Embarrassed by my 4 year olds behaviour

[Candystripes85]

My son started school in September and I’m very embarrassed by his behaviour.

Around a year ago he was so polite and well mannered, people would always comment on it. Now he is the complete opposite, doesn’t say please or thank you without prompt, pushes past people instead of saying excuse me, very impatient and gets so close to other children and people in the line so doesn’t give them their own space. He gets very over excited and then just behaves really silly. All this has been going on since he turned 4 earlier in the year and we have been working on it and it was improving, but since starting school it’s been even worse. The boys in his class are all quite boisterous. My son never has been, but he is easily influenced so has been playing fighting games at lunch and then ultimately getting into trouble when someone gets hurt (I will say it’s not just my son, it’s all the boys from what the teacher has said, but it’s just something else to add to the ever growing list and something extra I don’t want to have to deal with).

There is a play park near the school on the walk home and after school lots of children go there for a little while to play. Today he nearly caused a massive pile up on a roundabout and nearly broke his neck in the process. When I’ve taken him there he just behaves so silly like bumping into people on purpose. The other week he was playing with one of his school friends and tried to push them down the slide which he has literally never done before - I was mortified. It wasn’t done in a nasty way, his friend basically sat at the top of the slide and refused to go down, my son being impatient decided to just push him down instead. He doesn’t listen, trying to get him to leave said park or any place he doesn’t want too causes a massive tantrum or we end up having him to pick him up like a baby and carry him out. I’ve had a call home from school to say he got a bit overexcited and hurt a child in the process and the parents complained.

We banned him from the park for most of this week as he threw a fit last week when we were trying to leave, but he had been listening well in the evenings and has been very polite so I said he could go on again today as a treat. Now I’ve had to ban him again.

I’m very embarrassed by his behaviour at the minute. I feel like all the other parents are looking at me, and looking at my son like he’s the ‘naughty’ child as I’m always having to correct his behaviour, when I know deep down he isn’t. None of the above was an issue at nursery. Even his manners etc weren’t an issue at nursery, they always said he was very polite and well mannered, always played nicely. It was only at home that it was a problem. Now it seems to be all the time.

As I said he has just started school. He has had homework every night from the first day as well as bringing home books for him to read, so I do think he is exhausted and probably a bit overwhelmed at times. Maybe he is just adjusting and it will settle down, but I just can’t go on like this for much longer. I haven’t raised him this way.

Has anyone been through similar?
What do you think I should do?

Please no nasty comments, I am aware my son is behaving awfully, hence the post. I’m looking for some constructive parenting advice on how to navigate this and deal with it effectively because clearly what I am doing isn’t working.

I think you're being a little hard on him. He's absolutely knackered, and trying to navigate school and fit in with new relationships and one way humans do that is to copy behaviours. He needs the chance to physically release that stress - if the park isn't working take him out on his bike for an hour after school, or go to the woods to play hide and seek or anything that gets him moving and coordinating his body.

First 6 months or so of school were pretty crazy with our DD as well! Hopefully things will settle down once he finds his feet at school. Good luck!

I think he might be too young for punishments that aren't immediate - so banning him from future park trips doesn't really work. You need to remove him from the park immediately as soon as he starts acting up and then give him a choice - eg good behaviour on the way home equals a bit of screen time or he gets to choose his bedtime story etc. Bad behaviour and these are taken away. Stuff like that. Make sure everyday starts with a clean slate.

I'd also cut him a bit of slack OP - it's normal for children to push each other down the slide if one of them is causing an obstruction.

Other than that, what really works at this age is offering lots of rewards for the behaviour that you DO want to see. Use a reward system he'll enjoy (stickers, gold stars, fluffy pom poms). Good behaviour earns him a reward, and then have a "treat" he gets to enjoy once he's earned like 10 or something. Don't take away the rewards for poor behaviour though. Just make sure to reward the good, and be clear with him what constitutes "good" behaviour and gets him the reward. This way you are back in the driving seat and in control, instead of constantly telling him off when he does something you don't like. Do this consistently, and it'll pay off. You need to stick with it for 2-3 weeks for him to really "get it". You should then see that his behaviour improves at home, and at school, too.

Thanks for your advice. Going for a bike ride sounds like a good alternative. I’m wondering whether it may be best to avoid the park until after half term and try to work on some of the other things first. Maybe everything combined is way too much for him. We don’t often go to play parks to be honest so being able to go every day now may just be adding to it all.

@Tireddadplus Oh that’s good to hear. He’s my first so I haven’t ever experienced school before. I guess it’s just a huge chance for their little brains. Did your DD calm down a bit once she got used to it?

What's his diet like, does he have a lot of sugar/e-numbers?

@FeistyFrankie thank you. I’ve had a couple of hours to de stress and what you’ve said is making so much sense to me. The difficulty I have with the park personally is that I can’t lift him currently due to an injury so I’m physically unable to move him and he knows it and gives me the run round. His dad is able to swipe him up and carry him really quickly. I like the idea of starting every day with a clean slate, I’ve realised I’m almost holding it against him every day and adding it all together, when in reality not every day is bad.

Maybe I’m just a bit paranoid about the slide situation. I just feel like everyone is judging but maybe they actually aren’t. I just find it hard to shake that feeling especially as a parent complained. It makes me think they are all talking about us.

We do have a star chart although I must admit there hasn’t been many stars being added recently and we have taken some away which on reflection isn’t a nice thing for us to have done as it’s probably making him feel like there is no point in being good if the slightest blip will have them removed. I do feel awful always telling him off, he is genuinely such a sweet, lovely little boy with the most incredible personality. I don’t want to stamp that out of him. I think I’ve just lost my way a bit.

Thanks for your advice, I’m going to speak to my husband and try these tips tomorrow x

Agree with what others have said. Also, I wouldn’t get him to do the homework. He’s so young and school every day must be exhausting enough. Home work every day plus reading feels ridiculous

OP don't take stars away! Your poor little boy.

And do invent reasons for giving him more stars.

Do start every day with a clean slate. Don't let your worries about his behaviour get built up in your mind as something insurmountable.

He'll grow out of this.

I posted a similar thread a week ago. My DC is 4 y/o and also started Reception in September. He’s always been fairly well behaved but since starting school he’s been having massive meltdowns/ tantrums and lashing out and hitting me and his DF. I was reassured on here that this is not unusual after starting school, so I’ve been firm with him, but also giving him lots of downtime, hugs and love so that he can rest when he’s home and feels safe and secure, and things have calmed down a lot.

I agree, I just didn’t want him to get told off because he hadn’t done it when it would be me not wanting him too. What we’ve done this week is save it up and let him have a go over the weekend - the homework is phonics sheets so practicing writing letters basically. The teacher said he struggles with reading (which I did say, well he is four), but apparently other children in the class can read the books they are sending home. I didn’t want him to be further behind on writing as well. The reading thing made me feel bad enough as I thought being able to read a few words by starting school was pretty good!

I know, I feel terrible. It just started as a way to get him to listen to us but got a bit out of hand. I do feel awful for it and I won’t be doing it again!

What time does he go to bed? One of the boys my dc ‘grew up with’ at nursery and school from 2-5 was exactly this until the parents decided to get stricter with bedtime.

Oh, I should have probably searched before writing my own! I’ll have a look at it. That’s really good to know things have calmed down! When you say downtime what do you let him do? We limit the screen time as we find his behaviour gets worse but at the same time I think sometimes he does just want to sit, relax and watch Bluey until bed!

He goes up at 7pm currently. When he was at nursery is was 7:30, sometimes 8pm as he just wasn’t tired, but since starting school he’s been so wiped out he’s asked to go to bed earlier. I think we could be a bit stricter with the routine though. Since the time has changed we’ve missed a few bits out as he was falling asleep, so maybe we need to start it 10 minutes earlier so he has the routine he is used too.

@Candystripes85 it’s here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5418648-childs-behaviour-since-starting-reception?reply=147462997

He has to do Kumon every day so we let him have 30 minutes on an iPad after that if he does it well (the iPad was one of the big things setting him off so we’re being strict with it now) and then he plays. He’s good at imaginative play when he’s not distracted by screens. He also has a little brother so they often roughhouse together, and then he might watch a bit more tv to wind down before bed. I’m probably not as strict with the TV as I should be but at the moment it’s just whatever works!

I’ve also started doing activities with him to keep him off the screens, like building his marble run with him or setting up a paint station.

Very normal, also have a 4 year old who felt like they had a personality transplant after starting school.
Took some advice off other friends.
We go straight home from school, let them have some downtime...calm tv. Dinner and talk about the day, we found not asking lots of questions straight after school has helped.
Also more physical play in the evenings has really helped! I thought it would have the opposite affect but it has been really positive. A way to let their energy out and any frustrations. Then much easier to talk about anything that is bothering them at night time.

Yes we have pretty much banned the iPad. He only gets it on the weekend for 20 mins each day for the same reason. That’s a good idea! I used to set up little sensory play activities for him when he was younger, I might go back to doing something similar and see if he engages with that as well.

Ah that is interesting. I do ask lots of questions straight after school and he always tells me he can’t remember or doesn’t know what he has done. Have to say I’ve found it really frustrating, but haven’t made him aware of that, so I might wait until later in the afternoon instead.

I do want to try and come straight home if I can, it’s just hard when all his friends are there - some of them go every single day. I might leave the park for an end of week treat or something like that and go straight home the other days. Someone else suggested missing the park and doing a bike ride or something similar so I’m going to give that a go next week.

I feel like I’m always telling him off at the park as I worry his behaviour is dangerous or annoying to other children, but at the same time I don’t want to stamp the little boy out of him. I love how much energy he has, I would hate it if he just sat about not wanting to join in with anything, so an alternative physical activity is a good suggestion, thank you.

My son went through a stage like this. It’s almost like he turned 4 and his impulses just took over and he had no patience! We just kept reminding him again and again, even though it felt like we weren’t getting anywhere - he’s 5 now and says please/thank you 99% of the time and is more aware of his surroundings/saying excuse me etc. I’d focus more on praising good behaviour rather than punishing behaviours that are very normal for 4 year olds. It’s hard and starting school can bring a lot of big emotions but be that constant figure that’s there for him and guide him in the right direction and it’ll all work out :)

Also are you taking a large amount of snacks on the days you go to the park? Mine come out ravenous and need to eat immediately or behaviour is very over the top and erratic. I agree with backing off with the questions. I also find out a lot more if I ask semi leading questions like I already know the answer...so rather than what did you do today I ask which things did you climb on in the playground. It's a bit of a leap, but he'll sometimes tell me he did running instead or played with so and so, or he'll say the big tyres. So I tend to find out more that way.

My son is 6 and still has a lot of these silly over excited behaviours. He's not being vindictive or hurtful to others, just forgetting manners and is probably exhausted! Wait until some delightful wee child starts teaching him new words and hand gestures...

Honestly he sounds lovely and like pp, probably needs bigging up a bit. I also refused to do any non reading homework until year 2, and he's doing great academically.

Thank you, it’s good to know I’m not alone in this. It seems like all the other kids in his class are coping well and my friends child who started at a different school has been fine too, so I thought it was just my son.

You are right, I have to keep reminding myself he is only 4. I can’t expect him to behave like a much older child when he isn’t one.

I don’t take any snacks with me! We wait until we get home. It didn’t even cross my mind to take anything. He does always go straight for the cupboard when we get in, i have to remind him to wash his hands normally so maybe that’s contributing to it. Now you’v mentioned it, nursery used to really feed the kids well - they would have breakfast, a morning snack, lunch which was hot and what I would class as a dinner/tea, afternoon snack and then ‘tea’ which was sandwiches or wraps that kind of thing. At school they just give lunch and a piece of fruit am and pm so he might be absolutely starving!

I’ll give that questioning technique a try. We did used to do something similar with nursery as we could never get much out of him them either and we used to say ‘oh did you play with Barbies today?’ And he would then say ‘no, I did xyz’.

So when he’s causing a ‘pile up’ on the roundabout, or bumping into other children or pushing other kids on the slide, what are you doing?

Are you just ‘asking’ him to behave? Or standing there watching him and ineffectually telling him off? I know you say you end up leaving when he’s kicking off and you have to pick him up but I’m not surprised other parents are annoyed.

The whole point of good parenting is to anticipate behaviour and head it off at the pass. Whether that is cajoling or encouraging or distracting, you don’t let it get to a point where he’s pushing, bumping and causing chaos.

Yes he’s young, and just started school but that’s no excuse for not reigning him in and giving him some firm boundaries. You’re the adult and he’s 4. Take charge. Less of the pointless verbal stuff and more expectation setting, handholding and clear instructions/timing.