Has your child ever had a friend you disliked/disapproved of? What did you do?

[Voodoo43]

This is research for a novel I'm writing. I am trying to find out if parents have ever tried to manouevre their child out of a friendship that they didn't like/disapproved of/found dismaying. What was the reason for this? And what were your tactics? What was the end result?

When they came over for a playdate I hid a load of my child's toys. When other child left and it became clear the toys were missing my child's assumption was they had stolen or hidden the toys. That did the trick.

This is horrible, you framed a child for theft!

Yup my DC had friends at primary level that they were always getting into trouble with. When it was time to move up to middle school, I moved DC out of catchment to get away from them. It worked. Friends at new school were less of a problem.

I taught firm values and boundaries. When friend (age 13) did not demonstrate the same values, dd took a step back. We also chatted about surrounding yourself with people you would like to be like.

Thankfully it worked. It wasn’t a long thought out plan but although moving away from the friendship was her choice, it was due to chats where i guided the conversation but she led them and came to her conclusion to end the friendship and just be civil.

Why didn't you like this kid?

What sort of values do you mean? Curious. What did your child's friend do that demonstrated she had different values and boundaries?

Nothing really. It felt like an awkward situation. But then they suddenly moved home, so it was resolved.
My dc was not really bothered that the friend was leaving. I think they found them v overbearing.

Depends on the age of my child. Friendships are easier to manipulate when the children are younger.

For instance if there was a friendship I disapproved of when they were infant school age, I certainly did nothing to encourage the friendship outside of school (no play dates etc) and I would maybe encourage other friendships by organising things with other people. I would also remind them what true friendships looks like and gently suggest that things that their ‘friend’ was doing that made them feel bad was not what a true friend would do. My DS once had a unhealthy friendship where they were drawn together like magnets, but were no good for each other and in that case I did speak to the school and ask to keep them separated which they mostly did.

Secondary school is more difficult but my kids are mostly good judges of character so not many friendships I actively disapprove of although DD’s always have some drama which I don’t like. Again, we talk a lot about what true friendships look like and if someone upsets her or makes her feel shit about herself then maybe they are not as good a friend as she thinks.

Oh yes, reading pp’s note above, when it was time to choose secondary school, there were definitely some personalities that I wanted to separate him from so chose to send him to a different secondary school. He was on board with it.

Surely it depends on the age of the child and why you don’t like them. An irritating 6 year old is very different from a 15 year old into drugs and knife crime.

My 9yo DD is an easygoing, people-pleasing sort of person. She finds it difficult to say no. One of her friends is a nice kid, but very much an "in charge" personality, always wanting to be the leader of the game, calling the shots, and won't take no for an answer. I find this sort of bossiness very irritating, though "dislike" is a strong word to use for a child who is fundamentally pleasant.

At our last school parents evening I mentioned that DD was struggling to balance her enjoyment of the friendship with the frustration of always playing second fiddle. This year, they've been put into different classes, and it's helped enormously - DD gets a break during lesson time, and enjoys her time with her friend more during break times.

To be honest, fairly “standard” stuff like value yourself, don’t be racist, respond remembering others may not have witnessed the start of an argument - think about how you want to be perceived.

learning that teachers/adults are far more likely to do what you want if you treat them politely.

friend started using the n word. Dd asked her not to or they couldn’t be friends. Friend got her mum to confront me about DD’s policing her words because it’s “just a word”. Dd said “you can believe that, but we can’t be friends because I don’t want people to hear you say it and think I’m okay with it” I and proud of dd. Friend and her mum showed who they are and dd and I stepped away. Dd was sad to lose a friend but we have taught the background to racism and dd stood firm (we watched films and spoke about the history when racism became more prominent in dc school).

What I’ve learned is that dc pick up on your values and what’s important and what you demonstrate and that underpins their view on the world, then you have to trust them to make the right decisions, steering with careful questioning rather than “you’re never seeing that friend again” lines.

Thanks for getting back to me.