Advice on DD and where she poops!

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Hi,

Bit of a weird one but we are literally at our wits end with this one on what to do! Here's some context -

DD is potty trained (as far as going for a wee). She is perfect, will tell us everytime she needs to go and has no accidents. Its been like this since she was 18 months and she is now fast approaching 3. We even have her dry at night now and I couldn't be more proud!

However, when it comes to poop...she just won't use the toilet, or potty. She goes in her pants every single time without fail. She knows she needs to go, asks to go to the toilet, then physically restrains herself, kicks off screaming and shouting and crying until she is taken off. Then secretly runs off to a corner then poops herself. Tonight as an example, I took her 4 times before her bath tonight, she got out of the bath twice because she said she needed to go, she went 3 times while she was supposed to be trying to sleep and then when I swapped with OH he swears she was sleeping, but we think she faked sleeping to get up, poop herself then come through and tell us.

Her favourite place is under the table or behind the washing line if it's up. She will beg me to take her off the toilet even though she really does have to go. There's clearly no toilet fear as she will wee there.

I have talked to her endlessly about it, I have shown her with her toys and even got some home made fake poop to pretend its the toy to show her. I have been cross with her about it, I have ignored it, I have on the odd occasion managed to catch her and put her on there and she has gone and I have praised the life out of it like a poop party celebration when she has gone on the toilet when I've caught her! I've tried a sticker chart, I've tried books, i have tried putting the potty under the table to just get it in the potty as a starting point, I've tried going myself to show her. She always says she understands and she will do it but nope, not yet.

She is a clever little girl and I am so proud of her. But someone please please please tell me you had this and how you managed to convince your child the toilet is so much better than pants! Is this just a long 18month phase that will go or am I really going to be sending my child to school still pooping herself? (Its a massive fear of mine, I don't want her to be THAT kid).

Any help, tips or tricks greatly recieved and I will absolutely be trying them regardless! We are in the process of TTC #2 and I'd like to get this sorted before we have another!

Thanks in advance!

Some children are ok to wee on the toilet or potty, but are frightened to poo,it’s not at all unusual. One of our 3 just couldn’t let go on the loo, so we bought a pack of the cheapest nappies and let him put them on when he needed to go - he was able to tell us in time. I think we did that for a month or so, without making a fuss, and eventually the whole thing became less of a big deal, he was able to relax, and use the loo. He was a tall, sturdy child and was really a bit big to be using the potty. If your child is small and slight, it might take longer for them to feel safe using the toilet and the pot might be a longer interim step.

Does she have a step to rest her feet on when she uses the toilet? Does she use a toddler seat, or perch on the adult seat? Could she perhaps feel unstable on the toilet? Could the drop and splash bother her? Would she feel safer pooing into a lined potty? Have you tried bribery? A Smartie every time she poos in an appropriate place, for example. No other sweets or chocolate while sorting this out, but not telling her that.

Take her pants off.

Loose fitting joggers so there is nothing hugging her bum.

Get her to blow bubbles while she's sitting on the loo (helps things relax).

If she carries on and just poos in her trousers (unlikely) I would say your best bet is as pp suggests and get her used to asking for a nappy and going into the bathroom to poo into it as a midway step (and a break from constantly cleaning up poo!).

I agree that offering her a nappy might at least prevent poo in her pants and introduce a ritual of 'when you feel you need to go, you put a nappy on and then poo' to start getting her to poo somewhere other then regular pants. Then work up to wearing a nappy but on the potty, wearing a nappy but in the bathroom, etc.

Many people swear by Poo goes to Pooland, so give that a try if you haven't already.

Have you ruled out any physical cause - does she have a step for example, so her feet don't go numb?

Thank you all for your replies! I really appreciate it.

@DelphiniumBlue that's a great suggestion, I will give that a go today. She is quite big for her age so she uses the toilet all the time. The potty was just offered because she really loved it - it was shaped like a miniature toilet and was pink so I offered it in hope she would try.

@Aparecium yes she does have some steps and yes she does have a toddler seat. The thing is though she will happily go for a wee when we are out shopping etc. Without steps or her seat, just straight on the toilet holding my hand no problems. When I have caught her the drop and splash makes her smile! We have tried bribes but not sweet bribes, so I will with hold all sweet treats specifically for poop time!

@NuffSaidSam she does love bubbles! I will give that one a go for sure to help her relax, maybe take her mind off of what's going on. I'll try the loose trousers, I've always had something there to "catch it" so ill give it a go! I'll stick the hot water on because I reckon that will be a messy attempt to begin with but definately worth a try.

@DysmalRadius I've not heard of that book, there's so many poop books on offer remarkably! I'll look later to buy it. I will be trying the above and yes, she does have a step and seat. We also let her take a toy or book.

I really don't think it's a fear of the toilet, just pooping. I've done my best to make it a happy time, she loves music so I play music when we go but nope. But, loose fitting trousers, offer a nappy, new poop book and a bribe are all things we will be trying out for the next few weeks. Thank you all for your suggestions.

Try and have a relaxed conversation about if she has ever had a ‘painful poo.’ When my DD was potty training she would have bouts of constipation (white bread especially) and the pain when pushing out an oversized stool would make her terrified of pooing on the toilet or admitting she needed a poo. A big stool can also cause small tears.

As an experiment try increasing fruit, veg, water. Use some sudocrem on her bum hole (tmi sorry) just to make sure there is no irritation down there. Go back to reading all the classic potty books with her. Potty Superstar etc

I saw a thing from an American paediatrician on Reels which talked about similar. Apparently for some kids it's the sitting down to poo that they find hard (the straining technique is slightly different), could that be it? Does she always stand when she poos in the corner?

@Spookyspaghetti it may be that, she has gone off veg but I always counter it with extra fruit. She loves prunes too so if I see broccoli and greens pushed to the side our come the prunes, strawberries, blueberries etc. That's a really great idea though, maybe it has hurt at some point and it's a fear of it hurting again. Me and her will have a little chat about it later.

@MaJoady when she does poop on the toilet she almost folds herself in half leaning forwards! When she does it elsewhere she gets on her knees and folds herself over too.

There's been no signs of poop today so far so I haven't been able to try my new techniques but thank you all so much for your input it's made me feel less useless in helping her achieve this and a bit more confident this can and will happen!

Maybe if she’s leaning forward she needs her knees higher a la ‘squatty potty’ could you put something on her step to lift her knees and help things along?

Incase you’ve never seen it (promise it’s funny not gross)

@FairyBatman 😂 I saw that years ago and laughed my self to tears! But honestly, now looking at it maybe that's what I need for her, a foot pooping pillow to be like the unicorn that shits rainbows!
Made me laugh so much watching it, DD too! Thanks!

My DD would only poo in nappies, and would withhold to the point of quite bad constipation if she didn’t have one. She’d wee on the loo with no probs. We started by give by her a nappy and getting her into the bathroom to poo, then when that was consistent sitting on the loo in a nappy to poo, then when that was consistent we cut a hole in the nappy, which got bigger each time until she just stopped. It was an approach recommended by the health visitor and maybe ERIC I think? Anyway, it worked within a week - might be worth a try but with pants for your DD?

We did have this with DD2 for a while but not for as long as you have. She was dry during the day but was still in a pull-up at night and she would wait until she had her pull-up on to poop. She was also 3 and so was I was confident she understood.
We ended up solving it by spending about a week naked from the waist down while consuming more fruit than you can believe. It helped that dried apricots were her favourite. I spent a week or so no more than a foot away from her, with a potty to hand. At one point I remember picking up a poo and putting it in the potty with a big, jolly “and now its in the right place”. I was a maniac. But it did work.
We did have to decide to stop with the night nappies at the same time but she was usually dry and it seemed worth a go. We traded out pyjamas for some ghastly Disney Princess nightdress to eliminate any possibility of the pyjama bottom option.