How can I help my son with his anger?

[Blendedmum101]

My son is 9, and has always had angry outbursts. I’ve put a lot of work into trying to help him with this, and I do feel as he has matured he has made some really positive changes. We are a blended family, and he spent the weekend with his dad, when I went to pick him up his dad said his behaviour had been really bad again and that he had been physical towards his brother (12) and him, and repeatedly told him he hated him and wanted to kill everyone. When we drove home he was very distressed still and told me he never wanted to see his dad again. It all seemed to stem from a game of uno, but this has happened many times at both homes. Older brother also gets quite upset about it all as he seems to be a punching bag for younger brother. Older brother however is not perfect and constantly winds up the younger brother, and also constantly interjects when younger brother is getting into any sort of trouble. Which is one of the main causes of younger brother having a physical outburst towards him. Older brother has mentioned it’s worse at his dads and he has come to upset that his brother is doing this to him with little repercussions how can I explain to him that he needs to stop winding him up and pushing him too far, but that also it is never okay for younger brother to hurt him? I feel like this has gone on a really long time but I mostly have a good balance at my house now where I can pick up on when younger brother is getting overwhelmed and I can help him, but his dad is saying maybe we should look at some more professional help. I’m not opposed to this but have no idea how to go about this. Is it as simple as just finding him a therapist? Could the anger be linked to anything else also?

It sounds like you’ve been doing really well with your son, but those outbursts are tough, especially with the family stuff going on. Kids this age sometimes struggle with managing big feelings, so it’s great you’re spotting when he’s overwhelmed and stepping in.

For your older son, maybe have a calm chat with him and say something like, “I get why you wind your brother up sometimes, but it’s never okay for him to hurt you. We’ve got to find better ways to deal with this, yeah?” It’s tricky, but setting clear boundaries on both sides helps.

Getting a bit of professional help could be a really good shout a child therapist could work with him on his anger and maybe figure out if there’s anything else going on underneath. Your GP can usually help with a referral, and keeping a little diary of what sets things off might be handy for them.

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, and a bit of extra support could make a big difference.

Poor boy probably misses his dad and doesn’t want to be part of a “blended family “ that he didn’t choose and has no control over.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Who does he live with at your house? Pp is suggesting he’s acting out due to a broken home and having to live with your partner and potentially patients children?

She means that he didn't choose to live with your partner. As you say blended family I assume your partner has children who live with you too?
What happened with his dad?

I see!

So he lives with me, my partner, his older brother and then his step sister who is mine and my partners daughter. His step brother is here on weekends too. He definitely struggles with the blended side of things, I think he gets quite anxious being away from home, so is more on edge/defence at his dads. Myself and partner have spoken to a therapist about ways we can help him when he’s here before as I didn’t want my partner to move in and not be on the same page as me with how I want to do things. It has been a learning curve for my partner for sure and hasn’t always been perfect. The anger with my son was there before partner moved in, but I’m sure at times being a blended family has contributed to the anger. With his other siblings he is the sweetest kid and shows so much patience, but I think he sees older brother as competition!

Complex family set up

Haha indeed! Find me a family that isn’t! It certainly stems from a number of things, he mentioned in the past he feels bad that he loves my partner and that it makes him feel bad towards his dad, himself and his brother prefer not to call my partner a step dad which again I think is because they find it disrespectful to there dad.. so there are a lot of feelings there we talk through it when they want to and I kind of let the kids lead a lot of that stuff we don't force it, and took advice from the therapist with how to navigate that. He’s quite anxious and struggles with learning and self esteem I think this is another reason for the anger. As much as I talk to him about things and help him at home he is getting older now and maybe some outside support will help him open up without feeling worried about hurting anyone’s feelings

Yes, sorry this is what I’m trying to say!!

Thank you!

I’ve replied to someone now with who lives at the home. It’s me and the two boys from previous relationship, baby sister, and then partners son is here on the weekends

dad and I broke up when he was around 1, he’s always struggled going there now I think about it but is much better about going now.

Sorry so just to clarify it’s his half sister not step sister

I wonder if there’s anything he’s doing at his dad with a change in routine that is making this worse- late bedtimes, too much screen time, computer games, unsuitable food etc which triggers him more

Oh god yes sorry, half sister! Tbh they just call her there sister and my partners son there brother.

yes all of this triggers him, and has to be looked out for. I will double check with his dad, to see what it’s been like with that lately

(I would also check he’s being supervised with the screens and doesn’t have access to anything online he shouldn’t, communications he shouldn’t be on when playing computer games etc)

Has he got an outlet for his feeling?

DPs best friends son is quite complex emotionally. He's part of a blended family, Stepdad is (in my opinion) a knob, and everyone else in the family is female.

He loves coming over to ours because he can whale on me. When he was littler it was playfighting, but now he's about 9 he hurts, so I've got DDs old Karate pads and we spar. He gets to work out his frustration at having no control over his life, and then when he's done he opens up, we talk about Minecraft, Lego, and all the other crap that 9 year olds care about.

Your son is beating the shit out of your 12 year old because he's the one he thinks can take it. You need to find an outlet for him that isn't your other son, and then you need to figure out why he needs that outlet in the first place.

That places responsibility on your older son for the younger behaviour. The reality is the parents need to manage it better so the older child isn’t being assaulted by his brother.

Yeah we’ve tried quite a few different things, at the moment it’s knitting! He seems to find a hobby for a little while we’ve had football, rugby, boxing, gymnastics and cricket and then he just decides he wants to try something else. He tends to only lash out at his brother once his brother gets involved so for example I might say to him hey don’t do that if he’s jumping on the sofa his brother would then go yeah don’t do that mummy you should take his phone or maybe even just spit his tongue out, that then results in youngest brother getting angry and hitting him. Oldest brother then wants to stop youngest brother is too angry and will keep going for him and it’s a huge scene, this is usually daily but I’m quite good at managing it now and shutting down oldest brother before youngest brother is wound up enough. But once he is angry he is then quite hard to calm down we have a punch bag outside and I say to him let’s do that or other things but he is reluctant when angry and it takes a lot to calm him down

And how is he with other emotions?

A lot of the time boys hit because they're not allowed to express other emotions. I'm not saying it's coming from you but is Dad telling him Boys don't cry? Or his brother? A lot of the time the only emotion boys and men are allowed to experience is anger. Happiness is considered effeminate, as is sadness.

I'd consider getting him involved in something like rugby, where he can work his anger out, but is also able to celebrate or commiserate alongside his teammates. Preferably where his brother isn't involved in the same activity.