How do I tell 4 year old his dad can't see him anymore?

[Solost92]

DS is 4, I left his dad when he was 1 due to DA, with the support of some lovely mumsnet users. I maintained a relationship between them due to threats of what he'd do if I didn't and i didnt feel legally supported to prevent contact. He's been a present but very emotionally abusive father since.

There have been multiple concerns taken to social services and police by myself and nursery, always dismissed and not considered cause for preventing contact.

Social services have now decided he is a threat and are instructing contact ceases. I don't really have a say, but I am having to "lead the charge" in terms of what documents and processes happen.

I do think it's best for DS. But obviously I'm terrified.

Anyway. DS loves his dad. Even if he upsets him alot. He has been very proactive in brainwashing DS.

How do I explain the situation to DS? I don't know if the decision will be overturned and contact resume. I have no idea what the future holds. What I know is that DS won't see him for the foreseeable. So I want DS to feel secure. Understand he won't be seeing dad for a while. But also not needlessly upset him.

I would just say to him that his father is unable to see him for the foreseeable future and you don’t know if that will change at any point. Then just repeat. He will accept it and move on.

I'd say that daddy loves him very much, but right now the policeman says daddy isn't allowed to see you and mummy because he's not keeping you safe enough, and you're really important and need to be kept safe.

If DS is missing him, I’d get him to draw pictures for daddy. It’s a really constructive thing whivh he can do to help with his feelings. You can just put them into an envelope somewhere safe.
If contact resumes, DS can take the pictures with him. If indirect contact is allowed, you can post them. If not, you can eventually pack them away somewhere for DS to have when he’s older.

Don't ever say that a parent who is not safe loves their child.

What message does that send? Someone who emotionally abused you loves you? NO.

OP, stick to something that cannot be argued with and that is truthful.

Your ex cannot see him right now because people in charge have decided that he is not behaving well as a dad.

Does he ask after him inbetween contact visits ?

When I worked in the field, we talked to kids about adults having ‘grown up problems’. So telling him that his dad has grown up problems, they are not your fault, but it means he can’t see you for now. I don’t know when you will be able to see him again but we can keep talking about it when you want to. Hopefully that is enough for his age but it is ok to talk factually about dad shouting or being mean and how we don’t let people treat us like that - if that feels appropriate or needed. Letting him be sad/ have his feelings.

Has your DS ever had any support from women’s aid or similar? What do you mean about brainwashing him? They could be a helpful support to you both in addressing whatever has been said, and it may mean you need to say a bit more to counter where dad was wrong.

But the opposite of that is that everyone who says they love them are trustworthy, which we know definitely isn't the case. It's not as black and white as you are wanting it to be.

I think I'm going to speak to the gp about counselling for DS.

He does ask when he's seeing his dad quite alot. He'd anxious when he's not with him becuase his dad told him he cries when he's not there and DS thinks its his job to look after him.

The social services lady is referring me to a DA support service so I can ask them. I'm just so anxious about how he's going to handle it.

In that case can you reassure hin that his DF is ok and he doesn’t need to worry about him? That is an awful lot of responsibility for a 4 yo to carry.