DD3 doesn’t want to go to pre-school

[Unicorse21]

I get it, she’s my second… my DS never wanted to go either. There were tears, there was quiet protests. My daughter only goes Tuesday & Wednesday. She starts saying she doesn’t want to go to pre school on Sunday. All day Sunday, all day Monday - tears and “please don’t take me there”. I technically don’t have to, I enrolled her because she needs to start getting used to the routine and being away from me (I’m a SAHM). When it’s dDay, she would scream and run away as she doesn’t want to get in the car, she runs away in as soon as I unbuckle her in the car ( I can’t even catch her, I go the front- she runs to the back etc). This usually takes around 45 minutes with crazy hysterical screams. At pre school she settles in about 5 minutes, then has a few tears here and there. She wouldn’t eat anything or drink there at all. Won’t use bathroom etc. She does play and participate in their activities. I’m exhausted now, I know she is just as tired thinking about it all too! She’s normally very confident and outgoing girl. She is easily trying new things and always at the front of the class (doesn’t even mind me) at gymnastics & phonics.
Please tell me it’s going to get better ❤️‍🩹 I’m really wondering if I should just drop it and see how she gets on at school.

I tried drawing hearts, giving her extra special cuddles, playing it all out with toys, giving her special something to keep whilst she’s there, even promising to buy a toy. She won’t have it. Tomorrow I will have to drag her in when she’s hysterically kicking and screaming…

Can she verbalise why??

@Smartiepants79 all she says is that she wishes I was there too.

I would just drop it. She’s starting to be distressed on Sunday when she’s not there until Tuesday and Wednesday - that’s more than half the week under stress. Not worth it!
Can she try something else - a childminder instead of nursery? (Smaller group)

@NameChangeForThisQuestionOnly
there are no childminders around here sadly but plenty more nurseries to try! I think the problem is that they have these set times for activities and I thought it would be great as it’s like having an entertainer for a few hours. My understanding is that she cries there for exactly for this reason, she wants to play inside and it’s time for everyone to go outside, everyone needs to go outside- she’s ready to play on the play frame. They also ask to hold hands and give cuddles (why though?!) and she’s not very good at letting people in her personal space.

I'd drop it, I'm old so mine were a long time ago but my middle one didn't like going to play group so I stopped it and waited til he was due at the school, he was fine by then, didn't particularly want to go but your able to reason with them more when a bit older. He is a more sensitive/anxious personality than my other two and was glued to my side. He always wanted me to put him to bed too (which I didn't mind as he actually slept 7-7 whilst the other two didn't sleep through the night for years🤦).

Have a look if there’s a nursery in your area which uses Planning in the Moment, an approach by Anna Ephgrave. The whole ethos is to avoid these planned activities with set times as you describe. Maybe it’ll work better for your little one

Why does she need to go?!!

She’s telling you with every fibre of her being that she hates it. That she misses you. You’ve been so brainwashed by th r ideology that kids need to fit the machine that you’re unable to hear these incredibly clear signals.

I don’t want to make you feel awful for no reason but if you would step outside your cultural bubble/moment you might well describe this as abuse.

your child is one of the few lucky ones whose parents don’t need* to send her home industrialised childcare - and yet you’re forcing her to go anyway?

50 years ago the majority of children didn’t go to nursery - by the second year of primary they had all caught up.

children don’t need to be socialised as toddlers and very young children - or at least, no more than can be done through play opportunities with parents present. It’s a myth which is promulgated in order to make parents feel ok with sending babies away - and they have to be ok with that because both parents need to work if the machine of capitalism is to be enabled to continuously expand.

Ah good to hear that your son was ok going to school! It’s my worry, you see - going from 0 to 5 days a week is tough if all you knew was home comforts.

@openthewindoweveryday thanks so much for the recommendation! I’ll have a look!

@thestudio i know that some children take time to settle into their new routine. It’s really not that bad having 4-5hours twice a week when you’re invited to try new activities, forest school, yoga etc. However I am also aware that it’s not ok for a small child to worry about having to go to preschool two days before.
industrialised or not, she will have to go to school next year. I thought this could be an introduction into that plus getting to know a few kids who will also be in her class later.

There's absolutely no need for her to go.

You're a sahm. She is 3.

She will benefit far more from being home with you as long as your home isn't a chaotic tip.

In order to prepare her for the expectations of the school setting next year, ncourage her to help tidy up her toys, to sit in her seat while eating, for the duration of the meal, to say please and thank you, to sit and listen to a story you read to her, to wait until you're ready to help her or give her attention, to put on her own jacket, socks, shoes, hat, scarf, to hang her jacket up when she takes it off, to leave her shoes in the shoe spot, to hold crayons, pencils, etc and make marks on paper and not on the table or the walls, to use an indoor voice indoors, to come when called, to use the loo completely independently, to wash her hands properly and dry them.

It won't matter at all if she doesn't meet kids who will be in her class next year. Children of 3 still don't completely understand that the universe doesn't revolve around them, or that other people have their own reality - friendships at that age are nice but not necessary, and hardly ever meaningful. When it comes to classmates, it's often the case that out of sight is completely out of mind.

I was going to say exactly this. I don’t understand why stay at home parents would want to send their children to pre school when they can be so much happier being at home and can learn much more. I sent my daughter to nursery for two afternoons a week for a couple of months before she started Reception to get her used to being away from me. She had always understood that she had to go to school just before she was five, and she was absolutely fine. She went into school happily on her first day, and never had a problem settling in. We often had little school sessions in the afternoon because my daughter really wanted to learn and because we’d been able to spend so much time together, she was reading fluently when she started school, knew the easier times tables, and could do basic maths. It’s such a magical time in your child’s life and if you’re a SAHM, it seems such a shame to miss a big chunk of it.

So she goes for two full days, and the days happen to be next to each other? Would it be possible to change her hours? I think it would be better to do mornings only (if that's an option) and spread more evenly throughout the week, eg Mon, Wed, Fri but for only 3 hours each day. The big block of time all in one chunk seems much more daunting and I wonder if that's why she dreads it.

@ButtonMushrooms she is supposed to be doing 9-1 but I’ve been picking her up at 12.20 because she won’t eat or drink in there. So technically it’s only around 3h each day by the time she eventually goes in.

I wouldn’t be taking her if she was that distressed. None of my children went to pre school and they are all well adjusted and sociable children. They are only little for a small time.

Take a break and try again in a few months?

kids change a lot at this age

It doesn't sound the right setting for her. Her reaction is extreme.

Preschool is great... if they enjoy it.

All behaviour is communication please take her out if she’s that distressed. We removed our child from nursery after four weeks (our eldest spent 4yrs there), found a childminder instead who she loved. Give her a break then try another place or groups instead.

Also.. the hugging sounds wierd. Holding hands if they ate keeping them together to walk somewhere is one thing. But otherwise shouldn't they be teaching them healthy boundaries?

I have always worked so my kids have gone to nursery younger and for longer days so this isn't about judgement - but I don't really see the point of this if you're a SAHM?

I think school will be different - for a few reasons:

One is that it's mandatory (unless you want to home ed) and so your attitude to it will be different and your child will pick up on that - you won't feel guilty or debate it, you'll naturally be much more matter of fact about it

Another is that it's five days a week, kids love a routine in my experience, I think two mornings a week is a sort of occasional thing for her and comes a shock and something she dreads, school will just be a thing every weekday

And finally she will be older and more articulate and able to understand

Look at the school readiness information, you don’t need to send them to preschool, just prepare her at home. If you can find a more casual drop in crèche first an hour or two that would help with learning to leave you

Honestly OP - 4-5 hours feels like a lifetime to her. Toddlers are simply not able to understand time in that way, they won't till they are around 7.

And 'invited' - that's really disingenuous. She might be 'invited' to play once she's there, but what's going on overall from her perspective (and mine) is that you are banishing her.

She won't understand why, however much you repeat it and however much she'll pretend to understand, to make you pleased with her. What she'll actually feel is completely abandoned.

She'll accept it eventually because she's being primed to be a good girl and fit in - or (more likely) she'll realise that no-one's listening to her, and she will have to give up hope.

I'm afraid this is true for all young children who are removed from the safety and security of their parents before about three, though this economic system works very hard to get parents to ignore their raging instincts and believe that A. it's good for babies and toddlers to be 'socialised' or B. it's financially impossible to avoid.

A is never the case except in instances of abuse or neglect. As for B - many of us could avoid it for a few years if we stepped off the wheel of consumption that our economic system needs us to be on in order to keep itself alive.

I think I’d just drop it if she is this distressed, there’s plenty of time before she needs to start school.
You could look for a smaller playgroup or private nursery for after Christmas maybe, she might just need a different setting

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone! Since it’s been so unanimous, it’s actually really helpful. I feel like my judgement had been clouded over by my mother’s opinion who constantly tells me I coddle my children and the bond we have is unhealthy as they don’t like being away from me. Everyone says their kids are upset. Preschool staff told me I spend too much time saying good byes to her and she is fine when she’s there so I just need to be persistent. Anyway, I will pull her out for a couple of months and then find something else for her.

Honestly I would just keep her at home. I think she is less likely to engage with school if she’s had the best part of two years hating nursery. She may have got in a pattern of behaviour that she can’t change but you can change the setting.
Give her time with you and I agree with @mathanxiety advice.