Playground survival tips for kids

[Alfreda]

Mentioned this elsewhere: this is a bit long, apologies.

My son in yr 5, apparently doing well and happy at school; blew up big time last weekend, actually very unhappy, lonely and feeling worthless. Other lads in playground tease a little, won't play with him and he spends a lot of time alone at breaktimes. Not as far as I know overt bullying, certainly nothing physical, but unkindness and indifference and sometimes snide remarks from classmates. If he was a girl I'd call it bitchiness.
This started around 2 years ago: at the time his Dad and the school made a lot of effort to try to help him with it, and things seemed to settle with a new school year and a slightly different peer group. Now he tells me they never really settled but he felt there was nothing that could be done, and didn't want school to single him out as someone needing help (as that caused him further teasing) or Dad to ask him to name names etc so he just pretended everything was OK.
He doesn't want me to tell anyone (including his Dad) and while I don't like this I feel if I break his trust he will stop confiding and then he has no-one to turn to. I am trying to persuade him to tell his Dad but no luck so far.
So I am left with having promised I would have periodic chats with him about playground survival, and we started these tonight at bed time. Lesson 1: it's all about power, don't give them power over you.
But it's a bit difficult since I am not 100% clear exactly who is the worst of them and what the dynamic is in the playground: hard to get him to be clear.

All the books on raising boys seem to be about parent/child interaction rather than facilitating kids in their own space. Anyone got any tips?

Should mention I am the working partner, and Dad stays home and does the kids stuff, and is a school governor and the works. For son's first 3 days back at school after half term I will be at a conference 300 miles from home

Some books that might help (sorry, I can't do links):

Bullies, Bigmouths and so called friends: www.bookdepository.co.uk/WEBSITE/WWW/WEBPAGES/showbook.php?id=0340911840

This is one he could read himself but I've always found it best to read the age-appropriate ones together first and then let them browse through as and when. This will probably help him quite a lot as it has self-help strategies and ideas for blending in, and appropriate responses.

For you and your dh to read:

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship:
www.bookdepository.co.uk/WEBSITE/WWW/WEBPAGES/showbook.php?id=0316917303

Easi ng the Teasing:
www.bookdepository.co.uk/WEBSITE/WWW/WEBPAGES/showbook.php?id=0071381759

Tbh I preferred Bullies Bigmouths because it's so non-nonsense, doesn't assume that if you're kind to other people they'll be kind to you, and doesn't just tell children to ignore people who are being mean to them - that's not how it works in real life. Instead it helps children to work out the problems for themselves and find the right strategies for dealing with difficult situatiosn with or without the help of an adult.

Hope that helps.

Thanks so much Karen: ordered on Amazon this am, will report back..

The books sound a good idea. Have you tried inviting children to tea or to go swimming etc out of school? He might get on better on a one to one basis. Does he do much out of school? Has he got a special interest where he could join and make friends, something to give him confidence?

He has always had "friends" round, goes to cubs, swims, is in a football team, etc. I think his peer group at school are pretty dysfunctional, but he interacts well with other kids in most situations. He's also doing well at school, so it's hard to put a finger on just what isn't working.
Anyway, I got back this evening, he seems OK although says he's had "a bit" of hassle this week. Book not here yet, we'll work through it together when it comes.

Oh dear. He's had a tough day. Two of the little shits were very unkind in the playground, he played football but nobody passed him the ball, at all, and he couldn't think of a single good thing that happened to him today.
He's reading through the book but I think like a lot of kids thought it would involve more magic and less putting up with it than it does.
I'm finding it heartbreaking. Don't know whether to speak to the other boys' parents or would that make it worse, have a quiet word with the boys themselves: ditto, try to persuade son to tell school, have a quiet word with teach without his knowledge., probably not a good idea....but this is so corrosive.
I'm going to keep a diary of bullying events anyway, and try to get him to make a point of remembering what good things happen in a day. Otherwise I'm a bit stumped, we don't get much time to talk about it because his little sister feels left out and is always earwigging which starts WW3....

I really feel for you, the problem I have being girls it is bitchy, but as an adult you feel an idiot going to the school and saying they aren't talking to/playing with her, it's not like the school can make them.
I've done the friends back until i'm blue in the face but the other parents make no effort and in my experience they are worse than the kids, at least you can make excuses for the children.
Grrrr I bloody hate school more now than when I was in the playground myself.