Difficult mornings (life) with DH and 3yo

[Lactosan83]

We had an escalation this morning again, but it's really a much deeper, reoccurring topic and I have lost my understanding of who is in the wrong here, or more importantly, what to do to resolve this issue.

We have a 3yo boy. A gentle little soul, really.

Both me and DH work full time, he goes to nursery. I pick up more work around DS while DH does more housework on balance, but DH is a very present father - I travel for work for a few days each three weeks, DH handles DS independently every time and things work perfectly. DH takes DS for days out, for certain activities etc. A very present father.

However, as soon as both me and DH are together with our DS, DS insists I am the main caretaker, main playmate, main everything. If all three of us are together, for instance, DS will make a drama if he needs help with bathroom and DH goes to help him instead of me. If DS and DH are alone, no drama. If me and DS are alone, no drama. But DH and me - drama if I don't do everything with DS / around DS.

DH YEARNS to be more involved when we're together, and I push for that as well, I think DS's preferences should not govern our family dynamics.

BUT.

There is always a but....

I am very gentle towards our son. DH has a bit more "fun dad" approach. DH is not aggressive, not at all, he does not have an aggressive bone in his body, I get angry more often and am louder. But DH does things I would not do to our son - wakes him up by tickling him, makes jokes (including) about DS, pulls him in a hug at a moment when DS does not prefer to be hugged and things like that. If DS was a different child, he might absolutely love it, these are all fun and ok things to do, but DH sometimes really does "misjudge his audience", so to say. I tried speaking with DH about his approach, and he refuses to be told he is in the wrong and refuses to change.

So, onto this morning.

I have a morning routine with our son where I make us both breakfast and then we watch one cartoon while we eat. It's not ideal to have TV time with breakfast but I am often alone with him in the morning (DH wakes up later) and it works for us. It's 20mins of TV, and the only 20mins that he gets in the day. Usually we talk through the show and breakfast so he is not glued to the screen, we comment on what is going on in the cartoon etc. He knows he gets one cartoon and after that we get ready for the day, usually with no drama.

When DH has breakfast with our son, no TV is a rule. Also fine by me.

This morning, I really needed to wash my hair (different topic, let's just accept I had to). DS and I got up, I set up the cartoon and breakfast for DS, and woke up DH asking him to please sit with DS while DS eats breakfast with his cartoon so that I can wash my hair. He did, all is well.

THEN THE DRAMA ENSUES.

As soon as I enter the bathroom, DS is crying (and mind you, he cries real tears, not the squeeky manipulative crying my older kids had at his age, DS gets really emotionally upset), because DH stopped the cartoon. I ask DH to let DS watch. As soon as I start the water, crying again. DH has stopped the cartoon again because "DS stopped eating". WTF. I calm them down. Middle of hair washing, cries again because DS wanted a cup of water and DH again stopped the cartoon to bring him water... I mean really? I just asked him to sit there so I can get 15mins, just to sit, really, and not to try to overrule the system we have.

After breakfast DS is upset and getting ready now takes ages, I am angry at DH because I just needed him to sit there and he made everything escalate, DH is upset because "he gave his time and now everyone is mad at him he should have just gotten ready and leave us to it".

Who is in the wrong? What do I do from now on?

Am I too afraid of my child crying? Is my DH trying too much to be a power bottom? Is my son spoilt? All of the above?

WHAT DO I DO.

Thanks!

I would have continued to wash my hair.

I think your DH is an idiot for turning off the cartoons and being so unable to read his own child but let him deal with the consequences of his own making.

This sounds very similar to some mornings when our DD was 3. Now she is 5 mornings are great fun with the 3 of us. We did a lot of solo parenting when dd was 3, just because it was easier. For some reason she behaved so much better with 1 parent in the room! Weird.

No advice sorry…time fixed it for us…stay strong!

DH is easily capable of looking after DS so I think you should have just stayed in the bathroom while DH handled any chaos downstairs.

I think, ideally, you wouldn’t have set up TV for DS and then asked DH to watch him, as you know that DH has in place a ‘no TV during breakfast’ rule so you have sort you undermined his efforts there.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable or in the wrong necessarily. I think you maybe just need to de-escalate this, together with your DH. Talk and agree to draw a line under this (and the resentment that causes you to feel strongly about it). Just see the positives you’ve mentioned here - a good dad, happy to take DS out and give you time to yourself, etc etc

My answer, which a lot of people won’t like, would be to go part-time. Not necessarily you, but you or your DH.

For me, whoever earns more stays FT, the other one goes part time until 3 year old is in school. Try and minimise the number of mornings like this morning where all three of you need to be somewhere for 9am. Even if it’s just one day at work that you or DH drop.

I don't think this is a clear-cut one tbh. Ideally you and DH would have the same "system" re the TV at breakfast as kids tend to do better with consistency. Mind you, if my DH is looking after our DD whilst I am doing something elsewhere (e.g. washing hair) I would expect him to manage the situation and not for me to get roped in unnecessarily. I know it's hard, but I would also try and avoid going back and forth in front of our DS discussing boundaries etc as that is confusing and kind of undermines each other's efforts!

I think you should have let your DP get on with it too. He is perfectly capable of parenting from what you tell us.
I do agree with the pp who said you had set your DH up to fail by starting the cartoon when you knew you were handing over to DH. Maybe this is the root of the issue in this incident? Ultimately DH is doing breakfast so it should be his rules?

Thanks all.

I don't think going part time would help us at all, we would still have the same problem as I don't think they're caused by kid going to nursery or us going to work, but the rest of the time we're together 😁

I appreciate the posters saying I should not have put on the cartoon / should have left DH handle the consequences of his actions. It's useful to hear that.
It was not a conscious decision, but now that I analyze it, I believe I have ended up reacting this way cause I feel that DS should not bear the grunt of DH's approach, it seems unfair to me. To explain: I did not come out of the bathroom to help DH deal with DS, I came out to comfort my DS who was upset... if it makes sense...

It's confusing for your son if you do different things
Personally no tv at mealtimes
You are both setting your son up here
Of course he's going to cry if the TV is turned off.

But coming out to comfort your DS is undermining your DH. Your telling ds that your DH is wrong in what he is doing and not to trust him and that you will always takes ds's side.
The reality needs to be two parents in agreement and in control even with different ways of doing things.

After some further thought, I fully agree and take onboard that I should have set this up as DH's morning, i.e. I should not have asked him to jump in for 15mins but to do it fully DH's way. Noted.

But we still have a deeper issue here.

E.g.:

"The reality needs to be two parents in agreement and in control even with different ways of doing things."

But doesn't that mean letting my son down when I see DH doing something that obviously does not fit DS?
How do we deal with time together then?

If your DS is happy not watching a cartoon when DH does breakfast, could you also try not watching TV when you're doing breakfast? Not that I've got anything against screen time (my kids aged 5 and 3 have plenty...) but it just sounds like your DS is only upset when it's turned off but perhaps not bothered if it's not turned on in the first place? What happens when you have breakfast all together?

Regarding the 'fun dad' approach, does your DH stop if your son says no or gets upset? My husband is very rough&tumble which our kids mostly love, but he'll always stop if it's too much. Is this what you mean when you said you your DH does things that don't fit your DS or are there other things too?