6 months paternity leave??

[Thea45]

Just following on from another thread about an expectant mother whose partner is looking to use his paternity leave to improve his running PB. Why on earth would a couple need them both to be off for 6 months at the same time (twins/disability excepted!!) surely the whole family would benefit much more if he was just funded to e.g drop down to 3-4 days a week for the first 18 months. There wouldn’t be time for gaining PBs but 18 months of mum being able to actually get a shower, attention for the older children and precious bonding time and just help everyone in he family be a bit less stressed including dad. We have a 15 month old, she’s far more work than a 3 month old, I’m back at work and she’s now the age she extra loves time with daddy. Plus DH loves his job and wouldn’t have wanted to give it up completely for 6 months, although does appreciate his days off too and an extra one always a bonus

My dh took the second 6 months of leave after I stopped getting paid my employer's maternity pay and returned to work - financially it worked out better for us as I was the higher earner at the time.

It was great - we also had a school age child so it was like a massive amount of pressure had been lifted off my shoulders. Absolutely no mental load as he took care of all school things and I knew ds2 was being cared for so no worries about not being well enough for nursery or covering school holidays.

I was also working part time for the first couple of months so we had some time together which was really lovely.

A couple of years later, dh was a stay at home dad for a while - honestly, having a SAHP is bliss for the working parent in my experience.

It’s a private benefit funded by the company. Why not? The benefit is that it’s a recruitment tool for the company to edge out the competition for staff in a competitive recruitment market. The same way some companies have a 4 day week or a stocked beer fridge. It also means women can opt to go back to work and dad’s aren’t just left on the equivalent of SMP. It sounds wise as part of an attractive salary package.

I think it sounds fab. Dh didn’t even get a 2 week paternity leave with either of ours. Dc1 he had to take 3 weeks AL because hadn’t been with the company long enough. With dc2, he was self employed so just had to take time off unpaid (not working) as no SPP when you’re self employed. 6 months paid leave sounds great. I might have gone back to work earlier.

I don’t think I would have wanted my dp off for 6 months. I preferred being in mine and my babies routine. But dp also finished work at 2 so home for 2.30 so we had time together and he had time with the baby!

I may have felt different if he was working til 5 and home at 5.30/6 and I’d been on my own with the baby

DH had six months paid paternity leave (paid for by his private company in the UK) and it was fantastic. We'd never spent so much time together in one continuous block before (as pre-dc we'd be working and just spend up to 2 weeks on holiday together) and it was a lovely bonding time. It meant that neither of us were ever really tired as we had each other to help catch up on sleep. With dc1 we spent almost all our time together with dc1 rather than one of us going off and doing hobbies or getting stuff done, it was a cosy family bubble. We saw it as a chance to go out and explore the city with our baby in tow, we took her to visit art exhibitions, spent days in Hyde Park, went to Bring your Baby walks, cinema, concerts and comedy shows. With dc2, dc1 was in nursery so he did all the nursery runs while I cluster-fed, did skin to skin and recovered from my elcs. We did lots of family trips out on dc1's non-nursery days and it was so much nicer than doing it on weekends when everything is much busier. All of that was important to bond as a family and learn to enjoy our relationships with each other.

I'm a sahm and DH works office hours Mon-Fri, and he's always been very hands on and equal with housework when he's home from work. I think he would have been like that whether he'd had a long paternity leave or not - he's just a considerate person in general and just likes to help get things done.

Son gets 18 weeks paternity
Can be taken in three blocks( max) before child's first birthday.

My partner and I split the year 7 months/5 months because it meant we could have the whole year with baby at full pay. My partner's never had any time out of his career and really loved that time with our baby, and they are very well bonded now. In an ideal world, he would have had the first eight weeks off with us, but that wasn't an option.

Weird thing to complain about. Let’s be honest, most employers don’t offer any extras to the dads so the additional time, in whatever form, is great. Plus when you have more than one child, the first months are definitely the hardest and the dad tends to spend a lot of time with the older child so this would be very helpful.

I’m not talking about a a shorter period of flexible working, I’m talking about a longer period e.g 18 months as it will actually be much more effective at fulfilling the purpose of the father having time off. However as long as not expected to fund couples having a 6 month jolly together through taxes in any way then if a company wants to offer that alongside gym membership, a company car etc then fair enough but would totally understand resentment from other employees too. Why shouldn’t they also get a 6 month paid sabbatical? It’s funny in mine and my partners generation, fathers didn’t seem to need months off in order to bond with us or become great fathers

In an ideal world if 6 months’ paid leave is up for grabs I think I’d have liked DH to have 3 months off at the start with me (DC1 was prem and the first 3 months were hellish) and then 3 months sole care after I went back to work.

I think fathers having a reasonably long period of sole care is really really important in avoiding mums becoming the default parent in the future and so they can get back to work without worrying about childcare settling etc.

Spreading the leave out so DH could have 3 day weeks for a while - nice idea but wouldn’t have worked at all for his job, it’s not doable part time, but 3 months off is manageable.

Yes that sounds ideal! When my DH isn’t working away he gets to work flexibly which is great. So if I’ve been up with our 15 month old then he’ll take the children to school so I can stay in bed then go to work or if DD is sick on a day I’m working he’ll just do minimum WFH and be able to make it up another day or even just on a normal day I’m working he’ll do the school runs to save us on childcare and when I’m off we’ll tend to do the school runs together if possible then he’ll go back to work until I need help with dinner and bedtime. Definitely more help needed with a 15 month old than a younger baby who just used to be able to pop on the floor or in chair for 20 mins at a time while quickly cooked dinner, got a shower etc

I agree with whatever works for the family and sounds like you both quite justified in having 3 months off together while baby in NICU. The current option of shared parental leave great too for mothers who are keen to return to work sooner and dads who want to experience doing more of the babycare for a while

I work with a lot of people in Spain, where dads get six months paternity to take in the first year. A lot take it in two sections and as holiday accrued, they sometimes take half days for the period between the leave e.g.3 months off, 3 months half days, three months off.

For the business, it's a pain, but for the employee it's great. But anyway, the same for all men, and no one asks if they are planning babies 🤷

My Spanish male colleagues are soooo much more involved in childcare than the UK guys for all the years after

No reason why they can't ask for that instead.....

I would have loved 6 months helps with my severe pnd, anxiety, OCD, not bonding with baby.....

And that is your experience, others may have a different experience and would love the chance for their DH to be home for 6 months

I’ve never been asked if I’m planning babies in a work context and my father was hugely involved in our childcare despite having no paternity leave. Most British guys are quite involved with the childcare these days? However if a couple genuinely want to split the leave then fine. Current balance in the UK about right except more part time work should be facilitated

My husband had two months off with our first and six months off with our second (taken during my year of leave). He’s an incredibly hands on, wonderful father so it was a huge help both times.

He normally works super long hours in a very stressful job, so we much preferred him having all this time when he didn’t need to think about work at all and could just focus on family. If he only had an extra day or two off a week, he’d never be able to fully disconnect.

My family live abroad so it meant we were able to go spend a month with them so they could meet and get to know the new baby :)

Maybe it isn’t what everyone would want, but it worked well for us!

Paternity leave was not a thing in the 90's when we had our children. DH took a week AL and my Mum also took a week off to help me. After that, I was on my own, not easy after Csections, especially after number 4. DH also worked very long hours and 2 out of 4 weekends. We managed just fine and it meant that I developed a very good routine, very quickly. It would have been nice for him to have a couple more weeks off though.

Yes I can understand exceptions, toddler twins and a new baby, baby with a serious illness/disability etc but totally disagree with both parents being off as a jolly and pretending it’s as important as maternity leave or essential for prevention of PND, bonding, being able to have a fair relationship and all the other freeloading excuses

Yes have always felt sorry for c section mums with older children to care for too, 6 weeks paternity leave should cover most people though, 6 months ridiculous

I don’t understand what your issue is with two parents having a lovely 6 months off together, at no expense whatsoever to you and making no difference whatsoever to your life😂 some of us actually love our partners, love our families and would absolutely love the chance to have 6 months altogether, an opportunity that you really would never get again unless both unemployed

Perhaps carers leave or sick leave for you while he takes shared parental leave? Possibility even you going back to work if you felt better for it? If not sick leave

I don’t understand what your issue is with two parents having a lovely 6 months off together, at no expense whatsoever to you and making no difference whatsoever to your life

I don’t read the OP as saying it’s wrong, more that if employers have the money and the will to cover 6 months’ worth of leave for the father, there are better ways that leave could be used, instead of being off in parallel with the mum.

I do understand why a couple would want 6 months off together (actually we once had almost that when partner left the military - resettlement leave) it was absolutely amazing and we still look back fondly on that time together as a family. In fact we had such a good time we went on to have another baby 🤣
I don’t mind 6 months paternity leave as long as not tax payer funded in any way but let’s just call it what it is, a 6 month jolly, not some amazing new thing that creates super husbands and fathers. I heard a couple of guys in a baby group talking about how they were able to be far better dads than fathers in the past due to all this paternity leave. What insulting rubbish to all the amazing fathers of yesteryear who didn’t need the incentive of loads of time off alongside another person doing most of the legwork. Imagine if I told my older colleagues who were mothers that I thought I was a much better mother and more bonded than they could have been with their mere 18 weeks maternity leave. They would rightly be insulted and tell me I’m talking utter rubbish.

But that’s entirely up to the employer, and the family set up involved, there is no one “best for everyone”.

Some families like OP would prefer to have 1 day off for 18 months and that would work better for them.

For me personally & our family 6 months off altogether would have been lovely and really a once in a lifetime opportunity.

There isn’t a one size fits all answer.

My neighbour had 6 months off, he did a lot of cycling! I think getting more than 48 hours is great, my exh was back at work on the Friday with me having had dd2 on Tuesday, dd1 was not in nursery either!