Lack of respect for not working

[Frockshock]

I’m currently out of work and have been for a year after decades of being a high(ish) achiever. I’ve reinvented my career once already and was earning early six figures for the last few years. It’s become a tense situation with DH as I failed to land a job immediately after finishing a lucrative contract. This was partly by choice (from
DH as well) as I felt burnt out so I did some volunteer work, then the summer holidays came (we have DC) and then the economy tanked after the election (or it did in my field).

I did not expect to be out of work for so long.

I’m also in the throes of perimenopause and am probably suffering some unsaid age and weight discrimination. I’ve tried to lose weight (only 7kg so far and lots more to go). I feel paralyzed by ‘what next’.

I have been telling DD11 today to start doing her homework promptly and she flatly refused. I’ve offered to help. She still refuses. I told DD she was lucky she was at such a great school and she should be making the most of her opportunities. She replied that it wasn’t my money that paid for it, adding I don’t contribute anything financially to the house and I’m a shit parent and don’t do anything useful. She didn’t say this in anger. She said this with a smirk on her face.

It stung as it’s sort of true. I’m truly crap around the house. I have always been crap at housework and can take an hour cleaning a kitchen only for it to look the same or worse. I get overwhelmed by practical tasks. And I’m not currently earning.

Not only do I have a DD problem but I have a DH problem.

DH outsources nearly all parenting to me as I don’t have a job. When the DC fail to do as I say or there is a row, he accuses me of shit parenting often in front of them.
DC know we are under some financial pressure thanks to me. He is resentful of this and it shows. DC have picked up on it though DS14 is more outwardly respectful (usually).

Apart from losing weight and getting a job (which I’m working on) what can I do to regain respect? And frankly why the hell should I have to as an adult in the house? I can’t be arsed with a divorce and don’t have the money to live separately for now in comfort, even if we divided everything.

@Frockshock
Oh gosh OP.
I would be seriously concerned about the values my 11 year old had and how she had been raised.
I have had periods of not working and raising my children, other times working part time.

My children are older teens/adults but have always valued me as an individual a mother and an essential member of our family, as has my husband. I could never envisage them saying something like that to me.

It sounds as if you believe she is right and probably that is why she felt it a reasonable thing to say. If you yourself feel that someone’s worth is connected to how much money they earn and also how they look, (you mention weight) then you are going to pass this on.

Separate issues really, and issues within issues.

Firstly your daughter- are you angry because she said it, or are you angry because you think she’s right? Figure that out first.

Second, your husband- it’s fair that you’re doing more house/kid stuff as not working, but he isn’t absolved of all responsibility and at the very minimum IF he is going to leave that to you then he can’t also pick at the way you parent, particularly not infront of the kids.

I’d say you need to deal with your husband issue first though because if your kids are watching him speak to you like that, hearing what he thinks and also seeing the way you view yourself, that clearly explains where their views come from and their confidence to express them.

Hey OP, I just want to say that you’re being way too hard on yourself. You’ve had a long, successful career, and you’ve reinvented yourself before. You took a break after being burned out and that’s not failure, that’s recovery. It just lasted longer than you expected, and now everything (work, family, hormones) is hitting at once. Anyone would feel stuck in your shoes.

Just a few thoughts:
Be a bit kinder to yourself. You’ve achieved loads over the years. This is just a rough patch, not the end of your story. Try to stop framing it as “I’ve failed” and think of it more like “I’m in transition.” Even setting one small goal a day like applying for a job, organising one drawer, going for a walk, etc., can help you feel back in control. Small wins really add up.

Rebuild your own confidence first. Before worrying about “earning respect” from your husband or daughter, focus on getting your self-respect back. You’ve lost a bit of that spark because of how things have unfolded. Get out of the house when you can even for coffee with someone in your field, volunteering, or going to the gym. It helps you feel like you again and reminds everyone that you’re still the same capable person underneath the stress.

Your family dynamic needs a reset. You’re right, You shouldn’t have to earn basic respect in your own home. But it sounds like everyone’s gotten used to a new (and not great) balance. Time for a calm reset.
With your DH: You could say something like, “I know this situation is stressful and I’m working to change it. But putting me down in front of the kids makes everything worse, for all of us. We need to be on the same team here.” If he’s open to it, maybe suggest couples counselling or even a short check-in session.

With your DD: She's picked up from your DH that it's ok to talk to you that way. What she said was cruel and not okay. I’d tell her calmly, “That really hurt. It’s not true that I do nothing, and it’s not okay to talk to me that way.” It’s not about lecturing her, but showing that words have weight. She’ll remember how you handled it, even if she rolls her eyes now.

Reconnect with yourself outside being a mum or job title. You’ve been defined by work and family for so long that you probably forgot what you actually enjoy. Try doing something that gives visible progress something like exercise, cooking, learning something new, or even a short course. Seeing results, even tiny ones, boosts your confidence faster than you’d think.

Don’t underestimate perimenopause. That stuff is no joke. It can mess with your mood, energy, and motivation. Talk to your GP about it. HRT or even the right supplements can make a massive difference. Plus, protein, sleep, and movement really do help. I know it sounds basic, but it’s true.

Overall, you’ve carried the load for years: financially, emotionally, everything. One bad year doesn’t erase that. This is just a blip, not the whole story. Once you start feeling steadier and more like yourself, your DH and DD will pick up on it too.

You’ve done hard things before. You’ll get through this one, too. Good luck with everything OP.

@saphiregemstone You’re right. I did always place way too much value on my first career. My second one was more a pragmatic decision - less competition but more cash. The thing is, DC do not remember me in my prime during my first career. I also had a blip in covid with redundancy when a company division closed entirely and we all lost our jobs. DC also query what the point is of working hard at their grades - like I did - when I have always earned less than DH who didn’t even graduate from university.

I know stay at home parents make a huge and equal contribution to households. I guess I’m just not skilled at housework, am a mediocre cook and lose my temper with them over reticence to do homework.

Im not sure what I add really. I am seen as a ‘cool mum’ by their friends as will joke around with them all, buy them junk food, let them stay up late etc and take an interest in school gossip when they start sharing it.

@Jellybunny56 My ‘D’H needs therapy of his own due to his terrible lack of role models (no dad). I think some of his avoidance is down to this. Some of my rage and helplessness is down to my own childhood and DV, ironically from my favourite parent.

@whiteorchids44 That’s a very kind and gentle response. Thank you. I feel understood.

You do not have a DD problem. You have only a dh problem. You are the parent and whatever your DD says to you, please don't expect an 11 year old to do anything except test boundaries. She wants to feel safe and your husband is modelling disrespect and aggression.
You valuing yourself, which is not the same as defending yourself or bargaining with who does what and who deserves what, is the first step.

Your daughter's homework shouldn't be a compliance or obedience issue. It's between school and your daughter and your job is to support her in her schoolwork not to issue orders; I'm not surprised she started arguing with you ; people do that when boxed into a corner
Teens often reject food or their parents' opinions or habits. It's a commonplace and has nothing to do with you working or not working. If you were working she would probably use a different reason to attack you (IE you are always busy and don't care about me)

I just can't believe your husband tells you you should or shouldn't work. If the household finances aren't adding up it's up for SERIOUS discussion but not the principle.

Communication between everyone needs to improve. How to Talk so Kids will listen (there is a teen version) has some good communication techniques which might actually work on your husband

Children and teens care very little about the status of their parents past or future despite what we might imagine. They really only care about the way we make them feel ..ashamed, encouraged, secure, insecure, frightened, blamed.

You absolutely deserve respect. And your DH needs to show it too so it’s not rubbinf off on your daughter.

I'd bet that your DH has been saying this to your dd

Which is a bigger problem as it demonstrates that he clearly doesn't value your contribution to the household, your relationship, or parenting your dd.