Not coping ….

[patsypam]

Hi, I’m a first time mum, to a very wanted DS who is 10.5months old, as a newborn, he was a dream…. And remained as such until 8 months, very content, chilled, smiley, calm. Then it was quite literally like a switch flicked overnight and he’s become the most whingy, unhappy, kid.

He’s not unwell, (been checked over) all his needs are met. I go through the process of elimination every single day, yet he’s just miserable. Pram is a no go - carrier he’ll tolerate for a while. Feeding is a nightmare, he ether refuses or spits it out, toys - uninterested, even suitable household objects, not interested. All he wants is my phone is he spots it, which I don’t allow, then ensues a Tantrum. baby groups, he’s uninterested, spends the entire time crawling up me a whinging, so they’re a waste of time. Plus, mums don’t seem to actually interact, they all ether go with another mum they know or a family member and stay to themselves and I’ve attended several.
My saving grace is, he sleeps well at night, wakes at 6am, goes down around 7.30pm. But all those 13.5 hours are relentless.

I told extended mat leave, so don’t return till start of next year, childminder has no space to take him before then - no where else has space and wouldn’t take him on in the interim.
DH family out the picture. My family all work full time.

I'm just at my wits end. I’m completely and utterly depleted. I feel numb. I’m beyond mentally and physically exhausted by the relentlessness of the last 2.5 months.

spoke to the health visitor about it just last week, who just smiled and nodded and said ‘it’s hard isn’t it’. No shit …
Im a long term suffer of MH, this has been reviewed by my GP, slight med adjustments made but in all honestly I don’t think it’s a mental health thing, is a exhausted and at my wits end thing.

I don’t know what I’m looking for with this post … probably hoping to hear it’s just a phase (which is what I thought to begin with, but two months in… maybe not). I genuinely think he hates being a baby… but I don’t know how to solve that?!

He crawls with ease, cursing around holding onto furniture at every chance, has free roam of the home.. what more can I do?!
Husband works 7-6 mon-Fri. So solo parenting most the time.

Gosh this sounds hard. I have been there and got the t shirt.

Firstly, remember this will pass - it is only a phase.

Secondly when I could afford it I put child with a childminder 2 afternoons a week. Similarly the other went to a private nursery 2 afternoons a week.

It was a savings grace, put an ad out on FB you might be surprised who has space for a day or few afternoons a week.

Also you are probably absolutely shattered. The first year is so hard but it will get easier in time.

Is his poops ok? Is it his teeth? Something you are feeding him. Try playing nursery rhymes?

I have a 1 year old who sounds quite similar, an absolute dream up until 11 months but the last month has been really tough. Our sleep has gone to shit too though.

I’m telling myself it’s teething as she only has her bottom two (although no obvious signs of teething, but it gives me hope), but it is so so hard and I’m finding myself looking forward to my work days.

These things are just a phase though. I have a 3 year old too and I’ve been through the ups and downs many many times so I do truly believe that… I think I’d just let myself think I might have become gods favourite with my second after such an easy start 🤣

can he walk?

Mine was very hard work at that age. I think I posted here under a different name, very similar.

He became much happier around 12 months when he could walk properly. He's 14 months now and super happy and funny. But extremely hard work. I don't think I could be with him 24/7, I'd actually die of a mixture of boredom and exhaustion. I need someone to take him for a few hours to hear myself think.

He's also dropped to one nap a day which means we now have 5-6 hour wake windows FML.

My baby was an absolute dream until this age before becoming miserable! She just wanted to do everything she couldn't and felt royally pissed off at that.

Always remember "nothing every lasts with kids". This is the good AND the bad.

It's a phase, one they grow out of eventually once walking comes.

At this age we started swim lessons because it was new and different. Once a week we both went swimming together and once a week we went for a lesson together. Not for swim skills but just for a mental break!

I was the "I'd stay at home with her forever if I could" mum until this age. I quickly switched to "I can be a good mum if I have something else to go to!".

Just hold on. It will get better. For a bit, then it might be hard again.. it's up and down but always remember an up is coming!

Promise it will get better, before you know it he'll be weaned and moving around more and much more independent.
Can you try a friendship app like Peanut to meet local mums who are actually interested in making new friends? Lots of fresh air each day? Soft plays/swimming? Don't underestimate how much teething affects them!
Hope things get easier for you 💐

I sadly did exactly that - no one is taking on. Most spaces filled up before September and anyone else isn’t willing for a temp placement at risk of turning away a permanent one, which I totally get.

he does suffer with constipation a fair bit, he’s on movicol for that (previously lactulose) he does go everyday, he just struggles to get it out.

I am absolutely shattered - to the point my body genuinely aches in places I didn’t know possible.

he’s got 6 teeth so far - I did think teething, so kept giving nurofen, calpol and ambesol over weeks but nothing helped and I couldn’t see any visable signs of teething. I was praying it was - so it wouldn’t last. But I don’t think it is. He has a varied diet so can’t say it’d be that.
and nursery Rhymes galore, honestly, I’ve tried EVERYTHING. He’s just a constant misery.

Not yet xxxxx

Completely resonated with your last sentance. I remember me and DH saying frequently we’d hit the jackpot. Now I can’t believe how naive we were.

I was also clinging onto hope it was teething. But it’s been constant for months and no signs of new teeth. (He’s got 6 so far, 4 top, two bottom.) I was dosing him up thinking it maybe but it clearly wasn’t and I didn’t want to keep giving him painkillers. X

It’s a really difficult age as they want to do something anything but can’t do much. We looked at trains or building sites, child in buggy. Went to the park, pushed gently on swing or kept hold of on slide.
and this was the point they started watching CBeebies. Mr Tumble, hey Duggee and yakka Dee were favourites.
BBC schools radio website has some really good nursery rhymes with very simple animations, lots of counting rhymes and action rhymes

I sympathise so much. I knew my first had been easy, but even then I hated the 6 months to walking phase with her. My second took me to the edge of madness with just how difficult he was in comparison.

Looking back (he's 3 and a half now) I think he wanted to get stuck into everything. But equally wanted to do it himself, or at least not be constrained by me. In short he hated being an immobile baby, and crawling wasn't fast enough for him. It was walking or nothing, and it really didn't help he was a bit slow with his gross motor skills (crawled at 10 months, walked just shy if 18 months). It frustrated him no end, and the only way he could communicate that was being utterly miserable about it, which made me utterly miserable in turn. And his sleep.... Oh God his sleep was so bad.

I wish I had a magic solution that made everything fine, but unfortunately the only thing that worked in the end was time. He just had to develop enough to suit his own needs. His terrible twos certainly made up for my daughter's lack thereof. But be assured, it will end.

Once he could move, had enough language and enough emotional maturity to understand and be reasoned with he's turned into the most wonderful little boy. He's still stubborn as all heck, wears his heart on his sleeve, and has an independent streak a mile wide. But he can tell us exactly what he wants and will tolerate being told no without instantly dropping to the ground in a tantrum. The tantrums are still fairly frequent, but it's still so much better than before.

@Autumn1990he won’t tolerate the pram, he seems to hate being restricted. I’m really hoping once he begins walking, a lot of this frustration will ease off. But I don’t know if I’m again, being naive in my wishful thinking…

Ive tried CBeebies, not interested. (Which I guess isn’t such a bad thing), but he’s far more interested in getting into anything and everything he shouldn't.

I sing nursery rhymes, daily… it gets his attention for maybe one song. Then, not bothered. X

@Dyrai think for me it’s just the total 360 in his personality, from being such a placid, content, smiley baby… to literally feral 😂 overnight. I didn’t see it coming, at all. Genuinely for the first few months of his life, we didn’t even hear him cry.

but; 100%, I think a lot of it is frustration. He seems to know what he wants, or doesn’t. And I’m just constantly playing the guessing game, and clearly!! Guessing wrong 99% of the time. He very confidentially moves around holding onto something, sometimes just one handed, so I’m really hoping he’s on the cusp of walking… he’ll occasionally stand on the spot unaided for a second or two aswell. And while I know once he’s fully mobile, it’ll come with its own challenges, I feel it’ll also hopefully (please god) overcome a few. Just to be able to get out the house without a full on tantrum because he needs to go on the pram etc, but instead be able to toddle next to me. I genuinely think he hates being a baby, he’s very alert, always has been. Has hit all his milestones so far.
His speech is very limited, he’ll say mamama and dadada although sometimes it doesn’t seem as though he’s saying it with purpose but more just saying it. So I think were away off better communication yet.

thank you for reaching out though - I know I need to just keep going but my god, it’s hard. And with no village.. it’s very isolating. X

It's common IME that they get really frustrated and whingey between the point where they realise they want to move but they haven't quite figured out how to do it. All of my children went through it (I have three).

Lots of floor time helps them develop those muscles in order to hopefully minimise the whiny period. And access to things to pull up on - a coffee table, sofa, footrest etc are about the right size. Maybe see if you can do activities up at that level, like looking at a sand or water table. As he can crawl, I would also suggest parks which have a toddler section, soft play, maybe something like Tumble Tots.

This is great and inexpensive too - it can be a rocking thing or a little hill to crawl over or a bridge for cars, something to roll cars/balls into, a curved wall, loads of different play opportunities: www.decathlon.co.uk/p/size-s-balance-and-motor-skills-board/_/R-p-333097

You can get trike things where they sit in it like a pram and you push it, then later on you remove parts so it becomes a proper trike for them - this might work for getting to local things. I don't think it would be that good for trying to travel very far, but might be worth looking into.

Oh and if he's getting into things he shouldn't, schema play is brilliant for this - you can figure out from the thing they keep trying to do, what schema they are likely to be in and then look up activities relating to that schema, which are more likely to interest them than other activities.

This is just a random article I found about it which summarises the whole concept: https://www.famly.co/blog/play-schemas-and-why-they-matter