Am I being unreasonable for not letting my 11-year-old have the new phone they want?

[ManoharDash]

I’m really stuck and would love some honest opinions. My daughter is 11 and she’s been asking for a smartphone (not just a basic one) for a while now. Her friends all seem to have them and she says it’s unfair that she’s left out. I’ve told her I’ll wait until she shows more responsibility (keeping her room tidy, doing homework without being begged, staying off screens later in the evening) before we get one, but she’s getting more upset, moody, saying I don’t trust her and that she’ll just buy one herself.
In my head I’m thinking yes, maybe she does need the social connection phone gives, but I’m worried about screen time, social media pressures, the cost, how easily a phone can be abused or lost. I also feel like once you give it, you can’t easily take it back and the expectations then escalate.
So: AIBU for saying no for now and holding off until we see more signs of responsibility? Or am I just being old fashioned and denying her a normal teenage experience? Would love thoughts especially from those whose teens have phones and how you managed boundaries or how it’s working (or not).

It's ultimately up to you as her parent, to decide what you think is best.

A few options are:
Buy a brick phone allowing her to text her friends.
Buy a smartphone and put limits on internet access, social media apps, app purchases downloads etc time limits, agreed in advance.
Buy a smartphone and have no restrictions at all.

Have you heard of Jonathan Haidt? He's written a book (probably summarised well online or in interviews he's done) about the damage unfettered screen time and social media does to young teens.

My soon to be 11yo won't be getting a smart phone for as long as possible, luckily her few best friends aren't allowed one either so she's not feeling left out yet. y7 will be interesting...

https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/

The older they get the increasingly difficult it becomes to put it off. It does seem most kids go to second school with a smart phone but you’re within your right to hold off.

One of my DC friends is in 6th form as is still not allowed an iPhone, which I think is utterly ridiculous as they’ll be 17 soon but 11 is a different kettle of fish

It’s great in theory, but in practice is neon impossible because 99% of kids have them, so then they become alienated by default - which is equally not great. It’s a hard one

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Eleven is still quite young, and it makes sense to want her to show a bit more responsibility first. Once they have a phone, it’s hard to step back from that freedom, and the social media side can be a lot to handle at that age.
Maybe let her know it’s not a “no,” just a “not yet,” and that you’re open to it once she proves she can manage certain responsibilities. That way she sees it as something she can work toward, not a punishment.

If you do get a smartphone, you can still keep it tightly locked down. No social media and bedtime limits etc.

A nephew that age has a parent’s old smartphone. It has restricted internet and is handed in in the evening (part of the condition for having it). Any protest about handing in, it is confiscated. He plays games, watches YouTube rubbish and messages his friends. Personally I think it’s still too young, but she can’t be the only one left out either.

Gave them a brick phone, I love mine and supplemented that with a house smart phone that we all use. She takes it over but can't take it out, as it's the house phone 😋

My teenager and plenty of his friends have brick phones or strict limits. They must use their devices downstairs and they are charged in my bedroom overnight. None of them are in any way socially isolated. They also go to schools where phones are physically taken away at the start of the day and returned as they leave so between 8-4 they are phone less.

We are currently on holiday and DS has had (of his own accord) some phone less days (in fact he let it run out of charge when I needed him to have it ready).
You are the parent and you get to set these limits…!

Year 7? Yeah I’d say it’s part of life now. I’m not sure she can link being more responsible around the house with having a phone so she doesn’t feel left out at school? You can make the parental controls rock solid and any meeting about giving it to you to charge over night and she loses it immediately for a day or whatever. You need to have open access to the phone and any apps she puts a password on etc you need to have the password for and if she changes that then she loses access to the phone. I would give her your old phone and start off trusting her with ground rules that are hard lines, any breaking of the hard lines and she loses the phone access

Surely that is a good place to start? If she proves to you she isn’t ready then she isn’t ready but if you never give her the chance to prove that she can be responsible and she can do what it is you ask how can she ever prove she can be respectful of your boundaries?

Give your child a phone when you're happy for their childhood to end OP...

My 11 year old doesn’t have one and neither does their immediate circle of friends. One has a brick to call his mum when he’s leaving football training etc. I think times are changing and some parents are choosing to delay. In contrast three years ago my niece got a phone for her 10th birthday.

I'm a former ed psych. I honestly think 11 is too young and if she hasn't had a phone before, starting her off with a brick is the better way to go. Delay as long as you can, and agree with the needing to demonstrate responsible behaviour first. It's hard to roll it back once they have one.

Alternatively, you could try something like the Balance Phone or HMD Fusion which are designed for teens, social media is blocked by default and they have easy parental controls to block inappropriate content, prevent purchases etc.

My daughter got a smart phone at that age but with conditions. It also wasn’t new, and was a refurb. She’s actually done better at looking after it than I have done looking after mine 🙈

Rules are

I always have access - my fingerprint / face can open it. I can spot check any time. Same with access to any WiFi connected device.

There are parent applied time limits and age restrictions for apps and access.

Homework slacking would be a reason for harsher rules or removal.

Violent or aggressive behaviour the same as above. Although not been an issue for us.

No phones at family time / meals etc (house rule. Applies to anyone at our table)

If we ask for a device to be put away for a reason, eg so we can do something, we expect that to happen promptly and without complaint.

To be fair she’s respected the restrictions and negotiated for changes and increases in access as she’s grown. We’ve kept to the rules consistently and she respects them. She’s not overly interested in social media other than her WhatsApp group with her friends.

It’s obviously up to you what you do but it’s not all or nothing. We live really rurally so she can’t just call on her friends and we don’t have a landline. Both reasons to let her have a phone so she’s not socially isolated. Your frame of reference could be different, but this was a big thing for us.

I think the key to smart phones, Xbox etc is to use them as a bargaining tool and to your advantage. My DC both had them in Year 6 ready for secondary school, we all have iPhones and can control their screen times and App
usage, which we still to do with DD who is in 6th form. But the DC should earn their privileges, we also introduced chores and if the chores aren’t done, they can’t have access to the phone or Xbox. Be firm, stick to your rules and absolutely no phones in the bedroom at night time.

My DD has a cheap smart phone with no social media. She moaned at first but now is ok with just using text and phone calls. She has a couple of non-contact games (no in game chat) and we control the time on those.
Edit: she's 11 and has just started Y7.

That actually sounds quite reasonable. Maybe giving her an old phone with limits could be a good middle ground. I’ll think about trying something like that.

I mean screen time is down to you making rules and sticking to them regardless of a phone. Since it's already a problem then you aren't enforcing it anyway as the parent..however our older kids 11-13 do have smart phones but not brand new because there's no way I'm replacing a brand new if it got broken...also every evening from 7pm all phones are put in a basket to be charged and ready for the next day so screen time is reduced, there are also restrictions on all phones regarding internet and sites, age ratings etc, and they also know that either parent can ask to check phones whenever they feel like it..All of this was talked about over and over until they got there first smart phone and we've not had any problems in 3 years..The kids know the expectations, boundaries etc

Second hand smartphone.
Locked down.
Clear rules in place as a condition for having phone.

CEX.

You're not being unreasonable to say no to a phone but I think the reasons you gave her (tidying her room etc) are more likely to make her frustrated. I would be more inclined to give her a more specific timeline (Y8 for example). Otherwise it sounds like you are making excuses not to give her a phone. Which is fine if you don't want her to have a phone for X amount of time but I hink you need to tell her, she might have a messy room and need nagging to do her homework for another month or 3 years and to her it will feel impossible.

Mine do have phones but they have a lot of restrictions which works for us. They got them just before high school so they wouldn't feel left behind, they still moan as they aren't allowed snap chat and the phone shuts down after a certain time but they feel better than if they didn't have a phone full stop

Ultimately, she’s probably not going to keep her room tidy or do homework independently or stay off screens unless you enforce limits. She’s 11. Many adults struggle with these things. You will need to tell her what to do and put expectations and limits in place.

If she is Y6, I’d say she doesn’t need a phone yet, but it’s something to work towards in the spring/summer. If she is Y7, yes, most of them will have a phone and I’d introduce it with very strict parental controls and monitoring. As in you control how long she’s on it (not much), what she can download (you have to approve all apps), no social media, and you monitor it daily including reading all messages.

And she gets an old phone you find in a drawer somewhere. My dd (she’s in Y8) has an old phone of dh’s, when that breaks she’ll get my old phone. A monthly plan is expensive enough at 11, no one needs an £800 iPhone. My dd threatens that when she starts working next year she’s going to buy herself a pony, but that’s no more likely that her buying a brand new phone. 😂

Yes, a mobile is important and she should have one. My daughter's was £150 from John Lewis the other week. The cheapest they had. It's fine.

No, she does not need the newest and best model.

If she said she's gonna buy that herself deal with that immediately. If she has a grand lying around aged 11 she's probably being groomed or something. This is your real issue.