How do you bring yourself to have a second?

[SnottyBaby456]

If your first was a terrible sleeper? I have a 14 month old who I have had to hold upright all night as he has a chesty horrible cough. I got maybe one hour of sleep. But this comes off the back of 23 months of no sleep (pregnancy was hell too). He does actually sleep through the night now, started around 11 months, IF he is well but 90% of the time he is teething or sick. He's had 2 molars, hand foot and mouth, some viral rash with a fever, and 2 colds in the last 3 months. So he has slept maybe 10 nights here and there through the night in total.

I really want a second but physically I'm not capable I don't think.

Hi OP,

This is me too, my DD is 3 and has slept through the night on about 3 occasions in her life so far. Most nights she is up at least once, usually twice...last night was about 4 times. And this is when she's well 🙃

I am now pregnant with number 2 and sleep is my biggest worry, especially as we're all in the same bedroom so I have visions of them constantly waking each other up through the night. I was so tired with my DD but I used to get some naps in the day where I could, no chance of that this time as DD no longer naps.

However, at least your little one sleeps well when he's well 🙂 and he's still so little, hopefully it'll improve as he grows and his immune system gets stronger, plus he'll have all his teeth so teething will end.

It goes without saying that you don’t have to have a second. But you’ve said you’d like another, so maybe have a fairly large age gap? There’s five years between my two and it’s been absolutely fine. I hope your little one feels better soon.

We had a 5 year age gap!

For what it's worth, our non sleeping firstborn started to sleep through around 2. Hang in there!

Don't even think about having a second yet! You have enough on your plate. You can revisit it later when he is sleeping better.

You wait until you’re ready. There’s intentionally 5 years between mine. Not so much because of sleep, more because those extra years allowed us to be in a better place financially and in terms of career progression and we wouldn’t be paying for 2 in nursery. But it also meant we got our lives back a bit. Both got to do some travelling, had a weekend away or two, hobbies, just time to be ourselves again before we had our 2nd.

You don’t. It’s not compulsory. You prioritise your own health and well-being and stop at one.

I was desperate for a second even though my first was a terrible sleeper and felt time wasn't on my side.

I persuaded my husband to go it even though he wasn't keen, and got pregnant first try when our first was only a year old.

When we realised DD was coming we had to get quite strict with our first and managed to get him sleeping through by the time he was about 18 months old. Then we had 3 months of relative peace and quiet until DD was born.

DS is now a fantastic sleeper and generally sleeps through from 7:30pm to 7am. DD is still a terrible sleeper and wakes us up nearly every night at 2 and a half.

It's possible that the only way to get her sleeping through would be to have a third baby, which would force us to finally get tough with her!

I decided that if I was awake anyway I might as well get all of the sleepless nights over and done either in the shortest space of time. I had my eye on the long game

Sheer stubbornness on my part. I really wanted 2, roughly 2-3 years apart.

DS1 was terrible pregnancy, then severe reflux, then god knows what but he just didn't sleep. He eventually slept through the night aged 7 (later diagnosed ADHD).

There's 2.7 years between my 2 and I don't regret it despite the years of disturbed nights (DS2 also is a terrible sleeper)

My first was 2.5 when I had my second and had never slept through the night. He was always a terrible sleeper. They are now 2 and 4.5 and both still waking at night.

Somehow we (almost solely, I) have just powered through. I try to get early nights whenever I can but tbh most nights I fall asleep when putting them to sleep, which means I barely spend time with my husband. I live off sugar so that it gives me energy throughout the day, which means I’m the biggest I’ve ever been which makes me miserable. And after years of broken sleep I finally feel truly exhausted. On top of that I have a demanding job.

But tbh all of that is balanced by the knowledge that it’s only temporary and things will get better, and just the general joy of being around the children (when they’re behaving that is - when they’re playing up and I’m feeling tired, I hate parenting!).

Yeah I do think that too, frequently. I told DH that if I start sleeping again and getting some life back, I might not have anything in me to go for a second. Better do it now and get it over with.

But then there are days (nights) where I feel like I will die. I have even googled "can you die from sleep deprivation".

I have friends who never had a second because they couldn't bear to go back and do the baby years again.

Some people are in the "wait until you are ready" camp. I'm more in the "just get on with it" camp.

I love having a small age gap and know that at some point DD will sleep through and we'll all get much more rest.

@PirateDays thanks! Unfortunately we live abroad and I had to go back to work at 6 months, which is when teething started. So I just have never had the opportunity to catch up on sleep in the day and I have to work most evenings after I put him to bed so I can't even go to sleep stupidly early.

And when I think of being pregnant again, plus toddler, plus sleep deprivation, plus birth, plus newborn days, I don't know how I'd do it. I'd have to quit my job which is a big decision in itself.

Hat off to you, you are a superwoman!

@Yellowe wise but extremely sad. I'm an only child and I have no one. Once my parents die, that's it. So I was hoping to creat my own little family but maybe I just have to accept I'm not capable enough.

I thought I had done some difficult things in my life and I have some achievements i am very proud of but this baby has been 100 times harder than anything I have ever experienced.

The shock of sleep deprivation with first is the worst. I found number 2 nowhere near as bad as body was used to poor sleep. Just had number three and bad sleep (because one of them is always up for something) is just normal now. I can't actually sleep when I get the opportunity to. One day..... !

I am abroad too and went back to work when my first was 7 months old. We kept him in crèche when my second was born, which made a huge difference. I was never at home with a toddler and a newborn to juggle.

Yes I agree with this. The shock to the system wasn't nearly as big the second time round.

Yup sorry I could never face it. We literally ‘tried’ for one night, I had flashbacks to the birth of ds and all of it, was incredibly relieved to get my period and we stopped then. But I only ever wanted a second to give ds a sibling, not for their own sake, and I’m afraid it was easy to let go of that when the chips were down. It sounds like you really want a second.

I can empathise as an only child.

First the sleep. DS was a dreadful sleeper, peppered in the early days by chronic asthma after bronchiolitis at 4 months and then repeated ear infections, grommetted at 16 months. It got better when we realised he didn't need much sleep and when we let him stay up until 9.30/10 he slept until about 6/6.30 rather than 8 to 1 and then up until 5.30 - just learning and being raring to go.

He was 3.5 when dd arrived and she needed more sleep and from quite early on I could put her down at .7.30 and she's sleep until 11, then a feed but would then need 2/3 feeds between midnight and 6.30. The one night she slept through aged 11 weeks, I got mastitis!

I don't think I had an unbroken night of sleep until she was settled at school, so for about 7/8 years.

However, the need for another was visceral and like you I was desperate for my DC to have a sibling and had initially wanted three or four children but for us that wasn't to be.

DH is one of three but both his sisters live abroad, one could be on a different planet entirely and there is no common ground whatsoever. Frankly I am glad and if she lived here I cannot imagine my DC wanting to mix with their cousins, cousins I wanted them to have because I don't have any. His other sister, who doesn't have children, is more mainstream. Neither visit the UK very much, the older one doesn't even bother to call her mother.

Ultimately, I have learnt that friends are more important and now dh and I are older, we are effectively both only children and I shall look after my mum and he his. They are both 89 and we haven't had a proper family chirsitmas for three years because neither can be left on their own. 350 miles apart.

All DH got from having sibs to be perfectly honest was less food as everything for 4 was stretched for 5 and arguments over who had more chips and who nicked the Mars Bar from the selection box. His elderly sister told me to think carefully about marrying him because he was a capitalist bastard - it's never in 35 years stopped her from tapping him up.

Our dc are 27 and 30 now. They are closer and always were and in touch a couple of times a week although one has moved abroad for work. DH and I are just back from visiting.

7 year age gap here and DC2 is an amazing sleeper (so far don't want to curse it) with DC 1 I barely remember 2018-2021 as he didn't sleep through the night until he was 3. DC2 wakes for 10 minutes feeds at exactly 1 and 4am and goes back to sleep! But she's not even 4 months yet so this could change!

Haha don't speak too soon, I haven't actually done it yet 🙈

Tbh I think the ideal would be for the second to be born just as the eldest starts school, but unfortunately we didn't really have time on our side (I am 37 and DH is older). I am terrified of the mat leave with both of them at home with me, I will go back to work 3 months before DD starts school so they will both be in nursery for those months (££££), plus it's likely my DH will be in an onsite job 5 days a week, vs only going in twice when DD was born.

I am very worried about it all tbh and how I will cope, but ultimately I know I wanted a second child and after the first year when I am back at work it will be better. But it is scary and I know completely how you feel.

5 year age gap here after a problem sleeper as a baby, he slept through better from 1 year onwards but took a long few years to decide if we wanted to go through that again.

Incidentally DD2 has been a super sleep from newborn (8 months now)