Breaking point

[Sheau]

I have two children, 2.5 year old (DS) and 10 month old (DD). Both my partner and I work full time in vocational jobs that are almost impossible to go part time in (I’m also the breadwinner). My DP does a huge amount - does most of the toddler night wakes, does the nursery drop off and pick-up, does the nightly reset post dinner etc. I’m co-sleeping and still BF. I pump at work for my youngest. I do all the family admin (bills, appointments, food shop order etc) and all the cooking. My DS hasn’t been hugely well this last year, he had surgery in July but is doing better now. I’m just setting out the context so there’s no drip feed. I don’t think my DP could do more.

Lately, maybe for a while now, I’ve been feeling totally and utterly overwhelmed. Tearful, frustrated, angry for no reason. I struggle to feel that I’m adding any kind of value to my children’s lives at the moment. Everything is just SO hard. Does everyone else find it this hard ?? I’m so tired, I feel like I must be doing something wrong. My youngest is not sleeping (teething and nursery bugs) and she just wants a boob in her mouth all night long. I have a lot of guilt about weaning my eldest too suddenly around this age and so I don’t know how I can cut down feeding DD very easily without bringing that all up. She just cries and cries if I don’t feed her back to sleep. There’s no time for myself, at all, let alone time for my DP. My eldest doesn’t fall asleep until 8.30/9, the baby is up at 5.30am. My DS is suddenly jealous of my DD and is defiant literally all of the time - I’m constantly thinking it’s something I did rather than his age. My MIL told me recently his behaviour was “too much” and I needed to be firmer with him. We also have two (wonderful) dogs who used to be such a source of comfort and love to me, and now just feel like chores under my feet. I don’t recognise myself.

Does anyone have any advice on how to ease the pressure, or just some solidarity. I feel like a such a failure of a mother.

That sounds so hard - if I could give you a hug, I would! Hopefully some parents of 2 will be along to give a more experienced view but I have a 3.5 year old so am no stranger to the highs and dramatic lows of parenting a young child 😬

My first instinct is that you need to prioritise your wellbeing and I think that should be with antidepressants and, if money would allow, also counselling. Go to the doctors and tell them how you’re feeling. Antidepressants will help clear the clouds so you can feel lighter and think more clearly. I did it when I was struggling (my core issue is always anxiety but I get depressed too) and it has helped me so much.

Also never forget, this too shall pass ❤️ In what will feel like no time at all, you’ll look back and it will feel so long ago. Look after yourself xx

You have a toddler and a baby op, it’s an exhausting time. You are doing nothing wrong at all. I think maybe weaning the night feeds would be good or trying expressed milk in a sippy cup to wean off the boob for comfort if you’re able to go through the crying for a few nights. I don’t have much advice but I’m 10 years on from this stage with a 13 and 10 year old and sometimes I long for the days when they were so tiny but other times I remember just how bloody hard it was!! You will get through it though, you’re in the trenches right now. My son was also a nightmare at 3- worst he’s ever been. Once he hit 4 he was much much better. I think 2.5-3.5 is a very very hard age, particularly if you’re dealing with a baby too

You’re not failing, you’re just completely overloaded. Anyone would feel like this. Try to cut back on anything that doesn’t truly matter right now. Ready meals or batch cooking can save you hours. If you can afford it, get a cleaner even once a fortnight, or trade favours with a friend for a short break. Ask nursery if they’ll take an extra half day to give you breathing room. For the baby, try handing some of the night feeds to your partner using expressed milk so you can get a solid stretch of sleep. And please talk to your GP or health visitor about how you’re feeling, because burnout sneaks up fast when you’re running on empty. You’re doing so much already, it’s okay to ask for help.

I wish i could give you a hug! Of course you are feeling exhausted.

With the usual disclaimer that all babies are different, it was about this age that i stopped feeding my DC to sleep at the beginning of the night. He had his last meal 2 hours before he normally went to sleep, then I would do bathtime (an hour before sleep time) and final feed, brush teeth and loads of cuddles for 30 mins, then DP took over for getting into PJs, story, more cuddles then into sleep sack + cot. For the first few days he took a fair bit of rocking and cuddling to sleep but he immediately did longer stretches. I still went in to him and coslept/ fed back to sleep when he woke in the v early morning but immediately i was able to get a long stretch. I nightweaned when he was about 14 months.

Of course you're tired. Children that age are incredibly tiring! Add in work and you'll be exhausted.

It WILL get easier. My DC are now 9, 4, 4 and nearly 2. I wont say im feeling wonderfully refreshed, but I do get MUCH more sleep than I was getting a year ago. And the time we have together awake is also more pleasant in many ways - children all have longer stretches of amusing themselves so I am refreshed and happier interacting with them rather than wishing I could get a break from them.

Is pumping necessary? I hated pumping. Miserable thing, and taking up time that you could be chatting to adults/genuinely relaxing briefly during the work day. At that age two of mine would take at least some formula while I was at work. One was a total bottle refuser and wouldnt touch a drop of expressed or formula, but would have water out of a cup and had a massive feed when I got home from work. You dont have to pump to maintain feeding - i never pumped once I was back at work but fed the older 3 till I chose to wean at 2.5ish and still feeding the youngest. I prefer not to wean till past all the nursery/playgroup bugs.

Drop as many standards as you possibly can and prioritise rest. No matter how grubby the house gets, it can always be clean again in a few months time. Your health and sanity are more important than vacuumed floors or a tidy kitchen.

Outsource anything you can. Ask family and friends for help so you can rest. Many mums have been there before and will happily take yours to the playground with theirs. I would do that for any mum at the toddler groups I go to. And will always, always remember the mum who came and took my boys out for a pram ride in the snow for an hour so I could sit quietly and read to my eldest, who was seriously missing lap time. Honestly, people are almost certainly more happy to help than you realise.

Thank you so much for all the kind words and advice 😭

I think there probably is an element of PND going on but I had antidepressants once over ten years ago and I really didn’t like how they made me feel over time so I’ve been quite resistant to going down that route again. I’ll keep it in my back pocket if things really don’t improve.

@Mulledjuice thats a good idea, I quite like the idea of seeing if that will give me some longer stretches and also frees me up so my partner can do her bedtime sometimes.

@TinyTeachr i know you’re right, the pumping is ridiculous at this point. I think I thought it might be helpful for her to have some BM in the day while there are so many bugs and viruses going around, but maybe it doesn’t matter if she’s fed before and after nursery. I’m not anti formula, she has formula during the day too. I’m also not sure how to stop, do I just … stop? My boobs always feel so painful by 3pm.

You can just pump (or hand express) just enough to relieve anu discomfort, you dont have to pump a full feed.