Group party not invited

[Kim926]

My little one is in Reception.

He’s been playing well with almost everyone, and his teachers have given him good feedback.

There’s a parents’ group chat, and one of the mums posted that three mums have sent out birthday invitations. She asked people to reply if they’ve received one and can attend.

We haven’t received any invitation, but from the responses, it seems we’re among the few who didn’t. According to my child, one of the girls (whose mum is hosting one of the parties) can be quite “cheeky” — she cries a lot and has said “no” (not to come near her) to my little one quite aggressively a few times. He even cried at home after school because of it.

I feel bad for him, and I can’t help wondering if it might be because we’re the only East Asian family (though I know that may not be the reason).

We were thinking about sending out invitations for my child’s birthday party soon. At first, we planned to invite everyone, but now I’m not so sure.

Any advice on what we should do?

It's not a nice feeling trying to work out why your child isn't invited. Try to not dwell on it - there's lots of reasons why. Don't take it personal. Could be that your child wasn't at the same nursery/childminders/toddler groups etc...

At this age they often aren't friends they are just thrown together and settling into class. Friendships are frequently engingered by parents until.the child starts thinking more independently and thinks "I like them they are kind/funny/dance the best "etc...

If you want to do a whole class party - do it. If you really don't then down size. What would your child like?

We found the parents in the first few months of reception whose child had a birthday had to negotiate big party/small/no party. It gets easier.

I used to find all this very hard, OP. I will never forget sitting in a cafe with my closest friend (our daughters were also best friends) and her asking me what we were planning to buy X friend for his birthday party. I said that my daughter had not been invited. She did look embarrassed. My daughter probably went to other parties that her daughter didn't - but it feels hard at the time.

I would have a party for your son and invite everyone, just as you intended.

As for the little girl who is pushing him away, just keep advising him to respect her wishes and play with his other friends. It is so hard seeing your children cry but it sounds as though he has integrated well and has lots of other friends. He sounds like a lovely little boy and the party stuff is honestly all par for the course at this age.

They really should not post about these things on WhatsApp unless it involves everyone. I’d be tempted to say that ‘please unless it includes everyone could birthday party chat be on a separate chat’.
If your child is happy inviting the whole class why not still do that? And don’t tie yourself in knots trying to figure out why your child hasn’t been invited.

It may be an element of racism; children can sometimes be pretty brutal about people that look different to the faces they're used to.

If so, her DP have done her a big disservice by not blowing that shit wide open and talking about feelings/ kindness, and helping her understand that everyone has and needs these.

I agree you should rise above it - if there is an element of racism in your DS's exclusion, it will become apparent. Sorry for your upset in any case x