Maternity leave

[nicki90]

I am a first time mum of a 7 month old and I am not enjoying maternity leave. I had all these plans before our baby was born (he was planned) but since having him, I feel so anxious and hate going for walks by myself. I always want to be around other people. I go to a baby class once a week which I enjoy but apart from that I rarely go out without other people. Is this normal?

Have you spoken to anyone about this? You need to speak up now, before this anxiety gets worse.

I tried to go to a baby activity every - council playgroup, church playgroup, library thing, meet with another friend/mum - every single day. It kept me sane.

What are you anxious about? As in what are you worried will happen? Have you had any help for anxiety?

Why are you only going to baby group once a week if you prefer to be around other people? This isn't a criticism at all, just a question. When my boy was in his first year our normal week was

• Monday am breastfeeding group (children's centre 20 mins walk away)
• Tuesday am Parents and Tots group at our church
• Thursday am Parents and Tots group at the other children's centre 5 mins walk away
• something with one or two friends from pre kids with babies of a similar age

Obviously there's no pressure to do loads of things, but just not sure why you don't if you prefer being with other people.

It's not a holiday, it's not about "enjoyment". The government wouldn't provide a 12 month mat leave at an enormous expense to employers unless it was necessary. Your baby needs you and it's hard work. Most women find it to be a difficult time. Instagram is a big fat lie.

I forced myself to a baby activity or group every morning. It helped a lot. Being alone 7am -6pm with a baby is extremely dull and difficult, of course. You can't just spend your day staring at your baby.

feeling anxious post partem is common but knowing that doesn't make it easier when you are in the middle of it and it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Recognising it and asking for help is a great start, have you spoken to your health visitor? Could you go into a baby clinic and have a chat? Is there something specific you are worrying about? Could you start with something small like walking around the block with a friend or a playgroup? Becoming a parent is a huge physical and physiological change and we all experience it differently so don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel!

I would look for a few more activities to do with your baby. We have free singing sessions in libraries, cheap mother and toddler groups in church halls and more expensive classes - swimming, gymnastics, music, baby yoga. You might meet other mums that you can arrange to go for coffee or a walk. Looking after a baby can be very isolating but you need to look after your physical and emotional health. Do you have family or friends nearby?

The more you get out the better it’ll be.

Our baby is 6 months we’re currently travelling around Europe for 2 months. We’ve met loads of others doing the same

My baby is 9 months old and I haven’t been to a single class or whatever. We leave the house a couple of times a week for a walk but the weather has been dire and it’s too much hassle. We’re fine pottering at home and going out at the weekend when DP is around. I like it though, the forced yaya stuff does my head in and it’s all in the morning slot when baby likes to nap!

I always felt like the baby stage is more enjoyable when your an introvert, then the toddler stage is more enjoyable when your more an extrovert. I absolutely loved the baby stage, pottering around at home, going for a walk, watching telly. Now in the midst on the toddler stage and I find it exhausting! Whereas my sister is total opposite, finds the baby stage boring and can’t wait for the toddler stage when they start mixing more with other kids and doing activities

I went back to work part time at 5 months. I enjoy my days with the baby much more when it's not every day! DH takes him one day and he's in day care 2 days. Nursery are great, they teach me & DS different ways of doing things because they've seen a lot more babies, and I get a couple of days where I don't have to be responsible and can drink coffee with other adults in peace.

I also went to an activity every day in the morning. Your local library should have a list of what’s available locally.

If you’re finding that the anxiety you’re experiencing is limiting your life, have you spoken to your HV or the Pandas Foundation?

And would going back to work be an option if you’re really not enjoying your Mat Leave?

My lifeline for my first baby was Peanut app. I met lots of other mums for a coffee and a few became amazing friends. I even invited them to my wedding!
im still friends with them now my child is at school.
i did tend to do a church group or class 3-4 times during the week: one day properly at home. Saw family at the weekend

Have you heard of post partum anxiety? It sounds like you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling.

I made an effort with both of my children to get out to do something every day. I now help run a local toddler group. We have a regular group of mums that come but always welcome new people. Have you looked to see what is running in your area?

It’s more common than people think. People who didn’t go through the same thing wouldn’t necessarily understand but everyone is different. You’ve been through a lot of changes and need to be kind to yourself. If you enjoy that class, then definitely continue going and maybe build up from there. There might be other activities you would enjoy but there’s no pressure at all. Maybe story time at the library where other people are present but you’re not obliged to interact with them.

The isolation with a small baby is very hard on extraverts, I understand what you mean. I felt very anxious too. I bought a calendar and tried to fill each working day with a plan - baby groups + playdates with other Mums with tiny babies. That helped a lot. I met people through local Facebook groups. If nobody was free, I planned an outing with my baby that involved a "baby friendly" café somewhere or a walk in a busy place around other people. Gradually the anxiety subsided as I met more and more people and as my son grew older and started interacting with other kids. With my second baby, it was fine, because I already had a busy social life through my older child. Make an effort to socialize, it'll help.

Maternity Leave is tough. You need more than just a once-a-week group. Try to find something every day that gets you and your baby out of the house and among other people. I can no longer remember all the details but I had a weekly singing group, a baby "gym" group that was basically not much different from soft-play, a bring-a-baby keep-fit group and a library storytime. It doesn't have to be something that takes long but it gives structure to your day and you need that human contact. You are not alone - the people you share these groups with will also be struggling (some may keep quiet about their struggles, others may hide behind unrealistic boasts about how well they are doing) and going to the groups doesn't resolve those struggles bit it helps.

Some people love maternity leave and some hate it. If you hate maternity leave, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum, you don’t love your child, it just means you don’t like maternity leave.

I hated maternity leave. I’m an introvert but found it very isolating. I went to a baby class a week to had some routine but I hated them. I couldn’t bear to go to more, even though the routine would have probably helped.

What helped me was going back to work. I didn’t wait for a year, you don’t need a year but it’s there for people who can afford it and for people who aren’t ready to go back yet. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad if you don’t take a year/13 months, the last 3 months are unpaid anyway but you matter too and if going back is going to be better for you, that’s OK.