfeeding was much easier to manage with two because I didn't need to think about prepping bottles and I got very good at feeding one handed whilst doing things with dc1. But at two weeks I hated it, and felt guilty for admitting that, it hurts, I always found the let down very stingy, I didn't find it a lovely bonding experience, well not more than other activities and I was exhausted. adding in a formula feed worked for me, it was only one bottle to make up each day not loads, and it meant I could do bath time with dc1, get an early night and a bit of sleep before the night feeds or go out with friends without the baby once I was a bit less exhausted.

Thanks everyone. To be honest I’ve found all the messages helpful and lots for me to think about / will see how things pan out. But I feel slightly better I think. I also managed to do DC1 bedtime last night. She said she was happy for me to feed baby on a chair next to her bed while she laid in bed and her and I chatted before she fell asleep as we used to. So that was nice.