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Parenting

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Original poster

struggling with two - tell me its gonna get better

20 replies

easternblocmonkey · 04/06/2008 20:39

I have a 3.5year old and a 6 month old and I am really struggling on the days I have both of them. I really dread Thursdays and Fridays as I just feel I don't want a whole day of my 3.5 dd. She is really hyper and wants me to join in on her games and I am tired and irratible with her. My 6 month old is up 3 or 4 times in the night and I am so tired. I feel like a really horrible mum and she says to me - are you happy mummy. I loose it with her quite a bit and take things out on her - and then feel really guilty. I feel like I am wadding through mud. I take her to groups and out to the park - but to be honest I just want her to play by herself which isn't fair. Today she even said she just wanted daddy to look after her
Anyone in the same boat - tell me it will get better

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Fillyjonk · 04/06/2008 20:49

ebm it so will get better, honestly

this time next year, odds are they will play together

you need time and space. 3 kids are exhausting but esp the baby stage

I think it is fine to say, eg "I will play with you AFTER I have drunk this coffee.". Get her (and most importantly, YOU) used to the idea that you need to recharge. (I actuallly tell my kids that my fun levels are like a battery and get used up).

Initiate games that you like. I find board games and stuff like duplo, blocks etc SO much easier than bloody trains.

Get out a lot, in all weathers. Stuff seems better outside.

Fillyjonk · 04/06/2008 20:50

(sorry 2 kids exhausting, I meant. 3 kids are beyond exhausting )

Fillyjonk · 04/06/2008 20:50

oh yes and the daddy thing, very commonm, don't worry about it

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Kitsilano · 04/06/2008 20:55

Oh my god. Are you my double? I feel like you have read my mind. I have a 3.2DD1 and 6 month old DD2 and feel exactly the same as you.

Don't want to spend the whole day with DD1 - Yup!

Baby up 3-4 times a night - Yup!

So I am sleep deprived, irritable and constantly longing for peace and to be away from my children.

I can't offer any advice but at least feel that you are not alone.

MsPontipine · 04/06/2008 21:01

Have you any friends with children that they can bring to play with dd while you two have a good chin-wag?

My ds is always on at me "you never play with me . . . " etc but when he has a friend over I'm forgotten!

Even if you "borrow" somebody else's child for a while - I've found that far easier going as they entertain each other. Set a time linit though and send them home before they get tetchy and start squabbling!

Original poster

easternblocmonkey · 04/06/2008 21:03

Thanks Fillyjonk - you made me feel normal. Are you a moomin fan by any chance?

Kitsilano
Good to know I am not the only one - I crave some space - can't even go to the toilet without my dd coming in. Prehaps we can set up a support club for each other and top tips for coping

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snickersnack · 04/06/2008 21:05

Been there...it does get easier because at 3.5 and 12 months they are now able to entertain each other in short bursts, which is more fun for them and sweet to watch. It's SO important to make them understand that you need a few minutes to unwind occasionally - so "mummy is going to drink her tea while you play with bricks then we will go to the park" seems to work now. Plus, as MrsP said, get other people over with children. Even if you don't particularly like them, at least it gives the children something to do!!!

Jahan · 04/06/2008 21:05

You're not alone! I have a 3yo and 7mnth old. Its tough and people assure me it will get better.
Here's what I do;
Go out once a day to playgroups/park/library.
Think of one activity to do with the 3yo. (I bought a book on What to do with your toddler which I find useful)
Read a book or two (sometimes while I'm bfing)
Then you just encourage the 3yo to play by themselves or watch tv or a dvd.

I also aim to get through the day without shouting as I used to be very shouty and hated it. It upset my child and made me feel worse.

Jahan · 04/06/2008 21:09

Definitely yes to organising friends to come over. I'll often arrange that or meet them in a park etc.
I need adult chat otherwise I go mad.

peggotty · 04/06/2008 21:10

Oh bless you! I posted a thread just like this the other day - I have a 3 year old and a 4.5 month old and I am finding it so so hard! The whinging, demanding 3 year old, the whinging, teething 4.5month old. You have to get out of the house with them as much as possible. I also have become really irritable with my 3 year old, taking things out on her when I'm actually annoyed at the baby. The guilt is overhwhelming but as you can see, it's so common to struggle when you are still adjusting to having 2 children. My dd sometimes says to me 'do you like me?' which makes me feel awful!

Fillyjonk · 04/06/2008 21:14

"Are you a moomin fan by any chance?
"

just slightly

you are normal.

the first 6 months are the hardest. Pre sitting is very hard, sittng-walking less so, but haaaard

otoh, I have 3 and its actually kind of ok. the older two are now nearly 3 and 4.5 and just play together for hours.

pointydog · 04/06/2008 21:25

oh poor you. It will get better, it just takes quite a while. When your younger one is up on her feet, things'll start to feel easier.

Original poster

easternblocmonkey · 04/06/2008 22:47

Thankseveryone - I do see friends with kids but dd is very trantrumy at the moment and a bit of a handful, so sometimes is actually more stressful to see people.
We go out alot but the day still seems very long...dd will do an activity for 10 mins and then she wants me to do more stuff with her
I am so looking forward to when they can entertain each other
Fillyjonk - we are moomin fans her - got the mugs, bowls , snowstorms - would love to go to moomin world

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Chandon · 04/06/2008 23:16

it was like that for me.

They are 5 and 3 now, and it is SOOOO much better

I had anxiety attacks two years ago.... , I was too stressed (we emigrated when they were the age your Dcs are now, can you imagine the stress?!)

Original poster

easternblocmonkey · 05/06/2008 08:46

Wow Chandon that must have been stressful. Ds is teething and I am trying to wean him - he is pants at settling myself and I have to spend ages with him - dd is v demanding and hyper and talks non stop - sometimes I just want to run away ----arrrrrrgh

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BoyzntheShire · 05/06/2008 08:55

been there, feel your pain, know how awful it feels. you wish you were bright and happy and full of patience and fun and it turns out your tired and stressed and just want them all to go away.
give yourself a break, even if not a literal one, cut yourself some slack mentally; you are NOT a shit mother/terrible person, you are a HUMAN BEING who needs sleep and rest and nurturing too.
it does get better, they grow and before you know it, it will all be easier. its a slog till then, i agree, but theres nice bits in there too.
oh, and the good thing about you being so bloody tired is that your mind prob wont retain much in the way of detailed memory of this stage, so in 5 yrs youll look back and wont even reemmber how awful you feel

CalmCalmCalm · 05/06/2008 13:13

My DD1 says "are you happy mummy" to me too. Breaks my heart. I am in the same boat with, sadly, more bad days than good at the moment. I find if I can give DD undivided attention, even for 10 or 15 mins and get her involved in something then I get to do some things for myself/the baby without too much complaining. I find this is regardless of whether we'd been out to playgroup, etc that day (which actually made me really resentful. I thought "damn you, I've just spent 2 hours singing nursery songs and helping you on the craft table, why aren't you more bloody grateful and give me some peace!! Completely unreasonable to expect such behaviour from a 2.8 yo, I do know). The old sink full of water works well too.

I also find this website good for help and a reality check www.magicalchildhood.com/

alarkaspree · 05/06/2008 13:18

I found the first year hard, especially the time when ds was crawling because he would annoy dd so much. Then at around 12 months ds started walking and suddenly they started having fun together.

By the time ds was 18 months I found the days when dd was at nursery harder than the days I had them both.

It is really hard now but it gets so much better.

Original poster

easternblocmonkey · 05/06/2008 18:55

Had a better day today - found an old playgroup had re-opened which had a nice baby area and stuff to entertain dd. Came and insisted we had a bit of quiet time - managed to have a cup of tea and a sit down and then made some lollies together. The baby is at that stage where he just wants to crawl and is so frustrated that he can't move and makes the most ear shattering banshees noises that are really loud. Feeling better today

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cory · 06/06/2008 07:58

I had the same age difference and it was hard work!
Just look forward to the day when your dd can take little brother to school/the library/the sweet shop while you put your feet up with a cup of tea. Or when you can run down to the shops on your own and leave her minding him. Yes, I know it's quite a few years yet, but it such a good thing when it comes .

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