Preteen is so nasty to us

[Stardust127]

Hi all

please be kind 🙂

I’m 18 weeks pregnant and also have a 12 year old and a 1 year old. My eldest loves her brother and is excited about the new baby, so that’s not an issue.

her dad and I separated years ago and we have a very friendly co parenting relationship. We are both remarried and we all communicate often to support DD’s best interests. It’s as good as a blended family can get. She is well provided for financially and otherwise by us all and my DH and I take her out all the time and spend quality time with her. I take her out shopping just the two of us or whatever she wants often.

she cannot handle being told off. Or not getting her way. For simple things, that require a simple ‘okay, I’m sorry’ she explodes and is so, so nasty to us. She calls me ‘mate’ sarcastically when being told off and calls my husband dhead, c and often tells us to f* off.

Yesterday she was walking around with the 1 year old then just left him alone without telling either of us. We don’t expect her to look after him but at least tell us when she’s leaving if she’s playing with him in a different room. We told her off and she blew off the handle basically saying she doesn’t care he was alone and it’s not her problem that she left him. All I’ve asked is for her to tell us when they’ve finished playing. She pushed me out the way when I tried talking to her. As mentioned, I’m pregnant with a visible bump.

She has always been like this and lies and manipulates constantly unless in that very moments things are being bought for her or she’s being taken out. Her bio dad and I have 50/50 custody, for reference.

please help , I don’t know what to do any more

Hi OP. I’m sorry sounds like a really difficult place to be. For clarity what do you mean by “she lies and manipulates constantly”?
Are there consequences to her bad behaviour?Im also wondering where she has heard that kind of language?

She’s 12. She’s still a child. Just because she’s 11-12 years older than the babies you decided to have / will have with your DH doesn’t change that. Have you actually asked her what’s wrong privately between the two of you? My guess is she probably probably feels you weren’t as good of a parent to her as you are to the younger ones.

Think about it from her perspect - they (her siblings) get a home. While she has to be carted off for 50% of the week and lose touch with friends / her social life / her room / her privacy while both her parents and their families don’t need to do that. You need to ask her if 50/50 is working for her, need to ask how school is, and you may need to openly ask her if she wants to live in one house for 100% of the time on a trial basis and just have visits with the other parent. She’s old enough that she needs some control over her life.

Sounds like there is something else going on. Take her out for a hot chocolate and have a chat. It may be school ..