How would you feel about this?

[WonderingAndOverthinking]

We are friends with a couple who have a DS the age as ours (9years old). We spend quite a lot of time together and it’s becoming more and more obvious that they have a slight obsession with food and what they allow their son to eat. He has always shown issues around food - wanting the same as what our DS has if we are out for a meal, getting frustrated if our son has a snack/icecream and he is not allowed to have one, gorging himself at other people’s houses, etc…. but it feels like this is really ramping up at the moment.

We do try as much as possible to have a healthy balanced diet at home, so will allow our DS to have something less healthy if we are out for a meal.
Our friends will choose what their DC can have and always comment about how big the portions are or what else he has eaten that day.

A couple of weeks ago, we were out for a meal and afterwards, our DS mentioned that his friend had commented that he couldn’t believe that our DS “had had X amount of calories” for his lunch.
We do talk about having a balanced diet, that some foods are healthy for your body and some foods are healthy for your heart/head (as in for enjoyment) but never label foods as good/bad.

I’m unsure on how to feel about this. I don’t think children should be looking at menus and clocking the calorie value of meals, and I don’t want my DS having this planted in his mind.

How would you feel about this?

It would make me uncomfortable too.

9 year olds shouldn't even know about calories let alone be obsessing about them.

Difficult to know what your next step is though. Easy enough to avoid going out for meals with them but it sounds as if the child has all this at the forefront of his mind at other times, and would be likely to comment on anything people around him eat at other times, even when his parents aren't there.

I get the impression that these are your friends though, and you both happen to have dc the same age, rather than him being a friend ds has chosen and you later became friends with the friend's parents? In which case, you and your dh need to decide whether to talk to the other couple about it.
You might lose them as friends - how sad would that make you ?

Or you could just see them as a couple now and then and stop socialising as families.... make some vague noises about how difficult it is to get the boys together now they are older as 'naturally they have developed thir own friendships now' and 'busy with activities' etc.

Thanks for your reply.

Yes we were friends pre-children.

it’s so tricky as the mom obviously has issues around food herself, but doesn’t seem to realise that the more she controls him, the more it is becoming an problem.

It’s so awkward as it’s not our place to criticise ther parenting, but I really don’t want my DS having exposure to this at such a young age 😞

Bumping for any other opinions on this 🙏

Trouble is, most menus now have calorie content on them as I think by law they have to show it. Personally I wish they wouldn't & let the customer request this info if they want it

Can you go out with them at non-food times?? I agree that it’s not good at all.

Keep teaching your son healthy habits and he will do fine.

I would suggest you stop eating with them as the behaviour is unhealthy and rude. As a minimum if any comments are made you should ask her to stop.

You don't need to criticise her parenting, you need to establish healthy boundaries for your family.

Unfortunately we tend to see them for days out and it also happens with packed lunches, snacks, etc…. so not exclusive to meals out ☹️

Unfortunately it would be difficult to avoid meal times as we go out for days out.
I can’t really police what she says to her DS which makes it a tricky situation.

All you can do is either meet up without going for meals or make your son more resilient about his healthy relationship with food.

He was absolutely fine and just said it in a matter of fact “X said this to me”, he wasn’t bothered in the slightest but it just felt a bit off to me. I just feel sorry for their DS as it seems like food restrictions are at the forefront of his mind 24/7 😔

I’d feel uncomfortable and a bit concerned. It sounds like their food rules are affecting their son and starting to influence yours. I’d stay kind but set boundaries—maybe limit food-focused outings and gently steer conversations away from calories around the kids.

You don't need to police anything. Just express your own views.

If she makes a comment about food and diet, you can say something contradictory in reply. Or you can say to her that you'd be grateful to talk less about food in general.

The other thing you can do is tell your child that it is unhealthy to worry too much about food and explain clearly your own views.