3rd baby - overwhelmed!

[worriedaboutrash]

Hi all, posting for advice for other mums who’ve survived the trenches of a 3rd newborn! Sorry for the length! We welcomed gorgeous, placid, gentle baby number 3 four weeks ago. For context, 2 other children are 6 and 4.

But help!! Baby is mostly awake 10pm-3am, then 5-7am so I am averaging 2/3 hours sleep a night and exhausted. Baby is BF through night, but also is congested, so there’s been a few projectile vomits that needed changed, or just posetting that’s required a few babygrow changes during night which wakes baby up and the cycle starts again.

DH does what he can during night to help. He then gets the other 2 up for school at 7, does breakfast, uniform and does the school run at 8.30am. Regardless of sleep, I get up at 8am to give them a cuddle, do their hair, and wave them goodbye (they would be so upset if I slept on and they didn’t get to see me in morning).

I quickly grab a shower when they leave (assuming baby sleeping), then it’s change and feed baby for first school pick up at 11.30. Home, get both fed and changed, another BF before leaving, and out for second school pickup at 2pm.

2-5pm - afternoon/evening is relentless then. Snack older two, feeding and changing baby, attempt to supervise homework/listen to reading. The 2 older ones want me so much - to play, help with whatever they’re doing, etc - and I just can’t give them enough time as baby is crying or I’m dashing out to washing machine to keep on top of laundry. Once DH home at 5pm he cooks dinner, I do their baths etc and then bedtime. Older two used to start bedtime routine at 7pm - read stories, foot massage etc, and gently asleep at 7.30. Now they have to wait on baby to be fed and it’s a rush up the stairs at 8pm/8.30 some nights. They are so tired from losing sleep but we just can’t seem to manage the 7pm bedtime anymore. They are watching alot more CBeebies than I would like too.

Once everyone is asleep, it’s a quick dash downstairs to have a cup of tea, fold laundry, etc and then I head upstairs about 9pm where the nighttime cycle starts again!

Sorry for how long this is…my question is…how do I survive this exhaustion? I am getting no housework done at all which is getting me down, apart from putting on washes. DH is trying his best. I feel total guilt for the older two who seem sad at the new arrival as they can’t have my attention.

Next week DH has to go back to his earlier work pattern meaning I have to take over the morning school run. I don’t see how I will ever manage to get them all out the door by 8.30am given it’s taking me and baby until 10.30am to get showered and ready now. I’m already sleep deprived and the thought of losing that hour’s sleep between 7-8am makes me cry!

Family have offered to do school pick-ups which we tried a few times but children were sad that mummy wasn’t there and this change to routine unsettled them further. I still have things in my hospital bag that are unpacked as I just can’t get time to go up and sort it out. New baby presents are piling in and I can’t get time to sort them out or sort returns for bigger sizes.

I can’t even get out the door for a coffee with baby as the day is just relentless with getting ready, 2 school runs and the evening routine. I drove past some people walking their dog yesterday and cried in the car for how relaxed their day looked!

Oh goodness. Congrats on baby number three! It’s still really early days. I think being exhausted is normal I’m afraid. I’m not sure there are any magic tips to help other than getting help in either paid or a helpful family member or friend.
It’s hard not to catch yourself wishing time away. I know I did sometimes. It all changes so quickly though. You just get through it one way or another. Hopefully your baby will fall into a better sleeping routine soon. It sounds tough at the moment.

Do you have any friends at the kids school who could drop the kids home for you?

I do, but the issue is the kids have been so upset when I haven’t been there for pickup so it’s important that I’m there for them.

Thank you for getting back to me, I really appreciate someone hearing me! My mum comes over every night for half an hour, discreetly does a quick tidy up, folds a wash and takes home a basket of ironing to do so she’s been amazing support (which makes me feel utterly useless).

Yes I’m trying not to wish this time away. It’s a relentless slog but at the same time I’m crying at putting away the ‘up to 1 month’ babygrows knowing this is our last baby!

I just expected this effortless ‘the third baby just fits in’ smooth transition, I never expected it to be so intense. And of course that makes me feel guilty for giving out!

That’s brilliant that your Mum comes and helps too. That’s lovely for the kids too. I guess the new baby coinciding with the new school year might be making your older kids a teeny bit more needy. I had my kids close together and although it’s hard at first it was definitely the best decision for us in the long run. My kids are adults now but I still appreciate my sleep.

Hope you have a good day!

Can you get a cleaner?

I would let husband do the bare minimum jobs in the evening to reset for the next day and let the baby cluster feed on the sofa or in bed from after older DC bedtime until you all go to bed. That should get you a bit more sleep at a reasonable time. It's early days and it will get easier. X

We get through, because you do, I had 4, breast fed second for 15 months because it was the only thing that settled him..in the 70s 80s maternity leave was 6 weeks after the birth. I remember breast feeding him, eating a cold meal with one hand and I actually hallucinated,I was so tired.. I didn't have any family close by to help at all. DS always seemed to need a feed just when we had the quite long walk to school, that was fun! I was feeding every 2 hours at night,he took so long the next one was practically due. I look back,think I must have been wonder woman, and I went on to have 2 more..

I have 3 - when my youngest was born the other two were 2.5 and 7, so a slightly different dynamic. I do remember that when the 2.5 started nursery at 3, doing the two pick ups were hell with naps. I can relate to your post in so many ways.

What is babies sleep like during the day? My middle DC was appalling day and night and just wouldn't sleep. I got a kari-me sling and did naps in that. I used to get so much more done that way. Once the day time sleep was sorted, the night time sleep improved - although she did struggle through developmental leaps.

Can you try slightly raising the crib at the head end during the night? It might help with the sickness and also congestion. Also try a vicks plug in.

You're 10000% in the fog of not being able to think and being consumed by the impossible. You're being so hard on yourself about the housework etc, but it's impossible to see that when you're stuck in it. At the end of the day the housework needs doing and it's impossible to see how - i was the same.

New rules. Sleep when baby does sleep. Shower in the evening after older two go to bed and DH is around. DH does homework in the mornings and reading is as bedtime. Sort dinner in the morning- slow cooker, or pull something out of freezer to defrost, so do easy things- soup, scrambled eggs on toast, jackets etc. Meal plan and arrange click and collect/delivery on your phone will feeding baby. Get people to pick DC up from school twice a week- explain to DC that if that happens then when they get home you will spend time with them doing X and you will have more time for them. Compulsory housework at the weekend. One load of washing goes on timer every night to start the next morning. Maybe 4yo would like to help hang/fold it while you make lunch. Maybe 4yo would like to help make lunch. Delegating and multi tasking is key. Now is an excellent time for them to start having their own chores. Life skills!

Try to look at this as one season of life that will quickly change. I know it feels forever when you're in the eye of the storm. Keep changing your routines until they work. Really look at the time you have and what works best when. If it's not working then it might work better somehow else.

Also look up Dr Harvey Karp 5 S's. He helped with my second and was a godsend. Side, such, swaddle, shhh and swing. Also mums on YouTube with lots of kids - top tips!

Thinking of you and sending ☕️💐.

It is really hard, so try not to let the mess bother you. For us, when we had our third, the older ones were 4 and 2. The slow cooker for dinner was essential as we could throw it on, ignore it, and it was ready to feed everyone in the evening. We quite often did a whole chicken in it, then I used a steamer on a timer to automatically do veg / rice to go with it. The keep warm function meant I could feed kids at 5 when they were ravenous, then husband at 7ish when kids were in bed. I put the older two in the same room, with a trundle bed in the middle so I could do an evening feed of the baby while reading their stories and then even sit there for a bit while they fell asleep. Not easy, but we survived.

When I had 3 with two pick ups it was hell. DH really stepped up. Before leaving for work he'd do the pack lunches and put dinner in slow cooker. Put a load in the washing machine. Get kuds unifirm laid out. Then when he'd come home after we had dinner he'd tidy the kitchen put dishwasher on and put the two to bed. Then make lunch for next day. While I cluster fed on sofa. The two got used to it pretty quickly. While they are this little lower the expectations. Messy house is fine.

Can your DH stay up for an extra hour to reset the house so it's less stressful for you?

Are you in the UK? 11.30am (presumably pre school?) and 2pm seem very early for pick ups. Can you change this at all?

I think don't go down regardless of sleep at 8am to say goodbye to the kids. My DH starts work early so never sees them in the morning. It's absolutely fine.

You're in one of the hardest phases of your life and desperately need sleep. It won't be forever. Sleep when you can!

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your lovely, empathetic replies. I expected to be scolded so it was nice to have some advice from people who have also survived this phase. You are so right - this is « one season of life that will quickly change » and I don’t mean to wish it away. I guess I’m just struggling with the intensity of the transition and wondering when it starts to get easier. Everything just feels so heightened. I wish a messy house wasn’t upsetting me as much but it adds to the ‘out of control’ feelings. There’s just no time at all in the day to breathe, be present and enjoy the moment. Just feel like I’m drowning.

Yes in the UK and unfortunately can’t change the pick-up times. One pick-up would be manageable but two in the afternoon makes it feel like such a slog, rather than a good achievement if that makes sense.

Another hectic day here and the older DC away to bed late again, with me feeling utter sadness that I hardly get nurturing them at all now. They are feeling it.

no advise just solidarity, I also just had dc3 4 weeks ago, and we have a 7 year old and 3 year old.
baby exclusively breastfed, won’t sleep unless on me so we’re doing safe co-sleeping otherwise I would have zero sleep.
I almost could have written your post,
just wanted to let you know you’re not alone

Evrrything feels so much harder past 7pm. Once it gets dark I feel total dread and anxiety about anything and everything! How are you finding the school runs @DollyMixers ?

I’m at a similar stage too - 4, 2 and 7 months, and still getting used to juggling the school and nursery runs which inevitably are a pain in the backside with naps.

I think if you can have that extra hour in bed in the morning it would really help - when my littlest was born we had a few weeks where I hardly saw my big ones in the morning as DH sorted them and left for nursery while I caught up on some sleep, and it made the world of difference for me. Could you write a little note/draw a little picture for them to read on the way to school in the morning so they know you’re thinking of them, and are excited to see them later?

I wonder as well whether changing how the bedtime routine looks might be helpful, maybe feeding the baby while you’re reading stories, or you could even all cuddle up together while you’re feeding and listen to an audiobook? It sounds like attending to the baby’s needs is delaying bedtime, so if you could try and attend to baby during bedtime it would hopefully help it run more to time.

Paying for some help could also be an option if it’s in your budget?

So much of it is trial and error, and just seeing what helps - it does go quickly but it’s really challenging while you’re doing it!

Congratulations on your new baby OP!

Mine are 4, 3 and 6 months. I definitely now feel like the baby has “just slotted in”, and I’ve felt like this for some time - although I definitely wouldn’t have said that when he was just a few weeks old!

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I think things will improve quite quickly and dramatically for you! You’re at a very difficult stage, still trying to get to grips with everything, and you’ve got the new school year to contend with. Keep doing what you’re doing and getting through each day. I am sure that within a few weeks you’ll be looking back to where you are now and thinking to yourself that things are loads better. ❤️

Mine are 6, 4 and 8 months so I hear you!! Ive just gone to one pick up which is so much easier with naps as middle has started reception.

All I can say is hang on in there, my three now play together for stretches in that post school madness and it's bliss! You are in such early days, you sound like a great mum balancing all their needs. Make sure you do some skin to skin sling or cluster feeding on the sofa with a packet of biscuits! You need rest and I honestly can't even remember those early weeks now and I wish I could!

We've all been there, it feels hard because it is hard and you will get through it. Three is such a wonderful number of children!

I think the whole ‘the third one just fits in’ is for when they are older…. The newborn breastfeeding stage with 2 older ones is brutal and relentless! You are doing amazing OP. Don’t worry about the house…. I’m still trying to get on top of mine years later! I’ve accepted once they move out I might have a clean tidy house again but that’s a long way off ❤️

By the time I had my younger DC I was home edding otherwise it would have been murder.

Can your mum cuddle the baby for half an hour instead of the housework? Then you can give your older children some attention.

Could a childminder do one of the pickups? Your DC would honestly adjust even though you want to understandably do this yourself.

Could you get a mother’s help/friendly teenager to come and play with children or push baby round the block or something?

Honestly although this phase is intense it will pass soon.

My advice is...feed baby whilst the other two are in the bath.
No stories at bedtime read them stories whilst feeding baby in the afternoon on sofa.
No need to fold clothes. You don't need smart clothes nor do kids. Big pile of clean clothes you dip into. Clean uniforms don't need ironing nor do baby clothes.
Leave most of the washing until the weekend perhaps ?
Get someone to pick up the kids in morning and afternoon for two weeks!!!! This seems to be your biggest hurdle worrying about older ones but honestly if you are rested you will be able to give them attention after school from 2 to 5pm.
Also homework and reading - do what is humanly possible but maybe your mum could take over this instead of the ironing??
Could you change to afternoon nursery session for the 4 year old ? That might mean you get an afternoon nap. It's difficult to go back to sleep in the morning I found.

At the moment you are still running on adrenalin but you are a risk of serious burnout if you don't let some standards slip and your children just want you, not the established routine they won't mind if you are upstairs putting them to bed and everything's a mess downstairs and you are feeding the baby in a dressing gown.

Your husband being back at 5pm is an absolute godsend but you shouldn't use that help to do the things as youve always done but for crisis management!

Continued thanks for taking the time to reply.
@3inabedandthelittleonesaid it’s good to know that in a few weeks you think it’ll be easier, and hopeful that by 6 months baby just slots in! Breastfeeding has become effortless now on the right side, just over the last few days. That is helping as I’m not in pain on that side and am enjoying those feeds. The left side is still badly cracked and bleeding so hopefully when that’s healed things won’t feel as overwhelming

How do I reverse days and nights? We’re awake now every night 10pm-5am - baby constantly looking fed or posetting/needing changed. I can’t survive on 2hrs sleep!! Baby is 5 weeks now

Oh OP, 3 is so bloody hard!!
I don't have advice really, just wanted to reassure you that it's not you, so please make sure you're not hard on yourself about it.

No idea if any of this will work but this is what I tried in the early days. Lots of outdoor sunlight as it gives them melatonin or something which promotes nighttime sleep. Cut day naps so maybe drop an afternoon nap if they have one and make sure they aren’t having the majority of their sleep during the day. I’d get the Huckleberry app and start to track/ understand more about their sleep cycles and ideal lengths of nap. Feed them up in the day so they’re not doing the main feeding during the night. But ultimately they are still very young so might be a while before you start getting much sleep at night. I think you need to accept this new reality and get childcare during the day. You can’t be awake all night parenting a child, and then awake all day parenting. Your older kids will just have to get used to it for now. Just make the time you do have more quality. Also get a cleaner or a load of cook ready meals. Simplify as much as possible, spend some days in bed feeding and dozing. Good luck with it though, sounds really hard x

I had my third when others were 3 and 2.
You are doing amazingly.
Please step back from the guilt over the older 2. Your DH is managing mornings. He is their parent and as good as you for them. He can do their hair. They can visit you on bed for a cuddle, why are you getting up! Whilst he is able to hold that, stay in bed. The older ones will be fine. Honestly, they won't remember.
Similarly allow others to pick them up and drop home. At least once a week. Again they will be fine.
And just look ahead to half term, I would tackle babies sleep then. Just survive until then for now.