Failing as a mum

[Makingdobadly]

This post will get back lash, I am more than aware that what I’ve done is wrong and now I feel really guilty about it. Basically I am not in a good place, haven’t been for a good few years now but nothing I do seems to help… I’ve been to the drs but all they want to do is put me on anti depression tablets ( which I’ve tried and feel like they made me worse) but I’m failing at parenting. I don’t feel like I enjoy my children, I don’t want to get up in the morning for them, I’d rather lay in bed doing nothing, I just feel really uncomfortable in myself when I have to look after them, I don’t like doing it on my own it gives me a lot of anxiety, I just feel fake being around them! I love them so much even though it doesn’t sound like it, I really want the best for them and that isn’t me right now! Relationship with husband is in tatters but that’s another story!
who knew life would be so miserable! The only time I feel ok is when I’m at work. I don’t feel comfortable in my house, in myself etc..
Now this is the scary part…a few months ago I threatened to kill myself in front of the children, something happened and I just lost control, I would never of done it but in that moment I lost my mind, I don’t even know what I wanted to achieve…I was shouting and screaming that I was going to step out in front of a car and just end it! Why would I do that!! Don’t know what’s wrong with me! And the worst thing is my husband and parents have just sweeped it under the rug and it’s like nothing ever happened! Now I’ve gone back to just trying to survive each day but not really living it if I’m making sense! I know I need help but I’m not really getting it right now, I don’t know what’s the matter with me!

Please reach out for professional help OP, today if you can.

You're not failing, you need some help.

Have you tried talking therapies? You don't need to go to the GP, you can self-refer. That might be a good place for you to start.

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

You’re not failing, you desperately need some help,support and love.
This is a really hard time for you and I envisage you like a jenga block and right now all the bottom blocks are wobbly ready to fall at any minute.
Its a desperate cry for help and you can’t give anything that you simply don’t have inside to give.
please seek some outside support.
It can be supported and you can get back to a normal way of life - this is just a really dismal time for you.

I think youve been really brave making these first steps to try and get some support here too.

Hi op firstly yojr not failing your struggling .you reconise that things arnt right you just need help to get things back on track. you love your children and want to get better for them.
This could be a few things .How old are your children ? Could you have untreated pnd ?
Lots of people myself included have to try many different anti-depressants before they find one that works for them .
You should contact your gp and ask for help again you cant do this on your own .

Firstly, are you safe?

Secondly, go back to the GP. You say you tried antidepressants previously but they didn’t help - it could be that it was the wrong drug for you and a different one might help.

You aren’t a bad mum, you are struggling and there is no shame in that. If you feel that you are in crisis you can ring 111 and ask for the duty psychiatric nurse to see you in either the closest A&E or Out of Hours provision. They are usually pretty good and can often help with referrals. (Been there, done that, have the meds).

If your children are young enough that you still have access to a HV have a chat with them.

There’s also Shout - text 85258 and they will get back to you urgently. It’s a 24/7 365-day service.

Sending a hug xx

I’ve tried therapy in the past but without much success, I am safe, this was going back to earlier in the summer and I think it was more of a cry for help but nobody’s helped me 😢
so I’ve gone back to just going through the motions! And I really won’t do that again, I feel so much guilt and so shameful about that! I’ve tried the drs so many times but they never do much, just continue to want to put me on same type of anti depressants! I don’t know if I’m depressed and I’m the problem, like have I got bi polar, am I perimenopausal. I should have my shit together and on the outside I’ve got two gorgeous healthy children, can hold down a job live a relatively ok lifestyle with nice holidays, I have my physical health, I should be counting myself lucky!

Could you see if the GP Surgery has a MH champion and arrange to see them? It might be that anti-anxiety meds work better than antidepressants, or even mood regulating meds if it’s bipolar disorder (I have BPD and it’s taken years to get my meds right).

You’ll need a blood test to see if you’re peri-menopause; keep a diary of your periods & moods as that will also help & if you are in PM then HRT might help. Red Clover is a natural help, as is evening primrose, and sometimes a magnesium supplement.

I would suggest a vitamin B supplement too as that can also affect mood & energy levels.

Hugs

I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time at the moment. You’re NOT failing at parenting at all.

Firstly, forgive yourself.

Tomorrow morning, call your GP and request blood tests to rule out hormonal imbalances and thyroid issues and deficiencies. Although they may not be the cause, they can drastically worsen and trigger symptoms.

Access a private therapist. CBT specialists can be exceptionally helpful with the feelings you’ve described. You don’t have to commit to one, most offer free exploration sessions and you can keep going until you find one that fits.