Struggling with behaviour (5yo) and school resistance

[TealGreen4321]

I'm struggling with my son's behaviour and wondering if it's time to seek some additional help, and if so, where to look.

He's 5, nearly 6, and is in Y1 at school. He's very bright, sweet, inquisitive, funny and has excellent verbal and reading skills. He's generally doing well at school, although seems to struggle with things that require coordination or memory of sequences, such as PE or learning songs.

However, he has always been INCREDIBLY strong willed at home, and resistant to being told to do anything he doesn't want to do. Everything is a battle. Up until he turned 4.5, his tantrums were explosive and would last up to an hour of screaming. He has them less frequently these days, but when they happen they're really extreme. They've been happening more frequently since term started.

Since starting Y1, he's been resistant to going in and often flat out refuses to go with the teacher and other kids. Apparently he's fine once he's inside, but he cannot deal with the transition and saying goodbye to me. This morning was particularly bad. He kept trying to run away from the teacher, and hit me (which he's never done before).

There's a lot more I could write but will stop as this is getting long. Just not sure if this is normal, and how to help a very strong willed child regulate his emotions and cope with the transition into school each day.

I do also wonder if he might have dyspraxia, which could be a cause of some of this.

Have you had any conversations about him being neurodiverse? Like ADHD or ASD? Sounds possible.

It's definitely on my mind. I've looked at the checklists for ADHD and ASD and he doesn't seem to neatly fit the criteria for those, although I know that doesn't rule it out.

I've asked the school for a meeting with his teacher and have requested some input at the meeting from someone who can help with possible SEN

One of my DC was like this in Yr 1 and half of Yr 2. It was heartbreaking at times. For us it was separation anxiety, but DC is also on the waiting list for ASD assessment. We got through it by keeping a really consistent routine, lots of planning ahead/preparing for transitions and got support from teachers at school so DC could do a half day when anxiety was really bad. We stopped going to clubs and maximised unstructured/quiet family time at the weekends.

We got a childminder to do school dropoffs and pickups as well. The separation from me to childminder was easier for me, and then separation from childminder to school was easier for DC. Days when I did school dropoff were far more stressful for me and DC than days when childminder did it.

Thank you so much, it's helpful to hear from others who've been through the same, although I'm sorry to hear you've had a tough time with this.

Although we can't get a childminder at the moment, I agree that would definitely help. Even his dad dropping off is better than me. But then again, it's good to be consistent, and DH can't do it every day.

Is it the playground drop off he finds stressful? ie would he prefer to go to the school office and do the transition there? or maybe come in 10 mins late when the hustle and bustle has calmed down? Definitely work with school as my nephew was like this (he's 9 now) and his behaviour escalated when moving to a new junior sch for year 3 and having trashed a classroom and had a meltdown involving attacking a teacher he is only allowed in that school now 1.5 days per week. Try and nip it in the bud early doors if you can and get the sch to ask Ed Psychologist to come in & assess him (could take months) & chat to SENco in sch too.

It could very well be ADHD , emotional regulation and transitions are a massive part of it that aren't talked about as much as other symptoms, it's also often comorbid with dyspraxia and dyslexia.
Both my son and I have ADHD and this sounds a lot like him in Yr 1.
THAT SAID not every struggle is a sign of SEN, the transition from reception (early years curriculum) to Yr 1 (key stage 1) in the UK is harsh!! My daughter was the belle of nursery and reception, clever and loved it and even she struggled for a while in year 1, started saying she didn't like school and didn't want to go. The amount of play based learning drops significantly for desk time! With some early nights and lots of love and reassurance, she got over it, so it could just be a settling in phase.

Have you tried putting him in breakfast club? This massively helped one of the mums as the school, her son goes in happily to breakfast club where before he would scream, kick and lash out at normal drop off time.

Might be worth a try.

What did his nursery say. How was he there? Some times kids struggle with school work sitting listening etc as nursery has little to no structure.

I believe memory for sequences and tasks comes under executive functioning skills which are often affected by ND so that might be a possibility. Also as others have said have you tried asking school for slight adjustment of going in time? I take my DC 10mins after most others and it has helped massively as it’s not as crowded and it’s just handing over to one staff member instead of waiting amongst other children/their parents.

Definitely the right step speaking to the senco. If you can afford it, look at a private educational psychologist. My son has dyspraxia, and likely autism, he was diagnosed by a provide occupational therapist for the dyspraxia. It's very much impacted his motor skills, desire to write and ability to complete school work that matches his intelligence/understanding. It does have an impact on emotional regulation, organisation, general executive functioning but he also has autistic traits which sounds similar to what you're describing (finding change difficult, needing routine,finding certain environments difficult).
We found a visual timetable and very fixed routine helped with things. So he can really picture, first brealfast, then dressed etc etc. He can then work through the transition/leaving you in his head in detail, and you can discuss how he might feel at that point as he visaulises it.
If its dyspraxia, his teacher would likely have seen a resistance to write, fine and gross motor issues, a dislike and ability to do pe etc (perhaps not all evident yet, but certainly some of them) as its very much diagnosed based on the motor skills and coordination issues with the executive functioning and sensory issues also being there but not part of the key diagnosis. The diagnoses testing for dyspraxia was lots of throwing, catching, threading, balancing and spacial awareness tests.

Thank you. Yes the playground drop off is definitely stressful as it's noisy and the teachers are preoccupied managing the line and not really able to give the support he needs. I've booked a meeting with his teacher later this week to talk about strategies for making the transition calmer.

Occasionally he spots a friend and runs in happily, so I think linking up with a friend on the way in might also be a way forward.

Ive been where you are with school drop off. We had to take our 5 year old to school while he was kicking and screaming every day. He also was having meltdowns and escaping. He was in the process of being diagnosed with autism, ADHD and PDA. We had to move school as he was getting no support and mentally he was in a bad place. When we started him at a new school I had a keyring made up of a photo of him and myself and attached it to his bag as he was really struggling to be away from me. The school also suggested that he take a hat or scarf belonging to me. He then could cuddle it or wear it if he was missing me. It worked for him and he now goes into school happy most days.

Yes it's hard to know whether it's just the extreme end of "typical" 5yo behaviour or a sign of SEN.

But I think it's time to stop trying to guess on my own, and ask for a bit of help figuring it out.

That transition from Reception to Year 1 is definitely tough, as you say! He actually enjoys the learning and is doing pretty well once he's in the classroom, but I know there might also be an element of masking his feelings at school which then come out at home.

Thank you all so much for the helpful replies. I've collected him from school and have a 3yo at home too so probably won't be able to reply again until this evening. But I really do appreciate it.

I found the book "raising my spirited child" really helpful when we were on the fence between strong willed and sensitive v ADHD

Mum of five and survived, if I can help in any way I will.

I can see you have said asd has been on your mind. Have you ever heard of PDA (pathological demand avoidance), the strong willed and bright parts of your post made me think of this. We have had very similar experiences with our younger child, understanding what PDA was and that this was part of their profile helped. It can be so hard. I think seeking some further support is a good idea, even just to help you ‘sound out’ some of what you see / feel when the challenge is daily.

So many helpful ideas and suggestions here, thank you all. I'm glad I posted this, as we've just been struggling along assuming things would get better on their own

The suggestion of PDA is interesting. A lot of it sounds very familiar. Will look into that more.

Love the idea of a photo keyring too.

I hope it’s helpful. https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda/ Has some good information and strategies that you could try, seeing how he responds might be insightful. I forgot to add I am sorry you had such a tough morning.

Hello OP

You've had lots of helpful suggestions already but I just wanted to through something else into the mix, just in case it's helpful.

Some years ago now, my family used https://bussmodel.org to help one of my children with dyspraxia-type difficulties. It made a huge difference. It's mainly physical (sort of physio-cum-play) approach which is designed to help children who have (for whatever reason) missed out on some important building blocks in their sensory and motor development. If it hadn't been for someone else, I woundn't have thought this was the right thing for him, but it turned out it was.

I guess I thought of it as you mentioned the possible dyspraxia, but also because emotional regulation difficulties and the need to control what do you/don't do can also be linked to a lack of feeling bodily/sensory security. My child also experienced those difficulties at the age your boy is now.

You would be very welcome to message me if you wanted to ask any questions. Good luck with finding something that helps - I think it's great that you are exploring stuff now. With hindsight I think I spent too long hoping things would get better of their own accord (which they kind of did for a while, until new challenges came along which made things worse again and I had to do something.)

I second the breakfast club suggestion if possible. One of my DC classmates cried every single drop off until the teacher suggested that, and she strolls on to BC no problem at all! As the children don't all arrive at the same time it's much calmer.

Thank you @Sandrose, I hadn't heard of this but will take a good look. It's good to hear that it worked for your child.

Unfortunately we do have the same issues with dropping off at breakfast club. Although if we time it with going in at the same time as a friend he (usually) runs in without a backward glance! That's what we'll be trying to do today - fingers crossed!