My daughter thinks both of us need to lose some weight.

[concernmamabear]

My daughter doesn't need to lose weight. I could afford to lose some weight. My daughter is 146 lb at 5 feet 6 inches tall. Two different pediatricians said she doesn't need to lose weight. They both said that her unusual amount of muscle mass, by teenage girl standards, makes up for her being above the healthy BMI. Her primary pediatrician told me to make sure that my daughter doesn't try to lose weight. She said that unless done correctly, my daughter will likely lose a lot of muscle mass instead of body fat.

Me, I'm 179 lb at 5 feet 7 inches, and I have an average amount of muscle mass. I'm overweight but not obese. I could afford to lose some weight but I have no plans to.

My daughter thinks both of us needs to lose weight. She thinks she has a belly. There is a bugle but it press on it you feel the muscle underneath.

There is an awkward feeling explaining to her that she's not overweight when I'm overweight. I also don't want to explain to her why I don't want to lose weight. I want her to be healthy, physically and mentally.

There is an awkward feeling explaining to her that she's not overweight when I'm overweight.
Why? The two aren’t related

I also don't want to explain to her why I don't want to lose weight.
Do you mean you don’t want to tell her the ~real~ reason or you just don’t want to explain yourself to her? Surely you can just say I know I’m a little overweight but I’m happy and comfortable as I am

how old is she? Has something happened to suddenly make her worry about both your weights? Can you help her see what normal people look like and work on her confidence?

How old is she?

My daughter at 16 is a size 12-14. (5ft 6in) No idea how much she weighs. She is also very muscular and has always had what we call her "powerful thighs". She's sporty and fit.

In spite of this she has always had a body image issue as she just doesn't look like the other girls her age who tend to be skinny and lean. She also has excessively large breasts (I mean very large, in potential breast reduction territory) so sometimes needs a size 16 too. she hates shopping with her friends where they pick up a couple of crop tops and tiny skirts.

She asked me if she should lose weight a few times. She's finally getting more confident just as she is but it's taken some time and a lot of support from her netballing aunts and cousin who are also her coaches and larger ladies. Thank god for positive role models!

(I am also overweight and I'm not absolutely avoiding the subject with my girls as some seem to think we should as I want them to know that it's not healthy and it's ok to want to eat better and be fitter).

She's 13 years old. I thought I wrote it but I did not.

Have you ever heard the phrase, do as I say not as I do ?
I feel like a bad role-model for health and a bad feminist if I tell her why I'm not losing the weight.

She just started high school, she's in grade 9. New people around her.

A couple of possibilities.
She can see you are quite overweight. Possibly she's being kind and including herself to try and encourage you to lose weight?
Or, herself, 10.5 stone at 5'6" is quite heavy so maybe she's comparing with friends?

She’s 13, you don’t let a 13 year old dictate what you do. You’re in charge of her for now

Why don’t you want to lose weight?

Okay, I know this sentiment isn't popular in female majority spaces and I will try to lose weight if my health really demands it.

My husband would prefer if I didn't lose the weight. He's not forcing me, I'm in control of my decisions.

My daughter is 13 and very sporty. I can't think of a woman who can be a role model for her. Her teammates, and coach are thin.

I'm active but maybe not active enough for her standards.

Wow! I can see why you don’t want to tell her that!

Some people may tell me to just lie to her.

I would hope that I can be able to talk to her about important topics without lying to her.

But if you don't want to lose weight then there is no 'do as I say not as I do' if you're not going to be doing it?

But if you do want/need to lose weight just go about doing so. You don't need to announce it explicitly to your daughter. Surely she won't just blindly copy everything you eat? Most 13 year olds want to do the opposite of what their mum does.

Lots of teens feel insecure about their body or size, it's very normal. Just reassure her she has high muscle mass and is a healthy weight. And keep supplying hearty meals and plenty of snacks.

Good advice.

Outside of her health, she's also thinking about her looks. She wonders if she's pretty enough.

Why have you seen two paediatricians about her weight? Does she do weights or something to have so much muscle mass?

There was an interesting article recently with some of the red roses rugby team about body image issues, how some of these incredible women felt they were big. I'll see if I can find it but if you're looking for athletic women who have body types that don't conform to 'standard beauty' ideals then it might be an interesting read..especially as they just won the world cup 😊

Um wow. Are you in a cult? Or is it a weird sex thing

Why have you seen consultants

its important for you to have a healthy bmi for longevity

the trick to not loosing muscle mass is eating more protein, remaining fit and taking weight loss steady.

But you haven’t said why you can’t tell her
‘I don’t want to, I’m happy as I am’
That isn’t a lie, unless you’re not happy as you are?
it’s not that you’re a bad feminist if you tell her the real reason, it’s that you’d be giving her some quite unusual ideas about who’s opinions on her body matter most. I’d say it’s better not to share your actual reasons with her.

Poor lass. It's rough being a teenager.

I think it's good you don't want to lose weight. Then there is no conflict. You just say 'but DD, I don't want to lose weight. And all the doctors say you don't need to lose weight. I think we should just carry on as we are.' And repeat.

It could actually be good for her to see that you are happy with your body, couldn't it? I mean, you say you are overweight, not morbidly obese and about to pop your clogs. As a society, we have a terrible habit of making health the excuse for having a pop at overweight women. But if you were (say) having a large glass of wine with Sunday dinner, or admitting you'd rather pull your hair out that do a five-mile jog of a morning, those things would look like choices. Perhaps not the ultimate, most-healthy-ever choices, but just things normal people decide, because most of us are not trying to be the epitome of health. We are balancing health with other things, like living a busy life, or wanting the odd small pleasure, or whatever else.

I also think - maybe unfashionably? - that it's not a bad idea to teach your daughter to have boundaries about commenting on your weight. Lots of women have mothers who commented on their weight, and it's horrible. Equally, your daughter shouldn't be harping on about this point if you've made it clear you are comfortable in your body. It isn't her business.

Thank you. Sounds very normal. Reassurance is key. And reminding her that it's most important what's inside, and being strong and healthy. X

So he wants you to be unhealthy?

😲

146 pounds is quite heavy for only 13 and 5’6”. I am the same height and while I was probably a few inches shorter when I was 13, I was also a good 60 pounds lighter than that even with my muscle from sports.

Considering what you’ve said about your husband’s weird views about your weight, I’m wondering if your daughter actually has a better, more accurate idea of what is healthy for her than you two do. If her teammates from the same sport do not have the same amount of “muscle” from it and your daughter isn’t secretly a bodybuilder using steroids then I’d be skeptical.

You don’t need to worry about her naturally loosing a few pounds as long as she has a healthy balanced frame of mind and doesn’t get obsessed and take it too far (become anorexic).

you all need to be healthy weights for longevity.

Her doctors have said she doesn’t need to lose weight and is healthy.

What @SarahAndQuack said.

You are happy to keep your weight to appease your husband. This is the truth and you’re embarrassed to tell her.