Year 7 Friendships

[Mumstheword2025]

massive over worrier here just looking for some reassurance. Daughter has recently started year 7 and seems happy enough - naturally still tending to hang around with her primary school friends as it’s all still new - walking to school together we get etc. Is it normal for there to be dramas all the time? Daughter has settled well I feel and is starting to make new friends (she got burned by some primary school friends so chats to them etc but doesn’t really mix much due to diff classes etc) however is closer to one friend who she is in a tutor/lots of classes with and walks with (been friends since nursery). This friend can be very stroppy and dramatic tho and my daughter does not like drama. She sends her messages in the morning saying I’m not going to hang out with you this week cos you said this/that. My D will be honest with me (and I check her phone) and says she hasn’t and doesn’t understand why she does this / is it attention? I feel for my D going off to school with this hanging over her even tho she says she’s ok. Does this settle? I’m really hopeful of new friends is it too soon after only six weeks to want this? Sorry for rambling no one else to talk to. Thanks!

Perfectly normal for you (both) to feel this way. Starting Year 7 is stressful for kids and parents alike. She will find her own group at this school which may exclude her primary school friends over time. Encourage her to join in with any sport/ music/ social clubs at school to widen her friendship groups. It does get easier.

It sounds like the friend messaging her is a bit less mature socially than your daughter. Can you suggest she doesn't check her messages (particularly from this friend) before school?Then only messages are received after school when she is at home with you and any upset can be supported/ discussed?

Yes, unfortunately, it’s normal for there to be drama all the time from about here on out, probably until they really settle into smaller groups (I’m not sure when this happens, 6th form maybe?).

That said, she should absolutely not tolerate this sort of behaviour. This sounds like bullying, not jostling around of friend group drama. I’d be reinforcing for your dd not to put up with this crap. If a friend is telling her first thing in the morning that she is going to ignore her all day, she needs to block that girl and steer clear of her all day. Don’t engage. Don’t invite her over. Cultivate friendships with nicer girls (and boys). She doesn’t have to just accept being treated that way and hopefully this girl faces the consequences of not being kind soon when she starts losing friends.

My dd (Y8) came from a very small primary school, maybe 8 of them who went to secondary together. There is one boy who is always doing this. Kicking off calling people names, challenging them to fights, spreading rumours, getting his parents involved in messaging other children. Guess what? We’re a year into secondary school and friend groups have started to settle a bit. Guess who doesn’t have any friends? Guess who is never invited over to anyone’s house or to any birthday parties? You reap what you sow.

Kindness will get you far though. Encourage your dd to be kind to others and seek out friends who are kind to her. When the dust settles, she’ll be in with the nice lovely girls.

Thank you both. She is tolerant to a certain degree. Made more difficult by the fact they walk together (with other girls so often text to ensure they are all meeting etc). I am friendly with this girls mum but would never get involved and message her etc. felt quite proud as my daughter (after a bit of tooing and froing) just said that’s fine if you believe that and want a friendship break then do it. She doesn’t have time for drama I just say to her don’t take it you don’t need it people will get bored of it I think she thinks my daughter will just tolerate but I think she’s just waiting for these new friendships to bond - sad though and not necessary as she will be fine another day.

She sounds like she's confident in herself and handling it well. As the mother of 3dd (youngest in y13) I found it was constant drama at secondary until sixth form.

Before my daughter even started Yr 7, I reassured her that she would make new friends, find a friend group and that it is completely normal for there to be fall outs, drama, new friends and switching friend groups, and as long as there is no bullying she just had to be resilient and ride it out. She’s in yr 10 now and everything I said would happen has happened, and she has taken it all in her stride, although she often said “how did you know this would happen??” 😂

The original group was made up of some of the geekier girls, quiet girls and a couple of wild ones who had nowhere else to go. They’ve evolved and splintered off into mini groups now, all grown in confidence but every now and again they all get together for a birthday or cinema date.

At this point, I think the best gift you can give her is resilience. Learning to bounce back when things or people don’t go as expected is such an important skill. Reassure her that you’re there for her, but also give her the space and confidence to navigate this situation on her own as it’ll be a valuable character building experience.

I totally understand. There were a few spiky characters in our DDs primary and she honestly couldn’t wait to move on to new friends.

Agree with getting her to join in with lots of activities and just hope that this girl spoons tires of being mean.

A Mighty Girl has a few book suggestions on friendship. I don’t know if she would find any of those useful?

she sounds like she’s handling the situation/herself very well.

They will drift apart in due course, just let it play out. She will find her tribe, as they say.

Things will settle and she'll find her group. My daughter was experiencing similar at the start of year 7 ( primary school friends not wanting to walk with her, trying to exclude her from activities etc). She's now naturally moved away from these friends and made new friends and has so much more things in common with the new friends. There is still drama but she talks through things with me. Just make sure you talk and talk to your child ( bed time talks are usually a favourite time!). It is a very tricky time. It suddenly feels like they have to be little adults all of a sudden!

I think it's normal. Old friendships fade and new ones form but it takes a while. It's good to be proactive with making new ones if she's able. There is nastiness while things adjust ime.

It’s very normal for friendships to form quickly in Year 7, and then all change around as it gets to the first half term and everyone gets to know each other a bit better.

I could have written this to be honest. My daughter is Y8 now and she's still friends with the girl she's been friends with since Reception (I am friends with her mum also). There is usually issues with other girls and this friend and my daughter gets caught up in the middle. We've had the 'I'm going to walk on my own' texts too and I've just told her to respect it but depends on how often it happened. Whether need to set some boundaries but it has settled. I expect a few more dramas in year 8 but hoping they find their feet now and get the message/used to each others personalities!

Just to update she did end up breaking down in school (with a teacher) and to me after school as it all got too much for her. I’m still not intervening with parents etc just reiterated to her this isn’t you this is XXX issue. I don’t think she likes it that much that my D is now saying (as she has come round and started talking) that she’s been upset by it and needs some time - moved back to another girl they went to primary school with (bit of a stirrer this one likes playing them off 🙄) even walking on her own which would have upset me normally but I’m comforting and saying you do you!

This is why I always advise parents not to send their DC to a school just because their friends are going, it can cause more drama etc.
The first term, and indeed the whole of Yr 7, can be tumultuous as the kids panic to find friends but then realise they don't actually like those people so the cycle starts again. It's a steep learning curve.

My DD also ended up walking on her own and made friends with DC who had come from other primaries, so loved nowhere near us. I didn’t like the idea of her walking in her own but stressed to her that you don’t have to talk to people who are being mean, look for the friends who make you feel good and she did end up with sone really lovely friends, just took a little while to sort itself out. And the ones who were mean and attention seeking in Primary and Y7 are still the same now they’ve all left school.

Very stressed and emotional mum here....I know that year 7 friendships are likely to be a challenge, so wasn't thinking it would all be a bed of roses, but I had no clue it would be this hard! My daughter is/was in a tight group of 4 and only one of the girls wasn't from the same primary school. It seems two of the girls want my DD out of the group and it's the two that she's known since she was 5. They are being so hurtful and so awful with things they are saying and it feels like this has literally happened over night. My daughter has no clue what she's done wrong. Does this stuff happen all the time?? She's devasted (as are we) and I'm not sure how's best to support her. Thanks for reading x