10 year old, 13 year old, and15 year old stepdaughters keep body shaming each other ?

[stepmamaneedsadvice]

I've know these girls for 2 years but didn't know this about them until a few months ago. I'm a thin woman and my husband is thin. All his daughters are on the heavier side.

Since getting married and living with them, I've noticed that it's a routine occurrence for there to be an exchange of body shaming between 2 or all of the girls. Every time I tell my husband, he says he will tell their mom to talk to them. But it still continues.

Just yesterday, the 3 of them were it again. The 13 year old and 15 year old actually ended up crying while the 10 year old was laughing at them. I tried to parent and I told the 3 of them that they are horrible to each other. I told them to apologize but neither of them did.

Today, my husband again, refuses to talk to them as he said weight is a very sensitive topic for girls. It would be an awkward conversation for me to talk to their mom, one-on-one. I'm not sure what to do.

This happens in my home too. I think I’m going to sit them down for a serious chat and discuss house rules that we do not discuss people’s size and they we are all shapes and sizes for a variety of different reasons. If I hear it happening there will be serious consequences (not sure what they will be).

People and kids in particular have been taking the piss out of each other since people and kids were invented.

'body shaming' you might call it. Being unkind, being rude, taking the piss, bullying, whatever you call it.

What do you think will change it, what consequences are in place, or sanctions. What solution do the girls actually want.

You dont have any authority I wouldnt have thought to do or say anything anwyay.

I wasn't expecting anyone to say it happens in their home too.

Is this comment ?

Couple issues
Avoidance - your husband,their dad cannot just opt out of difficult conversations and delegate it as women’s talk
Legitimacy & Authority - You can should talk to them about their behaviour, impact upon other other. You too are being avoidant and as a result you don’t have gravitas with them. They don’t respect you and that’s why they’re not listening
You and your husband need to be a team, no splitting, parent consistently and not delegate tasks you find uncomfortable to their mum

It doesn't feel like "taking the piss." They get really mean with each other. The middle child had ended up crying a few times.

So,what are you going to do? What’s the plan

I don't know yet. But I feel like I have to do something. This behavior would likely get worse and they end up hating each other.

Ok. So the dad, he cannot maintain the it’s women’s stuff yadda yadda avoidance
the dynamics are terse, he’s avoidant, you both need to agree a strategy
i will emphasise praise when they get stuff right, too often focus is on what’s going wrong and inadvertently praise for what they get right is omitted
your husband is being a dick, get him told be get involved and be a responsible parent. He can’t pick & chose what he’ll do and won’t do

Maybe you were right that we do need therapy.

Between my husband and his ex-wife, on most issues, they try to give equal attention from the 2 parents. But for some issues, they give 1 parent sole control. This is one of the issues the mom has sole control on but it's still going on.

I don't tolerate body shaming under my roof and I made this very clear to my step children (my own children have never done this, interestingly)

The problem is my lack of authority in the home.

Maybe you could display some positive body affirmations around the house like "Every body is beautiful" or something. And make it clear that body shaming is a form of bullying and won't be tolerated. Maybe ask your DH for a consequence if they bring it up again, and warn them that negative body talk = consequence.

You can still talk to them OP. Look at this way - they have absorbed some harmful societal messages about a woman's value and worth. Why not ask them questions next time - ask them why they think it's ok to say xyz, or why someone's size is something to mock. Ask them to explain it all to you and then maybe gently ask them why it matters? Ask them if they can give an example of any famous men being body shamed. Ask them why is it that women are shamed for something that men aren't. Ask them about women in politics, women who have achieved amazing things - Ask them if they care about THEIR bodies. Get them to really think about it all. Hopefully it'll change the way they treat each other.

It bothers you, and you have rights in your home, so it doesn't matter if this is part of their mum's parenting tasks. This clearly is not fun banter, if one girl starts crying.

Mine picked it up at school. There’s a boy in my youngest class that calls everyone fat. My youngest is very thin but he thinks he’s fat now. I always correct the behaviour but I need to take it further than that.

In terms of it being common - absolutely.

The sad thing is, I’ve never said oh look at that fat person or ever commented on the way someone looks in front of my children or to anyone of that matter because I got no enjoyment out of that sort of negativity so it’s painful to see my children doing it.