5 year old behaviour escalating

[Firsttimemummy204]

Looking for some advice regarding my lovely 5 year old son. He’s always been highly emotional but recently it’s become unmanageable at times.
He is often calm, happy and very sociable. No concerns previously from nursery or from school which he started in August.
At home when he is not happy or asked to do something that he doesn’t want to, his behaviour escalates rapidly and can be very impulsive. He throws things, hits/bites/kicks and overall is very destructive. This can continue for a long time.
We try to stay calm and acknowledge his frustration but also have to keep everyone safe. As he grows this is becoming more difficult. I am covered in bruises and he is now directing this behaviour towards his older brother.
I dont know how to handle it much longer. Unsure if we should seek professional help for strategies but I don’t even know where to start.
Any advice would be appreciated.

What are the consequences to this behaviour? There is no way I'd let a child of mine hurt and mark me , you're the parent bigger and stronger. It needs nipping in the bud.

With respect, I don’t think it’s as simple as nipping in the bud. We have tried many many strategies and our concern is could there be a greater issue that we need assistance with. We have tried removing things of value to him
like toys etc, he’s missed out on important events in his life such as parties and days out etc, we have used reward charts, raised our voices, stayed calm… We are at a complete loss. He is a strong boy who despite these efforts struggles to control his anger.

It's called boundaries. He's 5! Who's in charge here? Time to get tough.

@Firsttimemummy204sounds like he’s struggling to regulate his emotions and I have 2 boys who are very similar. Have you done much with him in terms of identifying the feelings and zones of regulation? Once he recognises and can name the feelings, you can work on strategies that are better to redirect those feelings so no one gets hurt. You may well have tried a lot but some
of the useful things we do when tensions are rising are, breathing techniques, grounding techniques like identifying something you see of every colour of the rainbow, or naming 1 things you can see, one you can smell and one you can hear. If these aren’t enough; then my son likes to kick a football around when he’s really wound up, throw teddies at the wall so getting the frustration out but in a safe way, ripping paper and Velcro are also quite satisfying. my son also has a body sock.

The other thing I found useful was trying to identify the triggers, certain time of day or part of the week. My youngest (4) gets worked up a lot with transitions, time to get dressed, time to go out, time for bed etc so timers, notice of things changing, choices where possible help him but appreciate it’s not always possible.

Do you talk to him once he has calmed down? Try and identify what caused the reaction if it’s not obvious.

I still think consequences are important if boundaries are crossed although don’t think it makes much difference when in the moment.

Have there been any changes other than starting school, which is a big one. As the weather changes has he had less time outside?
He could be getting over tired or is trying so hard to follow the rules all day at school then, once home, takes out his anger and frustration out on those closest to him.
I’d try to unpick any triggers for his behaviours e.g.demands or requests. Use STAR analysis
setting, trigger, action, result ( for him and you)
You could be inadvertently rewarding negative behaviour. Look at how you can change things e.g. calm, quiet, low demand environment when he gets home from school.
Try to record when behaviour occurs day, time etc. Obviously do all this without his knowledge.
Sounds like he’s struggling with emotional regulation. You can help him to start to recognise his feelings and distract him or encourage him to do a wind down or calming activity. Look at 5 point scale resources online.
Once he’s in meltdown don’t engage or try to say you know how he feels etc.
You have tried removing items as negative consequences and it isn’t working. Try reward/ star charts for items he does want ( low value high interest) or extra time doing something he likes. I know you have tried. New start every day.
He’s old enough to sit down and make a list of house rules no hitting, kicking, throwing, nipping etc. Display and give reminders.
Remove him or yourselves if he is hurting others. Could he have a beanbag or junior punchbag to take out his frustration on?
Maybe you can try new strategies at half term and monitor differences when at school/ not at school.
Good luck.

@NatalieH2220 thanks for your kind response. Really helpful points. We work hard to distract but I like your suggestions.
I absolutely agree regarding boundaries but I feel this is a deeper problem and not as simple as some may think.
Once he has calmed down we discuss feelings and how although angry, we cannot tolerate his behaviour and the actions he displays. He agrees with this and apologies. We discuss other ways of managing this and practice different strategies to help him cope.
We frequently use timers and this works well.
we have identified after school is a potential trigger as well as not being outside and having that release of energy.
We just feel helpless at the moment and unsure what to do next.

@24Dogcuddler thank you for the reply. Really helpful ideas. I like the house rules idea and having that as a visual for him. I have just looked at the 5 point scale and feel this could be really beneficial. I am definitely guilty of trying to engage too much when he is in the moment and i need to stop this.
School is most definitely a factor in his struggles and post school we work hard to help him stay calm and have time to adjust.
Bean bag sounds like another good suggestion to help manage frustrations and have a safe place to do so. Thanks again for the helpful ideas.

Not saying he’s autistic (although I could have written this about my ds when he was that age) but read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, and look at PDA and PDA strategies (The PDA society has some great resources) as they may make your life easier.

@IronSpam Thanks for your reply. I actually ordered this book earlier today so hopefully some helpful info from it.

We have considered potential neurodivergent traits but other than the struggles with anger he shows no other signs.

Just another thought, It may be worth seeing if the school can offer any support if you’re noticing a pattern re after school. See what provisions they have in place as they may be able to offer check ins throughout the day or opportunities to offload/talk about feelings.

I also avoid asking things like ‘how was your day’ on pickup and leave them to mention when they’re ready.

Again, not saying he’s autistic, but it took us years to accept that Ds could be autistic for a couple of reasons:

1. much of the stuff that is commonly known about it is the very stereotypical presentations so difficult to recognise in many children who present more subtly.
2. we are also autistic, so all of the autistic behaviour we missed was because we did it too and it was normal to us.

Have a good after school routine if that's somewhere he struggles OP, include snack and drink, calming activities like reading him a story and not asking anything of him as he might have reached his limit of being asked to do stuff at school. Very calm and chilled. We had this for DS (later diagnosed with ASD) at this age. He will appreciate the familiarity of the routine even if not ASD.