8 year old DS still won’t go into a room alone

[idontknow54789]

Has anyone experienced this and did they just grow out of it? My DS has just turned 8 and still won’t go into a room alone. In the morning I need to either wake him up or he’ll just yell until I come in - won’t leave his room on his own. When I need to fetch this around the house he’ll follow me. If he wants a snack he makes me come into the kitchen with him (I’m not doing there’s things for him, I make him get his own, own drinks etc.) but he constantly needs my presence. I also have two other DCs and my middle one (5 year old) is perfectly happy going downstairs on their own, fetching things from their room etc. I’ve tried just not coming with him and he will have a meltdown that really can go on for hours if I let it - he’s very stubborn. Or he’ll just refuse. H he’ll just about be left alone in a room when he’s watching tv and will go to the toilet alone but that’s about it. Anyone else’s DC? Did they grow out of it?

What happens if you just... don't go get him? For hours or all day if need be?

Do you suspect any neuro diversity because this is not the response of a NT child. The hours long meltdowns because you won't go to him is unlikely to be something he will simply grow out of. I would genuinely look into getting support for him and consider possibly counselling to try and understand these issues better.

My daughter is also 8, she went through a phase like this about a year ago. It didn’t last too long though she got bored waiting on me all the time! She does sometimes say she doesn’t want to be upstairs without me especially if it’s dark outside. Generally though I think it was a phase.

I really don’t think that would help. I’m sure there’s some anxiety going on but not really sure where it’s stemmed from.

Thank you, that’s good to hear

Hard as it is, I think I’d keep going for a while longer. Some kids just need more support than others, but the vast majority get there eventually.

What is he like if there is another child with him? Can he be left in a room with his siblings/friends? Could he take his friends to the kitchen to get a snack together?

To be fair, if the child has never been taught that they can't just yell and wait for a parent to appear, naturally they would be taught to be anxious about their parents not appearing and having to venture out.

Even if they are anxious, the standard reaction would be to give them some tough (well, standard) love by not going in to your 4/5/6/7-year old and teaching them to get over themselves and come to you.

To be blunt, the anxiety would initially be normal, and when not trained out, the question is why not. Why were you anxious/avoiding for five years at teaching your kid to walk out of their own room?

My son is 3 and is like this. It started a few months ago due to him not liking the dark but it’s escalated to even in the day time. He does like Halloween shows and books since going to a party last year, and his interest continued out of the season and into spring/summer. Now that I think about it his exposure to this seems to have caused a fear of what’s lurking in the dark etc. My fault entirely for going along with it and not realising the cons of this. Did you have similar with your son at the same age? My boy has always had a close attachment to me over his Dad etc but was quite independent until recently. However, it only seems to be inside the house. If we are outside he doesn’t know I exist!

Also won’t leave his room without me coming to him which is a new thing! Just screams until I come in. As poster above said, I need to adapt my behaviour and not respond or be clear that he needs to come to me. My DH is opposite to me and is as stubborn as DS so will not pander to tantrums where as I will. I fear I have created this situation but need to start making steps to support him in leaving this anxiety behind.

We also went through this when my son was 8 or 9. It was a short phase. At bed time he would refuse to go and get ready without me going upstairs with him and just standing around while he brushed his teeth etc. same in the morning with jot leaving his room until we came to him. Would follow me around aimlessly if i got up to fetch something from another room.

Drove me absolutely crazy.

My husband hit on a partial bedtime solution where we would go upstairs at the same time as him, but then bustle around doing clean up chores in the upstairs rooms so we were sort of on a parallel track to him but he could still see and hear us going in and out of rooms and he’d never actually be alone for more than a minute or two. This saved our own sanity really too as at least we had a strategy.

he would get so distressed and obstinate if we put down ultimatums that it really didnt seem to help him. I dont believe it was simply laziness or bad behaviour. It didnt affect him out of the house or at school.

we also considered this might be a sign of some neurotypical tendencies but after 3 or 4 months it disappeared. I have no idea but jus a phase in the end!

"he makes me come into the kitchen with him"

Need to change your mindset. He's 8 years old, and you are the adult. If he wants to follow you around that's up to him, but I certainly wouldn't be following orders or following him around. If he didn't go in the kitchen to get his snack and I wasn't going into the kitchen he wouldn't be snacking for example. He wouldn't be getting out of bed if he didn't get his own bum out of bed. You just need to be much tougher

My daughter was similar but about being upstairs if we were downstairs (and vice versa) and being alone at bedtime. She was 6 or 7.

School advertised a parenting a child with anxiety course which walked us through going up all exposure ladder. Essentially you plan with DC how you get to the goal and over a few weeks or months incrementally get there, eg be on the other side of a room for 5 mins every day, then 15 mins, then leave them in a room but talk to them loudly etc. Whatever steps feel achievable to you. Child knows the plan and the timings in advance.

Plus we taught her how to recognise anxiety eg fluttering tummy etc and some grounding /calming techniques.

It did work. You can probably do something similar at home.

I’d try talking to him about it and seeing if you can jointly work out a plan to make him feel more comfortable.

Could you “practice” being in the room next to the kitchen with the door open instead of in the kitchen while he makes a drink? Could you stand outside his bedroom door in the morning where he can see you and ask him to come out? Basically, jointly, push slightly out of his comfort zone to gradually improve things.

What happens when you’re alone in the house together and you need the toilet? If he can manage for those few minutes then I’d point that out to him.

My son went through a phase of this when he was little. My daughter who is 2 years younger used to go with him if he needed to go into another room or upstairs. We called her his human shield. He then went through a phase of being scared of the dark and needing big lights on and his and our bedroom doors open at night. He grew out of both fairly quickly . It will sort itself out. It’s easier if he has a younger sibling who wants to be his friend!