Weaning before ready to ttc

[ConflictedMamma]

I'm 40 years old and have a wonderful sweet 17 month old conceived via IVF. I always wanted 2 children so made sure before I transferred that I had 3 pgta embryos frozen to try for a sibling. I always thought soon after my baby turned one that I'd look to transfer another but now the time is here I'm really struggling to feel ready.

I have to wean my baby off the breast (required by ivf clinic) which is so hard and I feel so guilty for doing it before she's ready. I've been pumping daily for months on top of breastfeeding her to build up a freezer stash for when we stop to try and alleviate some guilt but I'm so sad to lose our special feeding bond and the thought of never breastfeeding her again makes me well up.

I also feel super guilty that if the first transfer works there'll only be 2 years 4/5 months between the babies and worry I'm taking away some of my daughter's babyhood and she'll have to share me earlier than I'd like when she's still only a baby herself.

On the flip side, if these embryo's don't work, the longer I push back a transfer, the older I'll be for another egg collection (41) and less chance of success and I really want a second child

Not quite sure what I'm looking for by posting here, I've always lurked in these forums but this is my first post. Guess I'm hoping for some support and advice. I feel so sad and guilty to take things away from my baby girl for another child who may or may not be conceived.

Hello,

Firstly, be a bit wary of posting about breastfeeding a 17 month old - there are some on here, as there are in the world, who will accuse you of being gross, of it being your choice not your child's and all the usual disgusting stuff - I only mention this so you can brace yourself and ignore any unpleasant comments!

I don't have any experience of IVF or multiple children however I breastfed till my son was nearly 3 and stopped for my own health. He was a lot older so we could discuss things but it was still hard because he wasn't ready and it made me really sad. Can you take it in stages? You aren't stealing your daughter's childhood at all. You are potentially giving her a sibling and friend for life. Even if it does take you will have another year where it is just the two of you and lots of children enjoy when the youngsters come along as they get to help and support. Maybe take some time to read some books about preparing your eldest and the transition for them. Make sure when baby arrives you still get one on one time together - possibly hard if you're exclusively breastfeeding, but that will be the most important thing. Include her in the things you can. Remember lots of people have multiple children and providing their parents are loving, eldest children are often okay.

Sorry if that isn't much help, I just didn't want to say nothing! Good luck. xx

2 years is a very normal age gap. There’s 2 years 4 months between mine and it was great as they started playing together quite early, when no 2 was about 1. They’re now at the same uni (not planned, Ds got in through clearing) and they’ll happily meet for coffee/Ds will give dd a lift somewhere as he has a car! We go to a small church and they socialise together with another group of siblings, which is lovely. I would definitely recommend the age gap!

I think weaning can be difficult any time, but I can’t really comment on that as both mine were weaned before six months, when I went back to work.

*actually there’s 2 years 2.5 months between mine 🤣 Two of my siblings have two kids with a similar age gap too.

2-3years is a perfectly normal age gap between siblings. You're not taking anything away from her 'babyhood' breastfed or not, she'll change so much in the next year.

personally, if you want another, I don't think you should waste anymore time naval gazing about ' not being ready YET'

shes had a good long stint at b/f it'll do her no harm to now go onto another form of milk.

i understand, for you, it feels sad to stop the closeness of bf, but you'll stop at some stage. Just cuddle up with a book & read to her.

how much do you want another baby?!

At 17 months they are still young but they will change so much in the next few months. I found that by 2 mine were mostly breastfeeding for comfort and to sleep so it was much easier to slowly wean them off. When I had to leave DC1 for a couple of nights at 2yo I was so worried but they were absolutely fine. Maybe start to slowly wean now and reevaluate in a few months time? (Also at this age I don’t think I would bother with the freezer stash.)

Thanks everyone for your responses.

@crazycrofter that's good to hear - I think I've been scrolling these boards too much and seen many people with a 2.5 year gap say they'd wished they'd waited until their child was at least 3 so they could understand a bit more so that worries me a little.

@AutumnCosy2025 I want another baby sooooo soooo much but guess I'm just wishing I was a bit younger so I could enjoy this one on her own for that bit longer and breastfeed her that bit longer.

@Dal8257 I would love to reasses in a few months but at my age I'm worried it's not a luxury I have. I have been weaning her slowly as I really didn't want to yank it away from her cold turkey. We're down to one breastfeed a day (and one expressed feed). I'm just so sad to drop that last one and my heart breaks when she points and asks for it. I guess I'm carrying on with the freezer stash as seeing the expressed bags get her excited too though I do understand at this age the breastfeeding is often more about comfort/bonding rather than nutrition which won't come from expressed milk (though arguably maybe the familiar taste provides some comfort)

@YasminCameInHot sorry to hear you had to stop breastfeeding before you were ready but well done for feeding for so long and thank you so much for the other kind words too

Sorry to hear that you're having to make this difficult choice OP. I can't really offer any practical advice but just wanted to say that breastfeeding to 17 months is great and you've done a brilliant job so try not to feel guilty. I know that's easier said than done, but honestly you should be proud of yourself. And I'm in awe of anyone who can express enough to build up a freezer stash. I breastfeed for over a decade in total across my DC and I never got the hang of expressing. You're a star!
Having another baby will bring a lot to the whole family including your DD and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that age gap, I'd say it's pretty normal. There's only 2 years 2 months between my youngest two children and it's never been a problem and I don't think anyone ever made any negative comments.
I suspect you're going through the normal emotions that probably most of us do when we have a second baby. I think it's very common to worry about the effects on the first baby when the second one is still not here. I remember having the same kind of worries when I was pregnant second time and my Mum telling me that babies all bring their own love with them - you don't have to share. She was right! You do have to share time to some degree of course but honestly you will get used to it and so will your DD. There will be lots of benefits to her of having a sibling I'm sure. On top of those worries you've got the upset about stopping breastfeeding sooner than you wanted to, time pressures due to your age, and I can't imagine that you're much looking forward to the actual mechanics of going through IVF again either. It's no wonder that you're feeling a bit stressed by it all. But try and concentrate on the positives if you can.
The only practical thing I can think of is could you start mixing your expressed milk with small amounts of cows' milk (or whatever other milk you're planning to use) so that the taste change is more gradual? Then by the time your freezer stash is all gone your DD will be used to the new flavour and it might be less of a shock than it just being gone one day?

Obviously this is all completely up to you but given your age I'd just get on with trying to conceive. A few years is a great age gap. And a sibling is a much better gift than a few extra months of breastfeeding.
Having weaned a few of my own I can tell you it'll be bittersweet whenever you do it.

@ConflictedMamma

Iwant another baby sooooo soooo much but guess I'm just wishing I was a bit younger so I could enjoy this one on her own for that bit longer and breastfeed her that bit longer

Yeah, I totally understand that. My point was to TRY to make you see that you risk not having another one by delaying. I wish I was younger too & wish I had done some things differently, accepted things come to an end & moved forward sooner. I can't be an example🙇🏻‍♀️ so I TRY to be a lesson 😂

I can so understand how you felt but as others have said, two years is a normal gap and if things were working out differently for you, this is roughly the gap Mother Nature gives you,

Could you start with some gentle night weaning before you start cutting down on daytime feeds?

Don’t forget too that the BFCs on the BFing Helplines can not only help tou to come up with a plan to stop but also talk you through how you’re feeling.

Having come out the other side of having babies around your age and now have teens, my advice woukd be to crack on though

Thank you @MrsAvocet for such a lovely response. Breastfeeding for over a decade - you are the star! That's amazing! Interesting what you said about this being a normal emotion when having a second baby, that hadn't even occurred to me but actually thinking about it, it does make sense, I'm loving this time right now and being able to give my baby so much attention. Re. the breastmilk, I have started mixing cows milk with the expressed milk, just 10-15ml right now but intend to increase the ratio as I go along. I think if I keep mixing the two, my current stash should hopefully last until she's two which I'll be pleased with. And you are completely correct with not looking forward to IVF either, I felt so much more prepared the first time around as I didn't have a baby to look after!

@dairydebris thanks for the comment - I know that's definitely the logical answer here just hard to think only with head and not with heart when you're in the thick of it. I'm sorry if you had a hard time weaning too...it is so sad knowing it'll be the last time you nurse you're child.

@AutumnCosy2025 I do understand that risk and if I take my emotions out of it, it does definitely make sense to get on with ttc, just hard to not think of what I'm losing (though I do understand that I have much more to potentially gain with a second child vs what I'll lose by stopping breastfeeding).

Sorry, just have to reassure you I didn't have a hard time weaning mine. One of them was weaned in order to get on with ttc. I was intentional about the last few feeds to try to soak up the memory, but it wasn't hard. Its bittersweet, like all the milestones as they grow up and away from you. Proud, happy, a little bit heartbreaking. Emotional.