Are We Putting Too Much Pressure on Kids to Have “Big Feelings”?

[CareerJuggler]

I’ve noticed lately that schools and TV shows are constantly talking about “big feelings” — helping children name their emotions, talk through them, draw them, etc. It’s all meant to build emotional intelligence, which sounds great in theory. But I’m starting to wonder if we’ve gone too far with it.
My daughter’s in Year 2, and while I love that she’s encouraged to express herself, sometimes it feels like every tiny frustration becomes a major emotional event. If she drops a crayon, she’ll stop to talk about how “that made me feel sad inside.” It’s sweet, but also exhausting. And when I try to move on or tell her it’s not a big deal, she tells me I’m “not validating her feelings” — which she’s clearly picked up from school!
I totally support teaching empathy and emotional awareness, but I do wonder whether we’re accidentally encouraging children to overanalyse every emotion instead of just coping and moving forward. When I was a kid, we were told to shake it off and carry on — maybe not perfect, but it built resilience.
So I’m curious — do you think this modern focus on “big feelings” is genuinely helping our kids, or are we creating a generation that’s too focused on every passing mood? How do you strike the balance between emotional openness and emotional resilience in your own family?

Don't see the issue with your example, they have been given the language for feelings and they try it out.
Could apply to anything, my 3 year old was "helping" with the weeding the vegetable patch in the summer, but he actually copied me but pulled up a carrot or something.
But I don't think I went too far letting him help, I'm sure he will get it in due course.
Same goes for hanging washing (he wants to take it down as soon as it's hung up) toilet training (he likes to get on and off, but not actually do anything), etc etc

Did you write this using AI? I'm having Big Feelings about that.

I think it is good for kids to recognise that they are having big feelings, acknowledge and name them. What is the problem is when they feel their feelings take precedence over everything and everybody else

Much better than never saying anything is wrong and trying to guess what’s up. My mother and brother (as wonderful as they are) are the champions at this!!

I really like it when my child comes up to me and tells me they’re sad. Not because I want to see them sad, but because they explain why and I can help them through it. So much better than a tantrum!!

I fully agree with you. My daughter does the same thing and I do not think it is helpful to over anaylse every little thing. It teaches the pathologising of normal human emotions and leads to dangerous introspection.

OP, isn't it possible this is just your daughter? Your example suggests she hasn't grasped that dropping a crayon isn't an occasion for any kind of Big Feeling, or indeed any particular feeling at all. Maybe it's worth talking to her about the difference between Big Feelings and 'Oh, I'd better pick that up'.

I think it is helpful to a point. However I also think it is pitched at kids who struggle with emotional regulation and I've sometimes had to remind my own DC that they don't fall into that category

Oh, for goodness sake - as a society we now spend far too much time navel-gazing and analysing our own feelings. We don't need more labels adding to different emotions. Just let children feel whatever they feel, without having to put it into a neat box with a label on it.

I agree. It seems to be taking therapy language into primary school. And no, not all feelings are valid, not if they are based on completely irrational thoughts.

It's ridiculous all this stuff they do now. Theres nothing wrong writh learning sef controll, and when it is approproate to express feelings. Always making a big deal out of "feelings" is exhausting and pointless. Per your example - WTF is droping a crayon making you feel sad, and mroe to the point, why does it need validating - christ alive - its like we are creating a generation who will spend their lives seeking vcalidation for everything - which as we all know can quite often lead to bad places.

christ - this is also why i'm not schooling my kids over here.

This, life isn’t a walk in the park; sometimes it’s tough so reflect and move on. It is a waste of energy to over analyse and sometimes causes more problems than it’s solves.

Wtf is "big feelings" is it any different to normal feelings? 😂I fear for our future.😱

Yeah but what's the difference between "normal" feelings and "big feelings" 🤔 utter nonsense.
Its good kids can recognise how they are feeling but it just makes me cringe inside.

Naming an emotion you are feeling is the fastest way to not feeling it any more - it's an evidence based approach and been brought into education for a reason. Your daughter is practicing a valuable life skill, it's not about dropping the pencil today, it's about being able to talk about emotions in the future when life events are going to be much, much, bigger than dropping a pencil.
It is a surefire way to build actual, healthy resilience.

Not every feeling is a “big” feeling and not every feeling needs validated. Much better to teach kids to cope with minor disappointments and frustrations than over analyse every single thing.

Do they get taught about small feelings as well, or minor annoyances? Those are a lot more common. I’d love it if little kids were going “how irksome” as they dropped a crayon, “I’m feeling irked”.

YANBU. It's good for kids to be able to articulate their feelings but there are definitely a lot of little kids who now think every fleeting emotion has to be articulated and analysed in a way that's completely disproportionate.

See also teenagers who think that they 'suffer from anxiety' because they're nervous before an exam or apprehensive about trying something new. They've been taught about mental health (which is a good thing) but haven't been taught the difference between normal human feelings and mental illness. Educating kids about mental health and mental illness is important, but it needs to be a lot better executed than it currently seems to be.

I think there is definitely a difference between when you have a superficial niggling feeling and a big, overwhelming feeling. Understanding the difference allows you to comprehend why you can't get out of your own head at times and do what is right or best..