I don't want to be a mum anymore

[BellMell]

My son is 4 and a half months old and I'm a single parent. My partner left when I was 4 months pregnant (He cheated with someone he knew). He doesn't see our son and doesn't give any money to support.

I loved being around my son. He was so happy and always smiling, easy to put down for sleep, liked going out for activities and always finished his bottle. He was literally the perfect baby for me, but once he turned 4 months, he changed completely. His naps became shorter and he fights it so much, he doesn't like doing the same activities as before so we have to leave early and that. He fights me when I undress and redress him and when I put him in his stroller.

I try playing and interacting with him and he looks bored and isn't interested. He screams at me if I try encouraging him to play with his toys or tummy time.

He doesn't smile with me and will give his old big smiles to other people, which breaks my heart as he looks more happy with them. I feel like he despises more and more each day.

I have lost count on how many days and nights I have cried. I have tried not to cry in front of him, but it's difficult.

Everyone keeps saying it's just a phase and it will pass and that I'm doing a good job with him and he still loves me, but I don't believe them. I have taken him to doctor surgery and they say he's fine and thriving.

Today I tried going through his old baby clothes because the pile was building up and I was getting annoyed with seeing it. He kept screaming, so I tried taking short breaks to play with him, but he didn't want that. He didn't want to play with any of the toys himself. I tried sitting him on my lap, but it was difficult to do things with one hand available and he kept trying to sit up/stand up on his own, which wasn't helping the situation. I couldn't lay him down, on a bouncer or anything because he didn't want that. I tried changing the room, he calmed down slightly, but not a lot. I was getting tired and frustrated.

He was clearly very overtired, but kept screaming and screeching when I tried putting him down.

He was changed and fed.

When I tried again, he kept making a very loud and high pitched scream. So much so he was going red in the face. I tried cooling him down and offering his dummy and I don't know how long it took, but he finally fell asleep.

I'm tired of feeling this way. Everyday is a fucking fight and struggle. I have spoken to my GP about how I was feeling, but she wasn't too concerned. Although I have been out through for counciling, but I don't know how long that will take.

I don't have any close family and only a hand of friends. They have offered to help, but when I've asked, they say "Oh, I'm busy today" "My son has been playing up, so I can't watch your son" "I'm tired" or "I have a headache". In the end I stopped asking.

I was given numbers for help for parents, but I feel like they will judge me. I know they shouldn't, but I can't help feel this way.

I miss how he was before. I miss him being happy to see me first thing in the morning. I miss him being excited to going somewhere new.

I dread him waking up because I know he won't be happy to see me.

For the last few days I have been at things online like; How long will it take for a 4 month old baby to get over the primary partner leaving for good? How long will it take for a 4 month to bond with a new parent? And thaing like that.

I don't know if I have postnatal depression. I have been diagnosed and everything I spoke to haven't had any comments about that.

Sorry for the depressing post, but I need to vent somewhere

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. He is in the zone for teething which can cause them pain and distress for a few weeks before anything starts showing. You could try him with liquid paracetamol (Calpol or store brand equivalent) and see if that helps.

So has this only been happening for 2 weeks if he’s 4.5 months and you say he changed at 4 months old?

OP, focus on yourself here. Your baby is being a tiny tyrant in a particularly challenging, but developmentally normal phase. He doesn’t look pleased to see you because you, at the moment, are like water to a fish — just the element he swims in.

Regardless of whether or not you have PND, you’re enduring a very difficult time in your life at the moment, and you need support and resources to help you get through it. No one will judge you. It sounds as if you’d benefit from therapy, quite apart from anything else.

@MayaPinion I have tried teething gels and paracetamol with him, but it doesn't seem to make a difference and he won't use teething toys except for his dummy

@londongirl12 there was some changes before he was 4 months, but it's gotten was since he did turn 4 months

I'm a practical problem solver so 1/ get to the doctor. You sound like you have pnd 2/ get a sling.

At 4 months their sleep tends to go haywire, and they get particularly fussy too. I remember feeling pushed to my limits because I was so tired. It's a cliche but try and sleep when the baby sleeps and even if the naps are short, close your eyes. Get out and about as much as possible. It feels like forever when you're in it but these are phases. Hang in there, you're doing great.

Sending you big hugs, you are in such a difficult situation and sounds like you are doing everything brilliantly!
He could be beginning teething, could be a growth spurt, all sorts going on...I promise it will get better. Like PP said, try and nap when he naps and get outside for fresh air every day, little things will make you feel a little bit better.
Would you like to go to some baby groups? meeting new people with babies the same age might also help you, everyone will be going through the same things as you and will feel good to chat about it!

For us, the thing that made the biggest difference with the crying was Infacol. It might not be the same issue for you but it's worth a try. It took a few days of it before ds became more settled. Panic would set in if we ever ran out. It was literally life changing.

Read up on both colic and silent reflux to see if anything rings a bell.

Have a look at the 'wonder weeks' app. It's about how babies develop mentally and how they have these leaps in their cognitive ability. Around this age is a particularly big one which makes them cranky as they're trying to learn new things. I have 4 children and it was spot on with all of mine. Around 5 months was ways the most difficult time for me in terms of their behaviour. At least it might give you an idea as to what's going on and how you can help him! Hang in there, you'll get through it X

You’ve had some really good advice here @BellMell sojustto add please putin a cms claim against your ex. He left you but doesn’t get to entirely abandon his son and has to at least chip in. Claims can’t be backdated so please do that now.

Put in a CMS claim. Go to the GP and ask what help there is locally, you need some support. Get a sling.

Yes I also came to say have a look at wonder weeks app. It is great for explaining in the detail your baby's development and how it affects their behaviour.

It sounds like you are going through such a difficult time, raising a baby alone with no help is so difficult but I can assure you that your baby does love you and will settle down. They go through many phases where they can be unsettled but the way I got through it with my 2 was lowering my standards in terms of housework, and wearing a sling when either of my DD's were particularly unsettled (in my DD2's case this was most of the time).

Also I found getting out the house important, having a change of scenery- even just getting out for a walk would do us all good. Putting them in the bath can also sometimes help.

it sounds partly like post natal depression, which health visitors are not always great at recognising in my experience so try and get some help for that. With regards to your DS, my DD cried almost constantly at various phases and as she was my second a lot of the time had to just get on with it. If the doctor has ruled out a physical cause and you know they are not hungry, wet or in pain don’t feel bad if you don’t know what else to try. Sometimes they just cry and nothing will work. Aware this isn’t the way most people parent now, as mine are both young adults, but I kept my sanity and they have both grown into amazing people. Cut yourself some slack.

And get to CMS and make your ex pay what he owes.

Papa needs to pay maintenance

I imagine you might not have had much of a chance to fully process your relationship ending? Good that you’ve been referred for counselling. Depression is a normal part of grief, and breakups take a lot of grief processing… makes sense when you think about what you’re googling.

Perhaps your baby is picking up on your feelings? Which is totally normal. Babies need mum’s nervous system to regulate, so if you’re rattled, baby will be rattled. He’s maybe just enjoying the calm or the variety/stimulation when he’s being passed to other people? Hard work and horrible for you, but all totally normal. Be kind to yourself about it!

There could be some sleep regression or teething going on too? I seem to remember 4 months being really hard work, lots of crying, possible teething but no real signs of it except fussiness etc. I think when teeth are moving through the gums they can still hurt, even though there’s none of the red cheeks/dribbling etc going on, and the gel doesn’t really reach the pain.

Someone told me when mine was little - might have read it on MN actually - “the days are long but the years are short”, and it’s so true. When you’re in the day to day grind with little ones it’s exhausting, relentless, repetitive, draining. There’s always going to be these moments where you just want to give up and wish someone would take it all off your plate. Plus you’re doing it all on your own, so doubly so! But these moments pass. Try to give yourself bags of patience and understanding.

Try a second hand baby swing. If it works then you can invest in a new model if your budget allows.

You can then have some hands free time.

I lost my mind at the 4 months mark, and I had plenty of help. I called my DH to rush home from work as I was going to kill myself. I had it planned out and almost did it but a second of reason made me ask for help. I didn't have PND, my baby was just extremely hard work and I didn't even get a chance to eat most days. I couldn't face another day of screaming, contact napping, and zero night sleep.

6-7 months I was living my best life. Literally the best time of my life.

It went down hill when he started teething and I went back to work.

He's 14 months and a (very hard work) delight now.

It's a rollercoaster. Especially if you're on your own.

Look at nurseries now. Where i live It's normal to go back to work at 12 weeks so it's very normal even if in the UK it is not. You may not think it's good for the baby but you really do need a break.

look up sleep regression

The first few months of having a baby is such a rollercoaster! I struggled so much with my baby and I’m now on anti depressants and they have saved me. Maybe worth looking into something like that? I feel like I can cope so much more and love my baby more.
I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but things will get easier and more enjoyable you just have to hang on in there.
don’t put pressure on yourself to get lots done in the house etc. just go with it each day 💕

I'm so sorry you’re feeling like this. Try and be brave and use the phone numbers you’ve been given. You may find the people at the other end have similar experiences. We all find different stages of parenting difficult. Please don’t suffer alone. You’re going through a difficult time. Tell your health visitor or doctor how much you’re struggling right now. I know it doesn’t feel like it when you’re in the thick of it but it won’t be like this forever.

So sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. Babies can be an absolute nightmare, and I can’t even imagine doing it all on my own without a partner or my mother close by to help so hats off to you honestly, you’re doing amazing!!!
I know it’s hard to ride these things out but I PROMISE YOU this is a phase. Even in 2 months time your baby will be a different baby. And again 2 months later. I’m not saying they stop being challenging but the challenges change and they gradually get more and more independent and each milestone makes things easier. At 6 months you can start giving snacks which is great for getting 5 mins peace. He will also start to sit up, which is great cos lots of whinging around this age is frustration from them as they want to sit up. Then he will pull up, start cruising, then walking, then running, and each thing will make him happier and give you a bit more freedom and space.
He will also drop naps and with each one life actually becomes easier because it’s less faffing about and once they’re one 1-2 naps a day it’s much easier and they become more settled and very ready for their naps and the naps become longer and you can rest or get things done. Their naps become longer at about 10 months, they naturally start doing about an hour a time.

So please try and focus on the fact that it is all a just phase, and it will pass.

In the mean time you need to just do whatever you can to stay sane. If that’s bingeing tv and choc in the evenings then go for it. If it’s finding a childminder or a baby sitter to get you some time out then do that.
If it’s getting out more, seeing fresh air and having a walk, then do that. Agree a sling or Baby carrier is a life saver and that could help you with getting out.

Highly recommend meeting some new mum friends who are in the trenches with. I couldn’t have done it without my mum friends (met at baby classes and peanut app!)

I definitely recommend therapy asap. You need support. You will get priority assessment and treatment at your local talking therapies service (assuming you’re in England) due to being perinatal. Why not do an online referral tonight? Get the ball rolling. They will really boost you up with some coping strategies and a space to talk some of it through.

Also would you consider trying anti-depressants? Again just to give you a little boost and take the edge off while you’re in this awful stage?

You sound lovely and like a really great mum. I promise you that your baby will 100% be better off with you rather than giving him away, even if you’re struggling, and I think deep down that is what you want, you’re just tired and exhausted and overwhelmed. And I don’t blame you, what you’re going through is one of the biggest challenges you will ever face in life. It’s normal to feel how you feel, especially with so little support! But I promising you can do this! 💪🏻 Sending you big hugs ❤️

Why on earth didn’t you put a CMS claim in? It’s outrageous that he isn’t paying anything, why should you and the state carry the burden of his abandonment?

Baby be babying. They will change, be extra fussy, be delightful, be irritable, be happy and so on - a rollercoaster of emotions 😂 with each stage of development. It will start to get better, but my advice would be to stop trying to get things done if baby wants contact/to be held. Those things can wait until he is somewhat putdownable. I think they can sense when you're tense as well so as hard as it is try and relax into things. I found walks and fresh air helped around that age. I replaced my pram to make sure baby was comfy and it helped! Also started baby class 2 times a week which helps break up the day and sets up nap time, baby was really absorbed in looking at the other babies.

The beauty of motherhood is the challenge. Stay motivated and keep growing in your child, He is loved and valued and over time he will adjust to your care and give you alot of peace.

This is good advice. To your son, you and him are one. You are not separate to him yet. He smiles at strangers because they are separate beings and he needs to win them round.
We were all like your son at 4 months old. Including you. It's a stage and it will pass. When he's being a grump it's best just to bung him in a sling or pushchair and get out and see a friend ... and if it's raining just wander round the shops and talk to old ladies like me.
Meanwhile, it does sound like you have PND. Please ask for help. Nobody will judge. It's so common. Everybody gets it.
Good luck OP. Your description of trying to sort the clothes pile brought so many memories back about the weirdness of being a mum. You are a good writer. Wish you all the best.