My 14 year old daughter is intentionally gaining weight to impress boys

[TheUsernameOfMine]

I know this may not be the best place to ask because I don't know if this happens in the UK. In America, my 14 year old daughter and her best friend are intentionally gaining weight to impress boys. My daughter alleges that there are other girls at her high school who do this.

I'm obese and I have struggled with my weight since college. At 14, I'm not sure my daughter understands the risk she is taking. I don't think she understands how hard it is to lose weight. I'm also concerned she's willing to change her body to impress boys.

I'm not what to do. It's her body. It's her life. I fear that I could cause insecurities if I try to stop her. I'm feeling very confused.

I’ve never heard of this. My dd is 14 and talks about the fact her friends are all skinnier than her, which they are. Dd plays a sport at a high level which includes weight training so she’s very lean but muscly. Being skinny is still ‘on trend’ where I am.

Do you think it’s really about her body, or more about wanting to have curves — like boobs or a butt?

I remember when I was 14 and super skinny — I got teased a lot for not having boobs, and that really stuck with me. Maybe it’s something like that for her too.

The main thing is, she should never feel like she has to change her body to make others happy. What matters most is being healthy and feeling good in her own skin.

Honestly, all those social media trends that glorify big butts and boobs can really mess with how teens see themselves. Maybe it would help to take a little break from social media for a while...

I have never heard thick in this context before.

I would have a look at what she's consuming online. Does she have any apps which deliver algorithmically-chosen content, like tiktok or instagram? Does she use youtube at all? Have a quick flick through her feeds and see what kind of thing she is getting served up. I expect it will shock you.

The algorithms are truly deranged because they are tuned to deliver whatever gets people to either keep watching as long as possible, or interact with a post. This means that inadvertantly, they prioritise content which is likely to trigger mental "loops" or thinking patterns which mimic mental illness such as OCD or addiction, since the behaviours associated with these thinking patterns result in more obsessive, compulsive use (meaning more frequent and longer).

I don't believe that the companies behind this are rubbing their hands together with glee at the thought of teenagers developing OCD-like behaviours, but like cigarette manufacturers who know their product is addictive, they like the results of this - the fact they keep coming back and spending more and more time on the site - and they simply don't care about the negative effects on the app user's mental and/or physical health.

Another person here who is unfamiliar with the term thick to describe body shape. In my world, a thick girl is one who is not terribly bright.

It sounds like the beginning of disordered eating to me.

woo! I’m finally in fashion. It’s a shame I’m 56 and married!

Are you in the US? You mention 10th grade.

I have heard of the term ‘thick’ in the UK. I think some women like to get the big bum very curvy look through working out. The Kim Kardashian look.

I have never heard of young people deliberately just getting overweight for attention though. At my dc’s college and uni where there are thousands of young women I would say most are slim and into the baggy clothes fashion. Some are obviously bigger but the trend seems to be going back to slim. Maybe it’s the media with the images of people having lost a lot of weight and 1 in 20
adults on weight loss injections.

Take her to the doctors so they can explain the medical issues she may cause.

Unless you have the "right curves" in the "right places", gaining weight to become "thick" will just make you look fat. Even those with the "right curves" are still technically fat while being called "thick". They just have the desired shape to go with it.

Ask her if she wants to be fat or have curves? Fat, she can do by overeating and gaining all the health issues that come with it. "Thick" will be next to impossible without some form of specific exercises and/or surgery. Her body is too young to know if she can achieve this naturally. She shouldn't think those women she sees online or in the media got theirs just by gaining weight. Most went under the knife.

She's 14 and too young to be doing all of this. You'll need to have a serious talk with her and guide her better and not just say it's her life. Not at this point yet.

Yes, I was the same and was hassled by boys for having flat boobs. Horrible little boys that they were as well. I tried to make myself put on weight by eating raw eggs and milk (boke!) . It didn't work. I did end up with big boobs after having children years later and now I don't give a shite how I look! I feel so bad that years later, young girls are still pressured into feeling bad about their looks in this way! We are either not big enough or too big - it's really sad. She should be enjoying her life ! Such a shame .

If she’s 165lbs at 5 foot nine, she’s not overweight she’s in the healthy range as far as UK is concerned

If she is trying to add boob and butt - Kim Kardashian style. She should know that's not body fat. That is tiny weeny skinny women with implants and fillers. I've seen KK irl and she's no more than 7 stone.
Just using her as an example...

Wanting to gain too much weigh is as problematic as wanting to loose too much weight in children and teens.

Read OP"s second sentence.

I think "thick" to mean fat (or bigger?) is used in African American vernaculr and that culturally, a body shape veering towards overweight is fashionable. Would that be what this is OP?

I agree. Skinny isn't fashionable among young people any more, and hasn't been for a while

There have always been trends for different body shapes and sizes.

But changing your body for the male gaze sucks.

Thick isn't necessarily overweight or fat. Just thicker in the legs and backside (preferably with bigger boobs too).

You can't gain weight intentionally. You can only eat unhealthily intentionally.

Your body will try and keep your weight at a healthy equilibrium, unless you have genetic factors.

What a weird generalisation.
There may be a trend within certain cohorts of younger people to have larger buttocks and what have you, and I would agree that having a healthy, strong body rather than a dainty, fragile one is widely accepted, but I'm pretty sure teenagers are as hung up about being skinny as they always have been.

How young people feel about their body isn't always tied up with the fashion of the moment.

Yep - Beyoncé vs Kate Moss. Not Lizzo.

And hips too. It's about having the hourglass or pear shape from the front and bigger bum from sideview.

A friend of mine did try to gain weight at that age she thought she was too slim and she was quite slight. She then got too heavy (in her eyes) and spent years trying to lose weight again. I would be concerned that it is the start of a body image problem that may result in an eating disorder.

She needs zero access to the internet until she leaves home and to be put in therapy immediately

Having just toured many universities here with my son I would say the 'thic' trend has been and gone here. Nearly all the girls were traditionally slim (not skinny) and I saw surprisingly few actually overweight or even larger girls.

I think its very dangerous for her to be doing this at 14 bevaue, as we now know as mature women, it is very hard to shift that extra fat later if fashions change in the US too. There is clearly a genetic element here as well to have that thic, curvy, hourglass figure and if you are naturally slim you aren't going to be able to pull it off, she will just end up looking overweight/obese. Same as I could never be tall and willowy with small breasts which I would have loved as a teenager!

I think you need to sit her down and explain all this to her. Being toned, fit and slim will always be desirable to many boys. And those 16y old boys into the thic trend will grow out of it too. Nobody actually wants an obese partner in the end (which is where thic ends up).

I do remember this from being 14 or 15 though. All the girls were starving themselves to get the 'thigh gap' we were all supposed to have. Never stopped me getting boyfriends that I didnt have one. Work on her self esteem and your worries due to your ED history and keep is calm and light would be my advice. But the thic thing if youre not naturally curvaceous genetically is unattainable imo.

sorry insee you say 'struggled with weight' not that you had an ED