Do modern parents overthink everything?

[warrenettie]

Sometimes I wonder if we’ve all gone a bit overboard with how much we overthink parenting these days. Every decision — from what snacks to give the kids to how much screen time is “acceptable” — turns into a mini research project.
I catch myself reading five different articles about whether blueberries are a choking hazard or how many minutes of iPad time is too much, and then I realise my parents never thought twice about this stuff. We all survived, didn’t we?
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that we have so much information available, but at what point does it just make us more anxious?
Do you think modern parenting is too intense, or is it just that we’re more aware and doing better by our kids?

I can’t speak for others but I think for me it’s being an older mam that has made me more anxious. I don’t think I would have been as bad if id had kids younger. I work in emergency services and I’ve seen lots of not nice stuff and I didn’t think I’d been affected at all by it but it’s reared its head in the way I parent as I see danger everywhere. I’m not really anxious or over the top but much more so than I thought I’d be. I really thought I was going to be very chill 😂

Oh another AI written post about modern parenting writing another article or insta post maybe?

My parents had one book that was birth to three years, a more present health visitor, annd people they knew (who by nature were probably pretty similar to them) and that was it.

Within seconds I can find out 10 different opinions on just about every detail of how I bring up my kids.

regardless of the personalities, culture, law, ethical framework - we have So Much More information which we could take into account. No wonder we can (at times) overthink.

Absolutely! I think parents have completely lost their self-confidence and faith in themselves. There's so much scare-mongering and it's inescapable. It starts with pregnancy when you're supposed to be terrified of an endless list of everyday foods and activities. Then you have a newborn which you can't put to bed without following myriad rules, otherwise he might die. As the child grows, you are aware of all the mistakes you could make, and which might lead to life-long trauma - it's in the media, on the Internet, in parenting books, in the conversations you have with other parents or the child's grandparents. And of course you're supposed to listen to the experts, because they know best, you couldn't possibly do the right thing if you listened to your own common sense.
I'm not surprised most parents are paranoid about every single decision they take.

I don't recognise what you're referring to. I don't agonisie over blueberries, and I keep a vague eye on screen time, of course, but I don't get obsessive about it.

I mean sure, where there are specific issues, I spent a lot of itme researching - eg DS has ADHD and before I knew that, the sleep impact caused a lot of stress. But then, 50 years ago, I know that my mother spent a lot of time worrying about my minor disability and how to manage it. So I don't think that's weird or new.

As a grandparent I do agree to some extent with the observation that parents now have so much information that it is hard not to feel anxious. I do sympathise with how the OP feels.

But the other side of this is that there are more dangers - traffic is faster and denser - we truly were poked out of the door in the morning, either to make our way to school (in my case by public buses aged 5) or to wander the vicinity picking up friends to go to the "rec" with from a similar age.

We were not bombarded with information and there really was nowhere to look stuff up. We were given a booklet about the baby stage by the midwife and then another for toddlers by the health visitor and we just looked stuff up in that.

I do sense both a greater sense of anxiety about parenting itself and what is safe, but also about doing the "right" thing - this latter is I think fuelled by social media. Parents see what others are doing as they post about their day, and then worry that they are not doing similar. I only had the vaguest idea what my closest fellow parents were doing.

And of course I did not have to navigate/police "screens" and their sensible use. When my grandma died we were left a tiny bit of money and with it we bought a BBC computer - a thumping great thing that had no connection to anything but you could feed in tapes from which some really clunky games could be played - the children loved it!

I have seen my own AC deal with parenting anxieties that I simply did not have. Perhaps I was just a lax parent!

It is clear that parents are trying to do their best by their children and that is a huge positive - but children need relaxed parents and the anxiety that the current over-information might generate is the negative. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing!

Good luck to all you young parents navigating these minefields ......

I completely agree and often say the same thing

Our parents never second guessed themselves

Yes 100%. That’s why I left all the Facebook parenting groups, bar one. My mental health couldn’t cope with all the stress of over-information.
i chose how I want to raise my kids and what kind of parent i want to be, and that was it. I would have gone mental otherwise. I also stopped listening to other mums, and I stopped judging other people’s parenting. Each to their own, my kids are happy, healthy, and who cares if they are the top reader or whatever. “Looking in” is my moto

To busy doing the do to over think it! Just Do what you feel is right for your family at the time.

I partially agree. We do overthink it way too much, but a lot has changed in the past couple of decades.

Just two examples you mentioned that have changed immensely and have a huge impact is screen time and processed foods.
We never had access to screens and as much processed foods, both of these things have such a huge impact.

I think one of today's biggest problems is that we have so much information at our fingertips about every subject possible, and much of it so conflicting. Add to that the plethora of perfect "insta" families, is it any wonder we're overthinking every move we make.
I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd, my 1st was born nearly 13 yrs ago, and I'm certainly seeing the difference social media has made. I'm finding myself Googling things that never even came into my mind first time around. And there is an even longer list of things I should avoid, and it seems to get longer every week.

What? Blueberries are not processed foods. Perhaps not th epoint but the reality is that people learnt how to feed their children from other people and being sensible. Instead of refusing to allow their children to ever eat grapes until they're about 15 years old.

Completely agree. Would also add that just about everything these days in general is encouraged to go down the overthinking route . Using your own mind is not encouraged.

Sorry that’s not what I meant. I meant feeding our children in general. An obsession on what we feed our children.

I think people really overthink choking hazards.

No. They’re all different, as they always were.

I don’t really sorbet that way OP, it sounds exhausting. Of course I worry over some things but I don’t research blueberries or screen time. I try to just use common sense on things really and what feels natural. Life is too stressful already to add extra pressure on ourselves

Never found a post more relatable! Am on my third now, and while I google less, the mum-guilt remains and often second guess whether I’m ‘parenting right’ as shown on the many experts on social media! While the fear of judgement from others seems particularly strong - which feels especially unfair as it’s often from those who don’t have kids, had them many years ago and look back with rose-tinted glasses, or is seemingly blessed with an angel child!

I think life experience really does change how we see things — especially if you’ve seen difficult situations up close. It’s hard to just switch that part of your brain off when it comes to your own kids.
I sometimes feel the same way, even without working in something as intense as emergency services. The older I get, the more aware I am of all the “what ifs,” and it definitely makes me more cautious than I expected to be. I always imagined I’d be a really laid-back parent too, but reality has a funny way of humbling us, doesn’t it?

Same here. Meant to write something similar but lazily quoted instead. Sorry @Mischance !

Definitely. The whole thing is not helped by judgemental forums like this, where if you post about a DC problem, you're likely to get at least one responder intoning "You Have Failed Your Child."

And then there's all the many, many posts on e.g. Reddit from twentysomethings talking about how badly they were parented and how much it messed them up, and how they've gone NC. It puts the fear in you!

My own parents, born in the 1930s-40s, were appallingly parented by today's standards, but they almost never spoke about it.

I’m sure some do, but it’s not a general thing in my experience, and it’s certainly not how I parent, or how the people I know parent. Obviously some more thought is needed for dealing stuff that either didn’t happen in the past (cyber-bullying, children now surviving with disabilities or chronic conditions that would have previously killed them, diagnoses of conditions unknown in the past) or was treated differently (friends have twin girls conceived either donor sperm and an egg from a family member, for instance), but I don’t recognise the ‘obsessing over snacks or screen time’ or the research thing.

Mn seems to disproportionately attract socially-awkward, under-confident individuals who don’t seem to have much contact with others, so I’m assuming some of the over-thinking stems from that.

I think it's a mix of modern parents overthinking things and previous generations either not giving things enough thought or not having the information for safe decisions.

I wince at some of the things my parents did with us - for example giving us tea and coffee from being about 5. My mum gave us whole grapes to eat in the car as toddlers she says she wouldn't do it now the idea that they are choking hazards never entered her mind.

At the same time I do find that some of my parent friends and myself over think things especially with their firsts. It does come down how the baby is though. With my first we spent the first week checking the temperature of the room and what clothes we needed but it was a heat wave and they needed less than the standard vest and sleepsuit and the temperature of the room varied from day to day. When I had my second the house was a normal temperature and a steady temperature so vest sleepsuit swaddle bag was perfectly ok every night.

My first had feeding issues so I religiously timed each breastfeed and was checking for signs of dehydration if she hadn't had "enough" and searching for how long babies should feed for in a day. My second so far has fed beautifully since his tongue tie was cut. I timed feeds for the first week, once I was happy that he fed regularly and we weren't getting the same issues I had with my daughter I stopped.

It certainly seems to be the case. I had my son in 1977 and whilst more "modern" approaches were creeping in at that time, we still pretty much just got on with it and did our best. We all knew that kids shouldn't be spoon fed sugar, that they were likely to choke on a grape and that they shouldn't wander off to look at puppies! I was a very relaxed mum because basically there wasn't anything to overthink. Except for the time that the baby rolled off the sofa, then I freaked! I feel sorry for parents these days, I really do. Social media has so much to answer for.

So true. But also, its a resilience thing. I once got basically told on here that I was giving ds cancer because I mentioned giving him salami sandwiches in his lunchbox on a lunchbox thread. I thought it was hilarious and stupid but its true that a lot of people dont have that ability yo brush comments like that off and then forums like this become a burden rather than a help.

I think some people have too much time on their hands and this is how we spend it. Instead of enjoying themselves and using the time more creatively, it’s more work…