Worn out by my children!

[Wolffie17]

Looking for sage words and reassurance from people who've been in a similar situation... my children (DS 19 and DD 17) have both been thoroughly miserable at school for the last 2-3 years and leaned on me a lot during this period. At the same time, DH was diagnosed with incurable cancer and has been through a lot of treatment and has also needed a lot of support. (Doing well now, thankfully, though it may recur at any time.) I have been working throughout (two different part time jobs).

DS is now at uni and is starting to feel a bit happier, but still calls me most days needing reassurance of some kind. DD has changed schools and has now moved from our excellent state school down the road, where she was thoroughly miserable due to bullying, to an independent school an hour away. The new school is great and she is mostly much happier so far, but a few issues are starting to get her - and therefore me - down.

The main issue is that just before she left the school after two extremely unhappy years, she got a boyfriend at that school. They are still together and through him she has developed a bit of a social life which she never had before. So now she is feeling torn between her new school where friendships have not formed yet (though the potential is there) and her old school where there is the trace of the life she wanted but never had while she was there.

Add to this the long commute, and a longer school day anyway, and she is starting to regret her decision to move. Today she broke down in tears saying that she feels massive FOMO for all the social events at her old school she can't be part of (like trips into town at lunchtime) and is exhausted by her commute and feels a fool for having chosen a much harder lifestyle over the one she had before.

I am obviously pretty gutted about all this, especially given the agonies we went through choosing the school (it was an extremely drawn out process involving much soul searching). It feels as though we are going to just carry on with all the misery of the last two years, but with a massive price tag attached! Selfishly, I was also just so hopeful that I would get a break from the enormous amount of emotional support I have had to provide for so long, and that we could have a short period of plain sailing until the next thing happens... (Today's breakdown happened on a day when I had taken a day off work to do the garden (my main passion, which has been very neglected) and as a result I didn't get outside until mid-afternoon, so I feel frustrated about that too.)

I guess I'm looking for words of wisdom for anyone whose child has moved school and had doubts but then ended up happy? Or how to counsel your child about coping with FOMO, which is a life skill because all of us miss out on a party/wedding/fun event at times - sometimes because we're going to some other fun event instead! Or anything else positive you can offer because atm I feel really down about this :-(

Hi Op, I think your title should be Worn out from Life!
I understand how you feel about that, I too have had alot to deal with the past 5yrs. IF your DD is that unhappy, could she go back to her old school? At 17 is she of college age? IF not then she will have to accept the consequences of her choice to move and realise that it's only for a Yr or 2.

Ha ha yes maybe it should be Worn out from Life! I feel bad complaining because we have a good life really (well all right the cancer is a bit shit), no money worries for example. But we don't seem to be enjoying it very much!

She could move back in theory (though it's getting late in the term for a move I think) but I'm not convinced that's the right answer either. I think she has got rose tinted glasses on and that all the same issues would quickly resurface.

I think you're right that I need to help her accept her choice and learn from it - it has certainly made her realise that she won't want a long commute in future, for example!

I would tell her if she went back to her old school, the bullying could start up again and she could end up miserable. She wanted to move schools, you did it and now she needs to try & make friends there as she cant keep swapping & changing. To be mention the previous school might not accept her back?

Hope you get a break soon op, you deserve it.

Yes I think you're right. At some stage you do just have to accept your choices, and it's just for two years after all. It's just hard watching your children struggle isn't it.

I found when I had children that age the emotional support was absolutely exhausting.

i’d suggest trying to carve out some time for you and slowly being less available. Sounds like your teen at uni is undergoing that process organically.

Nice to feel someone else understands... did your children just mature out of it? My DS does indeed seem to be doing that, which is a relief. Like I say, I do feel bad complaining because I know so many have much worse things to cope with, but my emotional batteries are nearly empty right now. Thanks for listening.

I wonder if scheduling talks with her might help. Can you take her out for dinner one evening a week and or breakfast once a week? Make it a special treat and an opportunity for her to talk about what's going on and then wrap it up when you leave? I think she doesn't understand you need time to yourself so try and preempt the long discussions from happening during your unwinding time.

Pretty much, yes.

they’re young adults now. I have one temporarily back at home but both have been moved out for 3yrs plus.

once settled at uni the daily/weekly contact dropped a lot. I still got contact in crisis situations eg mum the electricity in our flat has been cut off because the previous owners had a lot of debt and got blavklisted (that was fun evening on the phone) but otherwise it really did slowly settle.

i’ve got one back with me now as relationship broke up.

Oh I really, really hear you OP. My DC are similar ages to yours, and have been through various turmoils over the past few years which I've been supporting them through. I love them both to the ends of the earth, but I'm really a shell of my former self, as it's so exhausting and all-consuming.

Personally, I would offer comfort to your DD (which I'm sure you are doing) during this 'wobble' but encourage her to stay where she is and be positive about her new school. She'll settle in time, and might make a new bunch of friends. I'm sure she'll benefit from this move in the longer run. I assume she's started yr 12 so A Levels? The work will increase and she won't have much time to think about her old school too much, and it sounds like the school is good for her academically.

If she's still with her boyfriend from the old school then that's really nice, it means that she's got different 'areas' in her life and is being positive and forward-thinking by having these separate elements. Does she have a Saturday job, or a volunteering job? This really helped my eldest to branch out and make new friends but obviously it depends on what's available in your area.

That's reassuring to hear tbh. I love my kids to bits but I really need a better balance right now! Sorry to hear about the relationship break up - hope that hasn't been too hard.

Yes that's a good idea. I think I'm a bit too available atm! It's hard changing patterns/habits isn't it. Thanks for the suggestion x

OP I feel for you. What a rough few years you’ve had as a family.

as others have suggested, I’d be inclined to remind her of the difficulties she had at her previous school as she may be looking back with rose tinted glasses, particularly if the transitions been tricky and long journey now etc, mixed in with boyfriend at old school making it seem more tempting.

For the sake of a year or two, mixed in with the huge upheaval and effort to get her to this school, I’d be chalking it up to a life lesson, she’s old enough to have made her choice and understood, and you are there for support, but unless something catastrophic happened at new school, I would probably be making it clear she wouldn’t be moving it back ( if I was in your shoes)

Sorry to hear you've also been going through it. It's heavy going isn't it. I know we all have tricky periods in life, but to support three people at the same time has been a lot! I hope yours come through it soon.

Thank you for the advice about encouraging her to stick it out. One of my tendencies is to try to leave every option on the table as long as possible, and actually that's not always helpful. Honestly I do believe it's a good move for her, but of course I can see that when she's tired it's hard to remember the reasons for moving.

Personally I feel she has the best of both worlds rather than the worst of each, so I just need to persuade her to see it that way too!

I think that's really good advice - as I said to someone else, I tend to try to keep all options open as long as possible, but actually sometimes it helps you accept a situation if you feel that's your reality now and there are no other choices. And I think you're right about the life lesson. I just feel sad for her that life has taken this turn so she can't just close down the last chapter and move on, which would have been so much easier on us all!

I really hear this OP. I have 3 DC (18, 16 & 16) and I am so so drained. They are wonderful people but this stage of life is v difficult to navigate and I am glad they all feel they can turn to me but three at once is nearly killing me (one starting uni, one finding new school making her v miserable). I keep telling myself this is just a short season.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through it too! As you say, it's lovely to be close to them but it's really heavy going - and you have three of them! Sorry one of your DDs is unhappy at school, it's so difficult (and not something I expected tbh, especially not with my DD who is extremely outgoing and loves a party!). It is indeed a short season though. Stay strong! Hugs!

When I think back to my own parents when I was in my late teens, they had very little input to or knowledge of my daily life and my worries and so on. Was this normal back then?

I guess we live in different times now, and it's lovely to be so close to our children, and to support them through lifes ups and downs, but it is ever so draining!

Snap! My experience was the same - I was at boarding school and they lived abroad so they really did not live the blow-by-blow experience of my life. I do think about this sometimes and the need to push my children to be a bit less needy of me, but as another poster identified, it may happen naturally in time. I hope so!

Same . I think times have changed .