Your advice on how to speak to DD10. She won’t ask for help

[Cursebreaker30]

My DD who is 10, nearly 11 has been entering various competitions for school where you get selected for roles in the school that hold a title like a prefect. You have to write a manifesto and a speech and present it to the year group and teachers.

this has been going on for a couple of years and she has entered everything and won nothing. Today was her last chance to get a role, and she has come to me sobbing. I can see real sadness and disappointment in her face and she can’t stop crying, and she said today was her last chance to “be anything” in the school.

the problem is she has a habit of never seeking help or advice. She will go off and do things alone and not allow anyone the chance to read her drafts or even look at it until she is performing it or presenting it. Naturally because she has had no feedback, she is writing or presenting blind. Misinterpretations she’s had of the purpose of the exercise early on, get carried through and by the end result, the exercise is completely off track.

the project before this her teacher wrote to me to say that DD would not show her anything and had I seen her exercise? The teachers and parents of the other DC routinely check and help the other children with their presentations but dd will just not let us.

when she doesn’t get the result she wants, she uses it as proof of her repeated failure and that she’s “no good” and descends into depression.

I was a lot like this when younger and it took me a very long time to learn that other people were accepting more help than I was and that I should take what I was offered instead of expecting myself to be naturally brilliant at something.

i just wrote to her dad about it (she lives with me and not him) and he said “she's navigating blind on what she thinks is cool, while she should be pointed towards activities that can yield results for her.”

Can anyone help me with a way to phrase the problem to her about how she needs to ask for help? And then she’ll be less likely to fail? Every way I am saying it just doesn’t sink in.

Would it help to tell her that a number of things in life are a team effort. That sometimes only one person gets credit but you can be sure that she has had help from team mates, parents or siblings etc. even though it wasn’t mentioned.

That the footballer who scored the goal had the ball passed to him or her from someone but how often does that person get credit, not much compared to the goal scorer, who gets most if not all the credit but it was a team effort of passes that led to the win.

That when she says shes no good - shes right that shes no good at ACCEPTING TEAM SUPPORT only. Shes great at loads of other things. But until she learns that skill, things won’t improve in that area.

That sometimes it can make it easier, bouncing ideas off each other until you find the best one. That it happens in offices where senior staff expect teamwork and ask their junior staff for input, even though they aren't the boss.

That it happens to politicians. They don’t write all their own speeches alone. The king and queen, the Prince of Wales etc also dont write all their own speeches. They all have help from others. They tweak them how they like after they bounce ideas off a trusted friend or assistant.

That it’s normal and part of growing up to ask for help and accept constructive feedback and you’re ready to help her when she’s ready to try.

Sounds like she has just had a wake up call, to succeed you need to make use of all the help available she didn’t and didn’t succeed.

Is she friends with any of the girls who have won these awards? Maybe she could ask them for advice? At that age, my daughter would ignore anything I said to her, but accepted the same wisdom from her peers!

She sounds like me as a child and actually, not that long ago as an adult too!

Some people find it very hard to ask for help for fear of judgement. I notice you say you were like that too, have a look internally and find why you felt that you had to do that at her age?

Is it possible youre subconciously still doing those same things now and not letting people help/doing it all yourself and shes seeing that and replicating it?

Hope she starts to ask for help or guidance soon. I am also sure shes not the only girl who has applied for lots of things and been unsuccessful, she wont be alone in this and it is the reality of life. You can have 10 great candidates for a job but only 1 position to fill 🤷‍♀️ sadly people lose out and its not because theyre bad or wrong, its just circumstance!

What happens if you directly tell her to show you what she’s written? As a teacher I wouldn’t have been taking no for an answer. She’s only 10. Does she have any understanding of the point of proofreading and practice?

It also the case that she could have had all the help in the world and done a great job but still not have got chosen. It’s a risk you take anytime you put yourself forward for something along with several other people.

On Educating Yorkshire recently they showed the Year 7 rep candidates being coached by their teachers in writing and delivering speeches. It might be worth a watch with her.

You could talk a little about what you learnt yourself. But also, she's learning now, so don't try to push to hard. Kids do work in unhelpful ways and then change. She's very brave to keep trying.

I was a lot like this when younger and it took me a very long time to learn that other people were accepting more help than I was and that I should take what I was offered instead of expecting myself to be naturally brilliant at something. It's good you learnt it, so you can describe that and make sure to ask her to check your work - get her to help you with anything. Model writing drafts and getting input. Don't lecture about herself.

Also it is quite common to be embarrassed about sharing work, it's a natural feeling, but obviously one to overcome.

Play some games like consequences where you produce something together. Also maybe get some fridge poetry so you can make non-permanent poetry together, or try to draft silly poems between you. Anything that involves drafting and redrafting.

I think that.you need to avoid the words "fail" and "failure" when discussing the results of her competition entries. It's commendable that she tries and important that she does not give up.

Perhaps the teacher could give her some feedback as to the reason for her not achieving her aims - and also advise her that she may change the outcome of her attempts by accepting constructive guidance and critique during the preparation of her entries - as it seems to work for other children