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Original poster

Young adult daughter living with boyfriend, expects me to carry on supporting her

27 replies

Incitatus12 · 08/10/2025 11:23

I am a divorcee and got re-married. My 20 year old daughter came to live with us. I am on a teacher's salary and my hubby is also just an ordinary working guy, so while we're not poor, we are not well-off either. She was treated exactly the same in our house as my husband's son.

In her last year at school, 2 years ago, she showed no ambition whatsoever. I repeatedly asked her what she wanted to study, with no response. Her marks were not good enough to qualify for the degree she wanted, so she had to make another choice, but it just didn't happen. Eventually we paid for a non-degree course in drafting, which, recently, I found out I had "forced" her to study.

Then, still at school, she met a guy, just as she was finishing school, who was her date to the prom. Long story short, before she even got her final school results, she was sleeping with him and practically living with him. We'd not see her most nights and never on weekends. He was himself a student and his parents supported him and paid for his condo.

Today it's 2 years on, and I've been supporting her all along with for example a high-end cell phone on contract, free housing and food for the rare days she bothered to sleep at home, and medical insurance. This, in spite of her completing the post-school course and being able to get a job. Her excuse for not getting one, "her boyfriend didn't want her to get a job while he was still studying." (Is it just me, or is this quite controlling on his behalf?)

The boyfriend graduated recently and got a job. I then had a sit-down conversation with her and said I am no longer going to fund her choices, given that she's no longer under my roof and her boyfriend now has a job. From my point of view, she can get a job, she is effectively a housewife already and her boyfriend is working.

Major blow-up between us. I am apparently a "transactional" parent, who expected her to do chores if she wanted to get, say, new clothes. I should apparently have paid for a university degree, in spite of her school marks not being good enough. I then said to her I will still fund any degree, but then she has to stay under my roof and only see the boyfriend weekends, because she'd not shown a lot of self-discipline at school. This elicited another torrent of abuse from her. According to her, it's my job as a parent to carry on supporting her even when she can get a job, and even though she's living with her boyfriend who has a job. And my offer of paying for a degree - for which me and my hubby would have to borrow money - is apparently 2 years too late. (Well, no, she's only 20, not married and she has no job, so how's it too late?)

AITA here?

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 08/10/2025 11:45

No you're not an asshole. Tell her you are still willing to fund a degree or other study that could lead to a career. Otherwise she can get a job or go on benefits.

Would you be happy if she left him and came home? That could end up being more expensive for you?

FuzzyWolf · 08/10/2025 11:50

I then said to her I will still fund any degree, but then she has to stay under my roof and only see the boyfriend weekends, because she'd not shown a lot of self-discipline at school.

Yet you think her boyfriend is controlling?

I would tell her that you will fund a degree if she gets accepted onto one, but nothing else. Whilst on the degree she can live with you rent free or she can pay to live elsewhere. However, what she does or doesn’t get out of the degree is on her. She is an adult and I would also give her a deadline for when the mobile phone and medical insurance payments end.

TralalaTralalee · 08/10/2025 11:51

Teens/young 20s are still very very young and their behaviour can be totally irrational!

Stay calm. Reiterate that you love her and are offering to pay for a degree. But also reiterate that she is an adult who is choosing to live with her boyfriend, and that parents do not fund their adult children indefinitely.

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Thenamechangecometh · 08/10/2025 11:58

Just tell her she has a one year window to get the qualifications she needs to enter a college degree (are you American? Did she graduate high school?) or get a job, after which you will support the college degree if she gets that far, or if not stop supporting her financially as she won’t need you to as she will be 21, an adult with a partner and perfectly able to self sustain.

Then just keep restating that boundary/opportunity and let the rest go.

The only thing I’d advise is that if he doesn’t want her to work while he builds a career, then she’d better get married. (The latter is my idea of hell but whatever, suits some people apparently!)

Original poster
Incitatus12 · 08/10/2025 12:00

@DiscoBob - my worry is not the money at all. My husband and I would gladly take out a loan to pay for a degree or have her move back.

Our big worry is rather the total lack of ambition on her behalf and her future vulnerability. She's directly gone from essentially still being a schoolkid 2 years ago to a housewife who's seemingly happy for us and the boyfriend to support her.

So OK, it's all romantic now, but then in 2, 3, 5 years, their relationship turns sour, and then what? The boyfriend had some health issues when he was younger, and God forbid, what happens if something happens to him again which renders him unable to support her?

She will find it really difficult to get a job if she's never worked. This is what I mean by vulnerability. She's totally dependent on other people, especially the boyfriend, even for transport. She could have gotten a driver's license 2 years ago, still doesn't have one, which is one of her excuses for not getting a job. (Is this the boyfriend's way of controlling her and keeping her dependent on him, due to his health issues?)

What we want is not necessarily for her to move back in with us, but to get some direction with her life which is not 100% dependent on other people.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 08/10/2025 12:04

Incitatus12 · 08/10/2025 12:00

@DiscoBob - my worry is not the money at all. My husband and I would gladly take out a loan to pay for a degree or have her move back.

Our big worry is rather the total lack of ambition on her behalf and her future vulnerability. She's directly gone from essentially still being a schoolkid 2 years ago to a housewife who's seemingly happy for us and the boyfriend to support her.

So OK, it's all romantic now, but then in 2, 3, 5 years, their relationship turns sour, and then what? The boyfriend had some health issues when he was younger, and God forbid, what happens if something happens to him again which renders him unable to support her?

She will find it really difficult to get a job if she's never worked. This is what I mean by vulnerability. She's totally dependent on other people, especially the boyfriend, even for transport. She could have gotten a driver's license 2 years ago, still doesn't have one, which is one of her excuses for not getting a job. (Is this the boyfriend's way of controlling her and keeping her dependent on him, due to his health issues?)

What we want is not necessarily for her to move back in with us, but to get some direction with her life which is not 100% dependent on other people.

I totally agree with your concerns. She shouldn't be reliant on boyfriend. It's understandable to want a bit of financial support from parents when you're just starting out but she needs her own money.

Original poster
Incitatus12 · 08/10/2025 12:05

FuzzyWolf · 08/10/2025 11:50

I then said to her I will still fund any degree, but then she has to stay under my roof and only see the boyfriend weekends, because she'd not shown a lot of self-discipline at school.

Yet you think her boyfriend is controlling?

I would tell her that you will fund a degree if she gets accepted onto one, but nothing else. Whilst on the degree she can live with you rent free or she can pay to live elsewhere. However, what she does or doesn’t get out of the degree is on her. She is an adult and I would also give her a deadline for when the mobile phone and medical insurance payments end.

Well if we are going to borrow to pay for a degree for her, we sure as hell can lay down some ground rules, given her very ordinary school career. But no, we're not controlling, on the contrary. A degree would free her from being dependent upon us or the boyfriend. That's what we want - her to be able to stand on her own feet.

OP posts:
dollyblue01 · 08/10/2025 12:16

Me personally I’d stop the support and she’d have no choice but to get a job, it would force her to do one thing or the other, she’s 20 parents can’t pander to them forever, she’s probably happy lying in bed doing nothing much all day, once out of full-time education which can be 19 here, it’s job time or further education if that’s really required and necessary. 20 is not a child.

NewYorkSummer · 08/10/2025 12:24

We’ve always said we will help fund our kids while they need it, through university and job hunting etc, but once they make the decision to move out then they’re moving into a different phase of life and should be supporting themselves. I’d possibly keep paying the phone bill just so I know she’s got some kind of support/lifeline, but nothing else. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. I wonder how long before the novelty of being a stuck at home housewife at that age will wear off.

Bluetub · 08/10/2025 12:24

It sounds like you're not in UK, so my "normal" will be different.

I'd continue to pay health insurance, if that's something you need where you are, because I know that when the chips are down, I would find a way to pay whatever was needed, regardless of the state of our relationship, so the insurance protects me iyswim.

I'd support with education costs if she demonstrated proper enthusiasm and a sensible plan/ambition for whatever she chooses (but in UK that would amount tonhelp with student loan appliactions and perhaps some short term help with textbooks or accomodation costs). I don't think you can set conditions on that, as you propose, although I do think you can say she'll need to do some work to contribute to the cost of study.

NotMyKidsThough · 08/10/2025 12:35

Apart from love, life itself is transactional, the same way it is for every mammal. Everyone has to bring something to the table, and at 20, if you want clothes bought for you then you certainly need to be doing something in return.
As it is, your daughter expects and has been getting a free ride.
Stop giving it. You can't afford it anyway.
But there is no reason you should even be asked to.

Billybagpuss · 08/10/2025 12:36

Stick to your guns, your offer is entirely reasonable although I’d want some guarantee of effort if she takes up your degree offer. Definitely stop funding any lifestyle (except maybe medical if you are US but maybe don’t tell her about that one) she reacted how she did because she doesn’t want her current status quo to change. She needs a job, but until she has her own motivation to get one, there is not much else you can do.

how is her mental health.?

JetFlight · 08/10/2025 12:40

Ask her if she still expects you to be financially supporting her at 25. What if something happens and you’re unable to work anymore, what would she do? This is why she needs to sort herself out so she’s independent and able to support herself as a normal healthy adult.

Ddakji · 08/10/2025 12:43

You are 100% right with this - the only wrong thing is that you did it at all in the first place. However, better late than never. Time for her to grow up.

I wonder how long her boyfriend will want to be her sole support?

JustJani · 08/10/2025 12:43

I do think you're very unreasonable (and ridiculous) to suggest that if you fund her degree course she has to spend week nights under your roof. The funny thing about that is it does sound unusually transactional which makes me think your dd may have a point. If you don't think she can commit to the course then don't fund it.

She's an adult now. You need to let her live her own life and make her own mistakes. You don't like her choices and you've made that clear. The rest is up to her. You can stop funding her if you don't like it. But what you can't do to a 20 year old is tell them "you need to do X and then I will pay for/allow y".

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 08/10/2025 12:45

Stop supporting her!! Every day send her links to the Jobcentre. Stop throwing more money at her!!

notacooldad · 08/10/2025 12:46

AITA here?
Wrong forum.

But seeing that you asked, I would be pointing out at the age of20 she has had a good run out of you and that you are not there to fund her lifestyle

I have no idea why some people treat their adult children as kids and allowing them to talk like shit to them.

I think you need to get stronger boundaries on place with the way she talks to you and her expectations.
Also, I know you are worried about her future and are trying to get her to do things but the adage about leading a horse to water is true.

BlueandPinkSwan · 08/10/2025 12:53

Why are you funding her? She needs to get off her arse and get a job, any job as long as it pays a wage and she can pay her bills.
She could drop you like a hot potato anytime and go no contact anyway. Stop pandering to her, she's NOT a 10 year old.

Luckyingame · 08/10/2025 12:56

"Your worry is not the money at all".
Good.
Not everyone is ambitious.
Would it kill you to give more support, then?

Cadenza12 · 08/10/2025 13:00

She needs to support herself, as unpleasant as that may be. Just stop funding her lifestyle. It's really not that hard.

VanCleefArpels · 08/10/2025 13:04

Our job as parents of adult kids whose choices we don’t agree with is to nod and smile and bite our tongue in half - otherwise relations may have soured so much that she doesn’t come to you when/if things go tits up.

UnicornLand1 · 08/10/2025 13:05

She's lazy and entitled, probably a product of modern, fashionable permissive parenting. I don't understand why you funded her new phone at her age - she should have worked for it. Has she ever had any job in her life at all?

Comefromaway · 08/10/2025 13:14

My children always knew that I would fund the essentials as long as they were in education. I would not have continued to support when she moved in with her boyfriend. If someone chooses not to work or study then tough, they have to cope.

In fact my daughter only began her degree at 23 and we don't even fund that (UK rules are that if you can prove you were self supporting for 3 years prior and dd can as she worked full time for 3 years, 2 of them in another city) then they are classed as independent and get full student maintenance.

She has become very entitled and you are doing her no favours in supporting this lifestyle. Be there for when things go tits up, but stop enabling her now.

Coconutter24 · 08/10/2025 13:34

Luckyingame · 08/10/2025 12:56

"Your worry is not the money at all".
Good.
Not everyone is ambitious.
Would it kill you to give more support, then?

In what way should OP give more support? They are paying for things for her, phone etc, OP has offered to get a loan to pay for a degree for her DD, what more should op do to support a lazy entitled adult? Why should the DD have no job or income and expect others to pay for her just because she’s got no ambition? Not everyone is ambitious but that doesn’t mean they can’t go get a minimum wage job to bring in some money

blackpooolrock · 08/10/2025 13:44

Why don't you offer to pay for driving lessons?

I don't think i would support her in the way she wants though. She's an adult now and needs to deal with it the same way others need to - if she can't manage with what she has she needs to make more of an effort.