Will This Ever Get Easier?

[CervantDad]

I've got two daughters, one is almost 4, one has just turned 2. I find life almost unbearably hard, marriage has suffered, fitness kaput, struggling at work.

I obviously love them both, but feel my quality of life has been totally obliterated.

Do things get easier? If so, when?

I find the constant care soul-destroying, miss having cultural pursuits, late nights, the ability to go to the gym, cinema etc.

I have become obsessed with the idea of leaving my marriage simply to halve the childcare that I have to do. That would obviously be unconscionably selfish, but I feel I'm collapsing into depression and despondence.

Please don't give up and if you are feeling depressed seek help.

It gets a lot easier once the children are older and more independent. My children are two years apart too and I felt like the first two years of having a second were complete hell. Now they are 11 and 9 and life is so much easier in that respect, but then pre adolescence has its own problems too.

But it seems to me that your problems are going deeper than that. If you're not happy in your marriage, don't blame the children. Have an honest conversation about sharing the childcare duties more equally.

My kids are 12, 14 and 16. It absolutely will get easier! Once the youngest is a bit older, I would say within the next year or two - then every year they become more and more independent and are alot more enjoyable. But you will miss each previous stage when a new stage begins! Im now in the depths of teenage hormones and they refuse to go anywhere as a family and I do miss their younger years - but the toddler days were quite dark for me and although I miss some parts I definitely remember how hard and honestly depressing those years were at times x

Right there with you! Looking forward to reading the responses.

Mine are 8 and 6. It does get less intense. When they were really little I struggled with the sensory overload but that element got easier. There are different challenges now but it is less intense.

I only found it got easier when I went back to work. I lasted four and five months on mat leave each time. Primary school onwards it was a breeze in comparison. I wasn’t prepared to struggle on in those early years so outsourced it. 23 years on and never a single regret.

You're saying splitting up would halve the childcare - is their father doing nothing at the moment? Yes 2 and 4 is a very challenging age, but a few hours for yourself should be manageable.

My youngest is 2.5yrs, oldest nearly 4. In the last 2 months I've started going out to the gym one evening, and I would be going rock climbing one evening too, only am not due to a climbing partner not available yet. 2 months ago I also started going to the gym twice before work. And having the ability to actually meal prep to my macros.

Finally almost 4yrs after youngest born, and with youngest 2.5yrs, I can get back to me! I've also finally had a couple of weekends away on my own with friends to rock climb mountains in North Wales.

Still difficult, as youngest is very full on & in tantrum stage. And no local family at all. But in another 6 months with youngest 3, and then another 6 months at 3.5yrs, it will be SO much easier

Oh- it definitely does get easier. The energy needed in those early years is intense.

It sounds like they are stuck to you like limpets 24/7.

Can DH take over a couple evenings a week to let you go to the gym.

Are you working full-time? If not get them both in nursery/playgroup a few mornings and have some me.

It does get better but you need to make more time now and make sure you aren't the default parent with DH being the spare.

And, if you have any Grannies or Aunties that would love to see them, wave them off with enthusiasm.

I found that things got easier when my youngest turned 3yo, and much easier when he turned 5yo. Hang in there OP.

Mine are 4 & 6 and I have noticed in the last 6 months or so that they've been getting much easier.

2 & 4 is so so hard.

Ours are 22m apart and it was def intense for the first 2 years of my youngests life. I noticed a significant difference this summer when they were 3 and 5 compared to last summer when they were 4 and 2. It does help that they are the best of friends and love spending time together though. So I would say in another year I bet you’ll notice a change. I’m due #3 any day now and am intrigued what a 3.5y age gap will be like in comparison!

My daughter is nearly 4 and it has got much easier recently. Tantrums are less common. Communication and understanding is there and it's much easier to get out of the house. She's also a little chatterbox and is becoming a pleasure to be around.

I'm not sure i could say the same when she was 2!

We have a very strict bedtime for this exact reason. I put my 2 DC to bed at 7pm and the nights are for me. I go swimming, a walk, have a nice meal, watch a movie, whatever. I'm a SAHM and neither are in school yet so ALL DAY it's absolutely relentless. So I don't get to do anything for me during the day, I accept that. But evenings are mine/OH x

Tell us more about what aspects you find difficult of the child rearing. Maybe people can help with some suggestions as once you get down it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.
Promise it will get easier.

I am their father :) We do most things together.

Half the child care I have too do.
This sentence stands out to me why are you doing all of it now tell husband to step up and help with this they are not just your kids and your obviously not getting any time to do anything for you. You need to discuss this and find a resolution. It dose get easier they are both still tiny atm

Again, I am the husband, and we do the childcare together.

The word dad is in my profile name...

I suppose a more honest thing to say would have been "halve the time I spend with them"

Apologies for misgendering you but still is childcare split between you equally? Unfortunately parenting is hard time consuming and exhausting and extremely expensive early years are hardest in a sense that they are massively intensive. If the older one has just started school this is a difficult few months of transition for everyone. Is it possible to work together to get each of you some adult time such as one cover swimming lessons whilst the other dose gym or an evening out each or hire a sitter or ask grandparent to babysit and both go to cinema. Communicating that your feeling burnt out with this is a start.