Just screamed at 5 yo, do I have an anger problem?

[Spookygoose]

5 yo DD was refusing to get into bed. Kept jumping up and getting toys out etc, wasn’t listening. So I was already annoyed and stressed. She finally got into bed but wouldn’t lie down, instead playing with her soft toys on the bed. I lay down with her and tried to encourage her to lie down, I’d been calm but firm up till this point. I lay quietly not responding to her for a while in the hope she’d lie down. She got annoyed at me ignoring her and whacked me across the face with one of her soft toys, which had a hard bit on it that hit me in the eye and was pretty painful. It made me snap and I screamed at her. Nothing terrible, just “you do not hit me in the face” or something. But it was the screaming at the top of my lungs that was so disturbing. I realised I had to get out of the situation and left the room and she shouted “I like daddy better than you cos he doesn’t shout”. That hurt cos we’re separated and he was an abusive arsehole. Before I left the room though I went to close her door behind me and she was chasing after me and put her hand in the door frame and I shut her finger in the door by accident. Obviously she screamed and I picked her up and cuddled her and told her how sorry I was but she just kept on saying “you did it on purpose”. After she’d calmed down I told her how sorry I was for screaming and that I was in the wrong and I just lost my temper and how sorry I was about her finger but that it was an accident and I’d never hurt her on purpose. She seemed to accept that but I’m so scared she still thinks I did it on purpose or will remember it this way. And I feel so awful about screaming at her. I’ve screamed at her like that maybe once before in her life and swore I’d never do it again but being hit like that just triggered something I couldn’t control and it’s scared me. Do I have an anger/temper problem? Will this fuck her up? Will she always remember it? I also don’t understand how her dad can NEVER shout (not scream, just raise his voice) at her ever (she’s said this before about him). How can anyone remain calm at all times with a 5 yo? Or is that normal? And I’m the one with the problem?

It’s OK. You shouted because she hit you in the eye and you were hurt and you were surprised and you were already at the end of your tether.

It’s not ideal, obviously, but nobody is perfect all of the time.

She said those things because she’s a child. She said you did it on purpose because she was distressed. And that’s the sort of things that kids do say!

She probably thinks her dad is the bees knees because she knows that she doesn’t live with him like she does with you and so she needs to be positive about it when she’s with him so he doesn’t disappear more than he already has.

She hurt you and you yelled.

most people respond if hurt.

She was acting horribly, of course you should shout at her to make her stop. If you don't correct bad behaviour you're going to end up with a nightmare child on your hands. Who turns into a nightmare adult. Then it'll be too late. Don't worry as long as you're firm but fair you won't traumatize her. Forget gentle parenting, think firm but fair.

Kids need to be slightly scared of their carer. As in, enough to show respect. Obviously you're not madly screaming at her non stop. Any kind of physical violence towards you needs to be stamped out straight away.

This is what I would do I think.

Tomorrow, tell her you are sorry that you shouted and you are sorry that her finger got hurt. Reassure her that you love her. .

Ask her what she thinks that you and she can do at bedtime to make bedtime nice. Tell her why it’s important that she goes to bed. So that she isn’t sleepy for school or swimming or whatever she likes to do and so that mammy can do some jobs and read her book. Something dull. Make a plan together.

As much as it might hurt, be positive about her her dad. Maybe practice. It might make her feel a bit more secure.
That sounds lovely.
Yes, daddy does make nice pasta.
I wonder what you will do at Dad’s house, I bet you will have fun.
How fantastic that you had such good time.

If anyone whacks you in the face and hurts you, yelling is a completely natural response. The only exception would be with a baby that doesn't know what it's done. At 5 she needs to know that hitting anyone in the face is completely wrong, will make her very unlikeable and get her shouted at - or worse, hurt in retaliation. It's a shame it was followed by the finger in door incident. This has probably made you feel about ten times worse.

I say all this as someone who had a very, VERY shouty parent and am still affected negatively by it in my middle age.

I think you are right to be concerned. Shouting rarely when you’ve been hurt is understandable (although she hurt you on accident too). It’s when you start making shouting your go to method for discipline and start peppering it with hurtful comments towards the child that it becomes verbal and emotional abuse.

I think you need to find ways to defuse your annoyance before you get to being triggered into shouting by a minor accident.

If your DD doesn’t want to go to bed right now, can you say yes to her request? If she is ok in bed but wants it play with soft toys, can you say yes to that? Tell her ok you can play quietly for 15 mins and then I will be back for a good night and to tuck you in,

Instead of bedtime being an express train, start thinking of it as a more relaxed ramble. As children get older, they like to add things to their bedtime routine. Today might be a bit of soft toy play, in a year it might be reading a book or doing a page of colouring.

You sound like a nightmare adult to me. No one should be advocating that it is good or necessary for a child to fear their parent (carer).

Stop lying in bed with her

I've realised if I'm hungry or thirsty, I'm much more likely to lose my temper - so make sure you're looking after yourself! I put my 4 year old to bed and she has some teddies etc in her bed and as long as she stays in bed, she doesn't need to go to sleep. Usually she goes to sleep straight away, but sometimes she potters around with them for half an hour or so. (2 hours is the record I think) Waiting for her to go to sleep would drive me crazy. We do same bedtime routine every night and then I tuck her in and say goodnight and if she's procrastinating as I'm trying to leave the room, I'll eventually remind her I'm hungry and need my dinner too and to have my evening so I can have some rest to look after her tomorrow. I've found explaining things to her very helpful. I used to get so impatient and cross when I was brushing her teeth and she was wiggling about and talking, so I explained to her I found brushing her teeth really difficult and I really needed her to stand completely still and not talk to me until we were done, and THEN we could do a silly toothbrush dance (or whatever). Tooth brushing is a breeze now! Have a think about the things that are making you lose your temper and what you can do to change them? But as for the yelling tonight, cuddle her and apologise again tomorrow and move on. It is a natural instinct to yell when someone hurts you as people have said.

Exactly this.

Try not to beat yourself up about it, we’ve all been there.

Definitely don’t worry about it. She should not have hit you in the face. Children need to realise that people will react to something like that. If you allow your child to hit you and you stay calm and do/say nothing, that’s very unrealistic for if they do that to a friend/another adult/teacher, etc. You haven’t done anything wrong, and the fact you are worried confirms that- you care so much!

Instead of bedtime being an express train, start thinking of it as a more relaxed ramble. As children get older, they like to add things to their bedtime routine. Today might be a bit of soft toy play, in a year it might be reading a book or doing a page of colouring

excellent advice.

I get it, I’m a lone parent with 5-year old twins, and work a full time very stressful, all encompassing role.

If they’re acting up at bedtime, I’ve started warning them, saying “I’m at the end of my tether”. They seem to realise that means no more messing around, if they want me to read a story, etc.
With 5-year olds, we need endless patience, which is not always possible.

I swore (badly) at my 7yo for throwing a hard ball at me (she didn’t realise how hard it was) and it hit me square on the wrist bone and was incredibly painful. There was a bit of a meltdown etc thereafter but ended with a cuddle and an apology from both of us (we are very close). Point is, we are human, and as long as you’ve apologised that sets a good example, we can’t feasibly parent gently the whole time. And hearing how much it’s impacted you clearly shows you’ve learnt from it and are a great mum.

Tomorrow is another day OP.

Thank you so much for all the helpful replies. I feel much less of a monster now! One of the main things that’s got to me is how her dad never raises his voice to her (which obviously I’m glad about!) but it also means that she sees him as a better parent. It makes me feel inferior and like he’s a better parent than me too. Which is a really conflicted feeling, I’m very happy he never raises his voice to her but at the same time feel inferior 🤨 because I do shout at her (not screaming like last night, just raising my voice) occasionally if she’s being naughty

This is really helpful and makes a lot of sense thank you! Yes, preparing them for an extreme reaction if they hit someone in the face is a much better idea!

It’s ok. You reacted but you’re also reflecting and wanting to act differently going forward. You’re human and tired and it’s hard. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Hurting her finger in the midst of anger isn’t great but you know that. Don’t compare yourself to her dad, it’ll get you nowhere, just concentrate on yourself as a parent.

She's 5 years old. Bedtime routine should be loo teeth story kiss goodnight and leave.

Why can't she play with her soft toys in bed before she goes to sleep OP? I really think you need to pick your battles. I think you're making things hard for yourself. Does she know what happened and that a hard bit of the toy hit you in the face - I think you need to explain this so she knows your anger wasn't just from her bopping you on the nose with a cuddly. Her bedroom needs to be somewhere she feels safe.

What is her bedtime routine though? If you read her a story in bed then she has a reason to get into bed and relax while she listens. A good bedtime routine will also help to tell her brain that it's sleep time. I used to read a story and then get DS to close his eyes while I softly sang some nursery rhymes to him, he'd be asleep in minutes. If she's not appearing to be tired everyday though maybe it's time to make her bedtime a little later?

I tell mine that if they don't be quiet and go to sleep, I'm going to hang them from the ceiling by their ankles and they can sleep like bats.

I'm obviously not threatening enough because then they whoop all over the house doing bat impressions.

I think I need to shout more.

The problem is (and I know this is a terrible habit I’ve got into and need to break!) that she won’t go to sleep without me there. She’s usually fine and falls asleep on my shoulder after a story pretty quick then I roll her over and leave. I was starving and wanted to go down and have my dinner! I’ve tried leaving many times but she’ll just get up and follow me out the room every time so I end up giving in because it’s so much quicker. She’s still got this idea that if she doesn’t fall asleep instantly after she puts her head on the pillow then she “can’t sleep”. I’ve tried telling her if she tries for 5 minutes (I actually make it about 10) then she can have another short story but she ended up just trying to stay awake for that time to get the story! So I ditched that. I’d happily let her play with her toys as long as she was in bed if I could leave. I need to break the habit I think and try again to get her to go to sleep by herself

It's quite common for kids to struggle to get to sleep on their own. You have to decide what works for you as a family. Long-term they'll grow out of it, but you're not a failure as a parent if actually you decide this is one issue you don't really care about fighting and just accept you'll have to lie next to her for a bit and doom-scroll on your phone. Neither are you an awful person if actually you do need her going to sleep on her own for your own sanity and there are some tears while you insist on this! As the grown-up, you get to decide what battles to pick.