To think that school residential isn’t for all kids?!

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Dd is 10, she has Sen, she’s in year 6 and her class are on a 3 night residential soon. The activities are mainly outside based and very physical which she will struggle with, she’s having an assessment for dcd/dyspraxia soon. she also gets really anxious about the sleeping part and leaving us, she has high anxiety levels and has attachment issues, in previous years she’s gone in the day and I’ve picked her up in the evening and took her back in the morning but it’s further away and not really do-able this time. The activities weren’t so full on previous years. We also had little notice for the residential. Only finding out about it a week or so ago. She also has a fear of going to the toilet out in public which won’t help the whole thing!

we are working on all these issues. She’s on the waiting list for an autism assessment (my eldest is diagnosed autistic and likely she is too). she often goes under the radar at school as she has no behavioural issues and doesn’t cause any problems in school. The school are generally dismissive of all this.

I give her the choice whether to go or not. I don’t want to push her either way, she was considering going then decided she didn’t want to. I emailed the school to say she doesn’t wanna go but they are being pushy, telling her she should go, it’s her last chance as last year of primary, she’ll enjoy it, her friends will miss her

they’ve also spoken to me and said how great it is for building confidence and resilience. I get that but it’s causing us distress at home as she really doesn’t want to go. But in her words she’s feeling pressurised at school as the teachers keep trying to persuade her.

I think it’s because if she doesn’t go they’ll have to find provision for her in school. She’s already in a mixed aged group class, there are year 5s in her class who will not be joining them and one of their usual ta’s in the class aren’t going so I can’t see the issue.

why are they making us feel so bad for her not going?

I never went on my year 6 residential as back then there was always a few not going and a locks alternative was offered instead.

You know her best and it sounds like she knows her own mind perfectly well. Telling her her friends will miss her sounds quite manipulative, but maybe they are trying to make sure she knows she is wanted even if she chooses not to go?

Well certainly It won’t be for many SEN children who she’s having an assessment for dcd/dyspraxia soon. she also gets really anxious about the sleeping part and leaving us, she has high anxiety levels and has attachment issues

why are they making us feel so bad for her not going

unlikely they’re doing anything
but you, as her mother, feels guilty 🤷‍♀️. Familiar feeling from day 1!

If she's been on similar before, she will know whether she likes it or not.

Your dd sounds very similar to mine. She is autistic and hypermobile (so struggles a lot with physical activity), plus very anxious. Anything outdoorsy/physical is her worst nightmare and we had an awful build up to the Y6 residential last year. Even down to anxiety around the food they will serve.

She originally said she wanted to go as she didn’t want to be left out as everyone else was going, so we paid for it but right up until the night before she was having huge meltdowns about it constantly, and I almost pulled her out of the trip the night before the went.

We spoke to the school extensively and were reassured that she wouldn’t be forced to take part in anything she didn’t want to. And she was put in a group with her class teacher who she trusts, which I think made a difference.

As much as the confidence building stuff they peddle at school sounds like rubbish, it really was that for her. She even went kayaking and got in the lake at the end which I was absolutely gobsmacked about!! I was dreading the whole weekend and was so worried collecting her from school when they arrived home, thinking she would burst into tears as soon as we got back, but she was ecstatic and had the best time ever. Her feedback was overwhelmingly positive - and this is from the child that you could take to the best place in the world and have an amazing day but one small negative thing would make her say it was the worst time ever.

I know all SEN children are different and it might be the right decision to keep her at home. But just wanted to share my experience as it was unexpected and very good for my dd.

Going back to your title post OP, there are 3 to 4 kids in DS‘s cohort who have struggled with the residentials. It has never got any better for them as far as I can see. When they are within conceivable commuting distance of school, their parents have arranged a carpool so that they can attend the day part. Even then, I don’t think they have hugely enjoyed themselves. So I think you are right – school residentials are not for every child.

I would encourage her to try to be honest. I say that as a parent with children with similar challenges though mine are now young adults. Once you’re out of primary you will realise what a unique stage it is and how very different things are in secondary. This may be the last residential she has a good crack at. Put everything in to making it work.

I did not go on the year 6 residential when I was a child as I was super anxious mainly about food (I was very fussy), toileting and sleeping. My parents respected I didn’t want to go and didn’t make me, I’m now a fully functioning adult who didn’t lose out on this week AT ALL and I’m not fussy anymore, no toilet/sleep issues … I will not be sending my child on residential if they don’t want to.

If you think she won't have fun then don't send her.
But my DD (with sen) had a blast at hers. It all depends on what support she will have while there.

Don’t feel bad about it at all. You’ve made an assessment in the best interests of your child.

It should be your daughter's choice and the school shouldn't be pressurising her to go at all. If her class is mixed Year 5/6 and the residential is for Year 6 students, then her staying back shouldn't be an issue. My son did go on his residential, and I admit to persuading him to go. He doesn't have SEN, and he did enjoy the majority of the activities but not the food or the room sharing!! If your daughter has SEN, and the residential is something she's going to struggle with, then keep reiterating your stance. I went on my residential at school, we had a choice - camping in Wales or a youth hostel in Guernsey - I chose Guernsey!

Not really. The previous residential have been pretty close to home whereas this one is further away, also different activities altogether.

Sounds like they think your d issues are down to your anxiety.

@Skybluepinkyno it doesn’t. What a horrible comment. Do you have a child that struggles with residentials? I did and the lead up to the residential was a very stressful time.

My DD didn’t enjoy them and her teacher in Y6 was ridiculously unsupportive when DD showed extreme anxiety about going. She actually said that you could tell which Y7 children hadn’t gone on a residential as they were immature. She had to eat her words when the residential was scrapped due to Covid! I was so relieved that DD didn’t have to go. She’s much older now and is perfectly fine with staying overnight at friends houses. She just wasn’t ready to go on a residential in Y6.

Crikey! Bold statement to make when you know little about me or her!

Imho (not helpful, I know) think Y6 is way too young for residential in general!

The first one schools used to organise back in my time and my country was in the equivalent of Y8 and I didn't even go. Why are children supposed to grow up so quickly - this does nothing rather than putting those who mature at a different pace and/or with SEN under the spotlight.

Mine went recently and HATED it despite being so excited to go 😔

I would never force mine. I'm often team school on MN threads and work in schools, but the staff you've mentioned at yours need to go away. Don't let them guilt you

Oh your poor DD. Don't send her if it will
cause her distress - it’s not compulsory and you know your child. The world won’t end if she doesn’t go. Sounds like she’d be more upset this year as it’s further and more physical.

the friends thing is silly really - they’ll be busy and it’s the same as a half term??

Do you mean that the school don’t fully understand the depth of reasons why OP’s daughter doesn’t want to go, and are pressuring her because they think it is all just anxiety? You might have a point there if she masks well. OP it might be worth sitting down with her teacher again.

If you are just having a pop at OP then obviously YABU.

I think it depends on how well run the residential is. I went on my own accord in Y6 thinking it would be wonderful, in reality it was awful - big cold dorms with plastic matresses, bathrooms covered in moths, dodgy looking kitchen. I still remember the stupid breakfast rule that only allowed toast to be eaten after ceral, I didnt like milk so went without breakfast. I wasnt overly fussed on most of the activities either. This was only 20 years ago too.

If my kid didnt want to go on a school residential, I would never force them (especially given the cost seems extortionate these days). Might offer an alternative like PGL.

For context the school imo have massively failed her, she has an EHCP which hasn’t been followed most of the time, because she’s compliant and behaved at schools she’s gone under the radar, referrals that should have been done years ago that I bugged them for were dismissed until this year - going into her last year and obviously long waiting times. Because she caused no problems in the clsss she’s ignored, compared to some children are quite disruptive

her poor mental health has been dismissed, they say she’s fine there. They don’t see her sobbing before and after school, not being able to sleep etc.

she calls school a prison… yet because she masks so heavily they don’t see how much she’s struggling.

It’s a tricky one for teachers because a lot of kids are nervous about the residential but ultimately go and have a great time and it’s good for them, so I can see why they would be trying to persuade her.

But in your shoes I would now email (class teacher, whoever is in charge of the trip plus senco) and say you have made a decision that she will not be going as you do not believe she will enjoy or benefit from this given her additional needs. Tell them flat out that the matter is now closed and you do not give permission for her to go, so there should be no more discussions with your daughter about this.

And btw - join the Facebook group “fine in school” if you haven’t already, it’s very useful for high maskers.

Of course it isn’t for all kids. Resilience is bandied about alot these days - often by people who have little themselves or because systems have so little resilience.

No way would I send her in your shoes. Not just because its obvious she won't enjoy it... but because I only allow my children to stay overnight places where I trust the adults.