Feel like I’m drowning…

[Minnierose11]

I’m a first time mum of a 11month old DS. He was very wanted, and is very very loved. I feel super emotional even writing this post - but I need an outlet and know here, they’ll be lots of other mums. (Being Mumsnet and all!)

But, I’m struggling!!

Up until 9 months, he was the most content, smiley baby boy, very little crying, very little fussing. And then virtually overnight, it’s shifted.
He whinges, he cry’s, he strops and he quite literally does NOT STOP MOVING, ever!!
I feel like everything has become a battle, nappy changes, bottles, feeding, naps, strapping in the buggy, being in the buggy, in a trolley, carrying him and he’s crawling up me, strapping in the car seat, even playing.
No matter what I use to try and entertain him with - he will actively seek out something that shouldn’t or can’t be played with. He’s completely uninterested in any children’s toys - or any household objects I give him to play with.
Hes not yet walking, but cruising around pretty confidently, crawls with ease.

Im off work with him until next year, I took extended maternity leave and if I’m honest, I’m regretful - which breaks my heart to say. But there is ZERO let up from the minute he wakes in the morning, until he’s down to sleep.
I feel so exhausted and touched out - he bites, pulls my hair, slaps me, headbutts me (although I realise most of these aren’t intentional acts - but it’s grating)
I get out most days - because being Home all day is just relentless. I’m parenting on my own from 7am - 5pm as DH is at work.
We have very little help as my parents both work full time and DH parents aren’t around.
My friends all have older children and disappointingly have been pretty radio silence since I became a mum. Very little check ins, seen them less than a handful of times and always at their convenience.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for from this post…
I think I want to hear ‘it gets better’.
Although I fear that might not be the case.

I always knew being a mum would be hard. But this has knocked me sideways.
I feel completely and utterly depleted.
I’ve always said I’ll be a one and done woman, and this has firmly cemented that thought.
My hats off to those of you who have multiples.

Maybe I was never cut out to be a mum…
And I feel like I’m failing him by feeling this way. Like I’m complaining about him…. But I don’t think it is him, I think it’s me.

Big hug.

It does get easier.

It also sounds like a very lonely way of doing it. Mums need other people to share the burden with. Mine were in paid childcare at that age, as we also had no family around. Others have babysitters or parents or neighbours. Doing it by yourself must be bloody exhausting. It's too much of the same. It's got nothing to do with you not being a good mum. I am sure you are loving and lovely.

You need to find a mum group with kids the same age. It’s easier in a herd.

I remember those times as really hard work. My boy crawled and cruised from about 9 months but didn't walk till 15 months and the months in between were so hard. I remember spending time following him from room to room. What saved me were going to playgroups - a change of scene at least - and hanging out with my nct mums. I also went back to work at 1 year and had two days of him in nursery.
I never wanted a second either and didn't change my mind on that, but I swear its way better now. Yesterday we went on a Halloween trail thing and pretended we were being chased by witches. He's 4 now and much more fun.
Hang in there x

Sounds pretty standard. My DS was like that, luckily he started walking properly at 11 months and he was much happier, almost instantly. He literally started laughing as he walked from the living room to the kitchen and then was unstoppable.

It did get harder in ways because HE NEVER STOPPED and things get dangerous FAST but at least I could take him to the park etc. You are then basically chasing them and watching them like a hawk for....years.

Re your friends with older children, maybe they're not great friends but you actually have even less time as the child grows older. Between school and work and homework and playdates, they really don't have that much time and are busy in a different way to you, facing their own difficulties. I find it impossible to meet with friends with small babies as they have all the time in the world in the day time but none in the evenings and weekends.

This is why I never took extended mat leave. Four and five months was more than enough for me. I felt 1000% better back at work. Now 23 and 20 and never a single regret.

It gets sooo much better! My youngest DS was much happier once he started walking confidently. He was easier to tire out then and dropped to one nap a day roughly the same time. Meant I got a two hour break in the middle of the day.
My second has just turned 1 and I'm holding out for him walking well again. He's started to toddle but it's not enough for him and it's frustrating him all day (and night too it's affecting his sleep) he's like a little ball of rage. Food, nappy changes, strapping him in the pushchair, dressing him... All a battle.
Give me a toddler over a baby anyday!!

@Zezetthank you 💕
I think you hit the nail on the head, I am lonely. But I am completely and utterly exhausted - who’d of thought the prospect of returning back to work would actually be appealing!

@peanutbuttertoastyI did attend some groups - but I found them all very clicky. It was mostly filled with mums with ether a relative with them or a friend. So was very little interaction for me and it felt like no different for him to being at home.

@Poodleeatingnoodlei feel like he’s on the cusp of walking! I’m hoping it comes soon - while I know it’ll come with its challenges I feel he’ll be so much happier!
and do you prefer the toddler stage? All everyone keeps saying to me is “wait till he’s a toddler”, “ wait until terrible twos”. And honestly it fills me with dread when I already feel exhausted. But I’m right there with you at the moment, everything is a battle all day. I genuinely wake up in the morning filled with anxiety of what today will bring. I love him so much but he’s become such hard work!

You need to get out to music classes or play groups or soft plays or anything where your little one is distracted by someone other than you. That's the trick at this age! Soon when they can walk playgrounds start working and then its all good.

@Minnierose11
Oh 100% I prefer the toddler stage. They are company and hilarious. My husband works long days too, he's out the house 6am -7pm I find the baby stage so lonely. You just talk to yourself all day and get whinged at a lot. When they walk and talk it's like having a little friend with you. I know it's different for everyone but for me toddlers are fun! Babies are hard work. You can reason with a toddler (sometimes) Read books to them, they are interested in the world and ask questions. You don't have to carry them to every room round the house. They feed themselves. They tell you What's upsetting them. My eldest is 3 and so far the first 14 months were the hardest and it's got more and more enjoyable since. My second is a very different character and I still think the same! Yes just wait... Wait until they come and tell you they love you ❤️

Just chiming in to say the toddler stage is 100% more fun for us! My DD is coming up to 18 months and was a pretty tough customer for the first year of her life! Nowadays though, she is a delight :) she communicates so well, walks confidently, enjoys toys, understands yes and no. I totally feel you though - it's SO hard when you're in the thick of it. As a couple of PPs have said, please see if you can find some local playgroups. 1) you can chat to other mums and feel less lonely 2) safe environment for your baby to blow off some steam xx

THIS!! This is what I’m longing for…. With him being so whingy, whiny and difficult these days, I keep saying to my husband .. I just don’t know what he wants.. he’s fed, slept, clean, entertained has my full attention all day. Yet nothing is making him happy, I wish he could just tell me .. what wrong.
I can’t wait until we can go out and enjoy activities, and him get properly involved and we can chat away etc etc.
Im hoping when I return to work part time next year, I’ll feel a bit lighter, but at the moment it’s so monotonous and draining! Your comment has brought me joy.. hopefully not too much longer and we’ll start to see a shift. I know he’s going to be a crazy toddler, as a baby he seems to have energy for days! But at least we can communicate and he can somewhat entertain himself rather than crawling up me 24/7 😅

His behaviour all sounds quite normal (I’ve got 6 including a 14 month old) Could you opt to go back to work earlier, one of mine was hard was during Covid and the days just seemed so long for both of us with no baby groups on etc and he’d get bored very easily and didn’t even nap. So I went back to work (after originally planning to stay at home till school age) and was absolutely the best thing. He thrived at nursery and I enjoyed my time with him at the weekends much more p.s they do get easier from around 3 but many parents then start filling their time up with extra work or more children (ha, us!) so don’t always notice the difference 😅

Thank you @noramoo- this is so helpful to hear when you’re in a thick of it. I feel as a first time mum, when you’re pregnant everyone glorifies the baby stage as magical bliss - which it is, while they’re a potato and still contact napping and immobile 😂 but once they start to want to move etc etc and the frustrations kick in, along with teething, weaning etc etc it’s bloody exhausting! My little one was pretty active from 6 months.. somewhat crawling and it’s just got progressively worse. As a baby I swear we didn’t hear him cry for months! Maybe I need to try and give the groups another go! I did attend quite a few but found them very clicky and honestly I just felt more isolated sat there in a room full of other mums who’d gone with friends or a relative, besides a smile no one really interacted with me.