Husband hasn’t wanted sex since we got pregnant with our second child

[MamaNiks]

Hi everyone,

I’m really struggling and need some outside perspective. My husband and I have been together for several years, and things have generally been good between us. But ever since we got pregnant with our second child (about 14 months ago), our sex life has completely stopped.

We haven’t had sex since then (14 months as our baby is 5 months now) , and the last time there was any sexual contact (bj) was about two months ago. He says he’s just not “in the mood” or that he’s tired, but it’s starting to really affect how I feel about myself and our relationship. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but the conversation always ends with him saying he doesn’t know why.

I love him and don’t want to pressure him, but I also miss feeling close and desired. Has anyone else gone through this after pregnancy? How did you handle it?
He says he’s not cheating (maybe I’m naive but choose to trust him) but it doesn’t feel right. Shall I ask him to do some health assessment as it could be something medically wrong?
He also drinks quite allot of beers every single day for the last 7-8 years. I did read this amount of alcohol consumption can kill sex drive.

not sure what to think of all this.

How many is a lot of beers?

Yes I think that’s a problem. Tbh almost any amount of alcohol is a problem if it’s every single day, though it’s not the only kind of drink problem.

What changed 8 years ago?

5 cans every single day.

It sounds like a combination of tiredness and depression. The toddler years are pretty draining and if you have two small children, that's enough to put anyone off their stride. It sounds like your dp is self-medicating on booze.

I'd focus on reducing stress and spending some quality time together each week, even if it is only a quick sandwich out at lunchtime or a shared activity. Can you find someone to watch the dcs for an hour? What did you do together before you had dcs? Try to reconnect.

That amount of booze every single day will do him permanent harm eventually.

The main concern here is the booze. I wouldn’t let someone look after my kids after 5 cans.

No sex has become the norm and it can be incredibly awkward to be intimate again

I’m not sure what to do to be honest. I’ve asked, threatened, listened and offered help. Nothing works. He can’t go on longer than 3 days without drinking and on those days he’s not drinking - he’s very snappy.

I imagine alcohol intake completely killed his sex drive but I’m not 100 percent sure

Right, sorry to say it but he’s an alcoholic. You’re living with an alcoholic.

5 cans (depending on the strength of the beer - assuming it’s normal and not Special Brew) is just under his weekly unit amount. So he is drinking seven times the advised limit, and not coping if he doesn’t.

Im not sure what to do with that information for you. Maybe start by contacting Al-Anon.

Did you post in "Parenting" by accident? It's clearly a relationship issue.

You seem to be more concerned about the lack of sex than the fact that he's an alcoholic?

I second the suggestion of Al-Anon.

I’m worried about everything. Alcohol issue, him not having patience for our children, lack of intimacy.

I feel for you. I just think that with sex in the title of your post, people may well just focus on that issue, but honestly it seems the least of your problems

Are you in paid work or looking after the children full-time? Do you own or rent your home?

You do need to consider your options which include separation (this could be temporary if he turns things around - doesn't sound as if he wants to though, sadly).

The problem is he’s an alcoholic.

Only he can change that, it’s entirely behind your control.

We own a house together.
our children are 4 years old and a little 7 month old.

im currently working part time (3 days a week) and looking after children as well.

everytime I mention therapy - he says he doesn’t have a problem and can stop anytime which is not true.

1 can of beer is on average 2 units of alcohol. He's having 5 a day which is around 10 units and over a week is 70 units. 14 units a week is the recommended maximum for men and women.

If he's been drinking for 7-8 years why on earth did you have children with an alcoholic OP? Sex drive is really the very least of your worries, can't you see that? You really need to get yourself and your kids out of there OP, it's not fair for them to have to grow up around an alcoholic. I'm concerned that you're in denial as much as he is.

I agree with Tanya.

My advice is to start looking into your legal options so can be informed if and when you decide to divorce. The AdviceNow website is a good starting point. And your local citizens advice might be able to tell you about local law clinics and solicitors offering a free or low cost initial consultation.

I can imagine it's the last thing you want when your youngest is so little, but it's the lesser of two evils. They need their home with you to be free of their alcoholic father.

I think you need support before you make any plans. It still seems that you think if you can find the right words, you can make him see that drinking is the source of most/all of his problems. It may take a while to really accept how much power you have over his relationship with alcohol - none.

@MamaNiks sorry you are going through this. The lack of sex seems to be the symptom rather than the cause.

You’ve received really good advice in this thread however you may wish to ask mumsnet admin to the relationship. You may get even more support, advice and personal experiences as there are a lot more people on that board ( mostly supportive women).

Sorry you're in this situation OP. I don't have much advice aside from to go easy on yourself. You're vulnerable as a recently post partum mum, your husband is in trouble with addiction and it's all tangled up in lack of sex and self esteem too.
Speaking as the partner of a person struggling with addiction, it is incredibly hard to overcome even when they are willing and quite determined. And it is their struggle ultimately, not yours even while it affects and worries you all the time. Sending a hug xxx