Really don't like my kids much right now. Please help!

[HalfWomanHalfFish]

I need a good talking to, some coping strategies or possibly both. I'm at my wits end right now and feeling so down/depressed.

I'm a lone parent to seven year old twins and right now I am finding absolutely zero pleasure in parenting them. Their behaviour seems to have nosedived recently and I don't know what to do to improve it. They have gotten so cheeky, don't listen to me, winge and moan constantly and just frankly go on in a ridiculous fashion a large majority of the time.

For example I met a friend with them go get them some shoes and do some clothes shopping yesterday. They were constantly giggling, messing about, talking loudly in cafe etc. Interspersed with moaning about their legs aching, being tired etc. In the end I just got the shoes and came home. All I was doing was correcting their behaviour and we were all having a shit time.

I'm also having no luck cultivating hobbies for them. I see other kids their age going to clubs etc and how proud the parents are. Am I selfish for wanting that for myself? I have a horse so I bought them a pony hoping they'd take an interest. My son doesn't like riding and half the time my daughter isn't interested either. The pony is completely wasted on them. My son expressed an interest in acting but when I took him to a class he didn't like it. My daughter wanted to do dance but then didn't like it because "People were staring at her" They both wanted to do a football club over the holidays but then moaned every day saying they didn't like it.

It's just soul destroying. I worry they are going to turn out with no ability to focus or commit to stuff (their dads worst trait) I feel like I'm completely failing as a parent and also getting zero joy out of it.

Just wanted to tell you, you’re clearly a great Mum who is trying her best.

Mine are younger than yours, but I am a single Mum to twins and it can often feel utterly relentless. If they’re not fighting each other, it feels like they are “ganging up” on me to see which one can push me to breaking point.

Yours are at a tricky age where they are still going to be establishing their own interests, so please don’t take their lack of commitment as too much of a concern. However frustrating.

Hopefully other mums with children similar ages to yours will be along soon, but wanted to send a bit of single twin mum solidarity (and a virtual hug!) your way.

I think parenting the children you have rather than the ones you wish you had would help, changing your expectations.

With the shopping trip...I don't know many seven year olds who enjoy clothes/shoe shopping. Most kids will find this tedious. Particularly, when you've brought a friend along to chat to so it's diverting your attention from them. I also think that seven year olds giggling, messing about and being silly on what was presumably supposed to be a fun weekend trip is fairly normal. You don't want them behaving like that at school...but at the weekend?!

With the pony situation you have only yourself to blame. That's your hobby not theirs. The other stuff where they've asked to do it is more annoying, but I think you just have to ignore the whining and power through. Get them each to choose one activity that they have to stick to for a term and take them every week. After a term they can change if they no longer enjoy that activity.

With regards to sharing their father's worst quality, they may well do! That's genetics. It was you who chose to make a baby with him. They didn't pick him as their father, you did. It's inevitable they will share some of his traits. Look for ways to help them manage this as best they can rather than hating the fact they have this quality in the first place.

What do they spend their time doing/what do they like to do? What are the consequences for misbehaving?

Thank you @mahoganynails It is so hard isn't it? You never get a second to yourself. Life is just an endless treadmill.

@NuffSaidSam Maybe I shouldn't have bought the pony but it was with the best of intentions. I will probably have to sell him. Which really upsets me as I love him.

@SeaToSki My DS loves history. They both love to read. They like the outdoors. I'm not great at consequences. I need to develop better boundaries. Sometimes I find myself doing things for an easy life because I'm so bloody exhausted. My parents take them so I can go to work but there's nobody ever offers to take them for an afternoon or a few hours. It nearly always all falls on me and I'm done in with it.

As your DS loves history, he should be able to join the Young Archaeologists Club as soon as he turns 8; in the meantime their website has some fantastic resources & best of all the clubs are usually free / minimum charge for events or meetings, which are normally monthly.

There’s also Scouting / Guiding; they are old enough for Cubs and Brownies and this might be something they enjoy. The websites for both give details of local groups and you can join the waiting lists via the websites.

Give yourself a break; yes, they haven’t ‘stuck’ at a hobby yet but they are only starting primary now so they are finding their feet. The pony was probably an expensive mistake but at least you’ve learned from it.

It will get better, honestly. Hugs.

My DC knew better than to flake out of something they had asked for. Just wasn’t happening. Be clear about your expectations.

Who else is supposed to have them? Where’s their dad? Other grandparents? Your friends won’t be keen if they are whingers.

Try going out to castles. What does DD like? She’s short on confidence if she’s not keen on people looking at her. What about being clear what performing actually means. However I’d not put up with their flaky attitude and I’d be having a very meaningful conversation with them.

As for the pony! Words fail me. What do they do when you are riding?

Coming back to say if he’s history minded then membership of NT / English Heritage / Cadw / Scottish Heritage might also be useful but you’ll need to find something DD likes too.

I really feel for you; my kids can be a bit like this but not quite as bad and that’s annoying enough tbh.

Are they on screens a lot? That can destroy the receptors in the brain and cause short attention spans nothing else is as exciting etc

@uggbootsforever Not really. They don't play video games or have tablets/ipads. They watch TV but that's it.

Ok, that doesn’t sound like an issue then - my kids get worse with TV but equally it’s not realistic to have zero TV at all (they don’t have tablets and not allowed on phones).

I’m sorry OP it can be really tough. If all else fails my best advice is to get outside, everybody outside, whether that’s to a park, the beach, even just a little wander locally- fresh air is the almost universal reset button!

Children and shopping is generally a horrible combination IME. I have two boys and neither of them likes shopping, unless it's for food. Getting them to go and get school shoes or a haircut or god forbid, try on clothing, has always been an absolute ordeal to be got over and done with as quickly as possible!

In terms of clubs and activities too - yeah it can take a while for them to actually want to commit to something, but I do think it helps if you are committed yourself. Both my kids play a sport (the same one), but it took years of just taking them every Sunday to get them into it. Small DC don't often have the self-discipline to commit to something, so it takes a parent to just set that expectation that at X time on Y day they go swimming or to gymnastics or football or whatever.

I think being more consistent with boundaries will help. Doing things for an easy life is very short term and as you have found out, does not mean an easy life in the long term. Also, don’t threaten something you’re not prepared to carry out. I saw it with my sisters kids - she would threaten all sorts but they didn’t care because they knew it wouldn’t happen. Also, give a couple of warnings, then deliver the consequences. It won’t be great if you have to leave somewhere early but they will soon get the idea that this version of Mum (Mum 2.0 if you like) is not to be messed with and means business. They won’t like it one bit, but they’re used to getting their own way.

As for interests, I’d agree they need to try things for an extended period before giving up. I know most offer a free try out but only give up if they really hate it. That said, DS at 12 was terrified going to air cadets for the first time (mainly because he thought he’d get shouted at) and ended up loving it.

Swimming is a thing to try if you haven’t already and that could be a non-negotiable because it’s a life skill.

The 2 things I think all kids should do if at all possible are swimming and learn an instrument (piano is probably easiest/most ideal). I would also do lots of walking with them to tire them out, especially if they like the outdoors.

They do go swimming once a week. They do usually enjoy it.

Maybe I'm expecting them to be too pro active for little children. I do feel like I struggle to assert myself and then end up blowing my lid with them eventually.

Far too much is on their terms. They'll literally ask me what I'm doing if I put something on the TV! They're so used to just watching what they want.

They're out playing in the front street now so at least we're getting a break from each other!

@Lou802Few people have pianos on which to practice. Schools teach recorder - cheap and easy to source. DD started violin in y3 - August birthday so just turned 7. We would never have bought her a violin if she’d been flaky over it though. She’d already started piano at 6 but we started with a keyboard.

No pony

No cafes

No shopping.

Park visits and picnics. That's it.

They sound over scheduled

Swimming, along with school, etc, it's too much for primary aged kids.

Do they ever just relax at home?

Sounds like they needed far more time just playing in the front street

@coxesorangepippin Unfortunately I need more in my life than just park visits and picnics. Especially given the fact it's now Autumm. I'm a lone parent. If I didn't take them shopping, out for food and to the stables I would never get there either. Then I would lose what is left of my marbles.

Over scheduled? They go to school and swimming for a half hour once a week. Of course they spend time at home.

And they spend a lot of time playing out with their friends. Sometimes they're out all day!

I found age 6-9 really hard. Much harder than baby, toddler years and imit was so unexpected as I thought it would get easier. You seem to be doing the best you can. I would recommend going with the flow, keeping their schedule simple and have more patience which I know is easier said than done. My older son matured a lot towards the end of primary school and it did get easier.

You are giving them a great childhood then with fresh air and independence. Well done.

As to their behaviour, there are some good parenting books such as 'how to talk so children listen'. They are very young so you've got plenty of time to improve things.