Support with suspected ADHD

[Jyteo2]

Hi does anyone have any experience or advice? I have 8 year old boy and 7 year old daughter. I’ve long suspected my son may have ADHD and he is on the waiting list for assessment.

Things/scenarios he finds particularly difficult-
Being told off
Things not being completely ‘fair’ as in someone getting more than him (he is a good loser so I don’t mean in games)
Sometimes he tries to wind people up- especially his sister e.g if she asks me if her hair looks nice, he will chime in and say no it looks silly. He also then can get annoyed at himself if he knows he has done something wrong.

The things can result in big meltdowns, crying, hitting himself, saying he’s stupid etc. he will settle after about 15 minutes and we have a cuddle and he visibly relaxes into me. Before that point he does not want me to touch him but wants me near him. I find these very hard as he is very distressed and I hate that he would feel that way about himself.

Has anyone experience of similar and has any advice? I also dont want to be excusing things that may also just be ‘poor’ behaviour or ‘cheek’ because obviously theres are rules and expectations around that too.

School also note poor listening, impulsiveness, difficulty moving between tasks, easily distracted. Academically he is in the top groups.

Single mum so doing it alone.

It's really hard and he's still young so it's challenging.

My advice is to try to think ahead and head off as much as possible. And pick your battles. If he does have ADHD, he will struggle to be rational and may well be a bit behind peers in maturity, so attempting to have sensible conversations can be hard. I think learning his triggers and aiming to avoid them is fine. You will be told not to "molly coddle" him or that you're "spoiling him" but the goal is to keep him on an even keel so that he has the space and the room to grow, learn and mature without being highly disregulated.

So, for example, in our case, mornings can be quite stressful. Or used to be. I learnt I had to accept that I had to do more for him to keep things moving than perhaps most parents would do for a child that age. Get his clothes ready and have them in the same place every day - you can tell him you're doing it (calmly - he'll pribably push back) so that he's learning that this happens (and hopefully with then take it on himself in due course). Does he need a good breakfast - make sure you're facilitating that even if it's a bit of a pain. I often got up earlier to make banana pancakes or eggs or whatever, because it was in my interest to ensure he had a proper breakfast as he stayed calmer and started his day better. Fill his waterbottle, help him pack his bag etc etc etc.

That's for us. You might have other things. Eg, food can often be a challenge - is he startving after school? Is it worthwhile prepping so that he has a good snack as soon as he comes through the door and avoids that. Or perhaps he really really hates rushing home from school so can you schedule in time for him to sort of wander around and be a bit clueless. whatever works for you and him.

When he's upset etc, absolutely be there and/or reassure him but do not argue with him or get into a debate. He's not rational in those moments. So if he's telling you how awful he is, just repeat whatever setence seems most appropriate, "finding that hard is just one of those things. Doesn't make you a bad person."

Children with ADHD hear negative feedback more than others. Consciously and actively look for how you can provide positive feedback. This will vary by child - my DS was NOT going to fall for "wow, you got dresse don time, well done" but others might! :) Sometimes, it was acknowledging that he found something difficult but gave it a go anyway. DS was very determined and quite resilient and got a lot of praise for that. Sometmies rather than praise, it was just acknowledgement, "thank you for coming down so quickly - can you put your shoes on now so we can get going as I'm worried about being late". etc

Exercise. It's really really important for children with ADHD. Ironically, they will often sometimes resist it too! But do try to build this in as much as possible. Things for DS really started to improve once he was allowe da lot more independence and I think a big part of that was just bein gout and about and moving a lot - to the park with friends, or to the shop or whatever. Walk to school if you can, encourage after school activities etc etc.

it's hard. But you're on the right track already if you're in the process of getting assessments.