What should I do?

[worriedsickson19]

Long back story, but I am looking for advice. I have two DC’s (19 & 15), my self and exDH co parent 50:50.
Ex DH is an alcoholic, he has periods of sobriety and periods where he is full on drinking and usually ends up in hospital getting detoxed.
Current situation is he is due to take them away to Dubai for a week, but her has had 2 episodes in the Priory over the last 3 months and last week didn’t have the children as planned as he was drinking (he tries to hide it, so he didn’t want them to see).
The 19yr old DC gets very angry when his Dad drinks, feels disrespected and ends up getting into arguments, which have more recently become physical, ( I have talked to him about this not being a good way to deal with his anger/frustration).
my concern is, if they go to Dubai with him next week and exDH stars to drink, it could turn into a nightmare situation. I am worried about DS, concerned he will snap, or have to deal with getting himself and my DD home alone is exDH can’t sort himself out (years of living this when we were still married).
I have done a kind of risk assessment, as I do everyte he takes them away, this time My initial thoughts are to say they shouldn’t go (DS saying he doesn’t really want to go), but DD is very very angry and blaming me.
it would be useful to get the thoughts of you wise folk. Thanks

DC1 is an adult and so can make his own choice. I would advise him not to go for the reasons you've said here, but ultimately it's his choice.

With regards to DC2 I would speak directly to your ex. Does he think it's a good idea given that he's currently quite unwell? If he normally tries to hide his illness from the children then I would think he would cancel the trip himself.

If he can't be persuaded to cancel then I would talk through the reality of the situation with DC2 and see what her thoughts are (e.g. would she know what to do if her Dad collapses and needs medical attention? Is she comfortable navigating her way back to the airport alone? Does she understand what Dubai is like in its treatment of women/attitude to alcohol/legal system?).

I'm completely with you. They either shouldn't go or someone else should go with them for support. His drinking is too recent so there is a good chance that he will drink/get drunk over there. If they protest too much, I would talk to your eldest and make her aware of what could happen and talk about the reality of having to deal with the situation. Make sure all eventuallities are planned for if they do go. A&e routes in Dubai, ambulance, police system in Dubai for being drunk and disorderly, that they have enough money if his wallet is lost or it's spent on booze etc. Power banks so they can make calls etc. If someone can go along on the trip too, like an aunt then great

Ds is saying that he doesn't really want to go. I wonder could there be another reason that you could tell the teens on why he has to cancel. It's an option if you do think there may be a drinking episode

You’ve had some amazing advice already and I don’t feel that I can add anything really. The DC probably already know about Nacoa?

Hope the talk goes well with them

You’ve had some amazing advice already and I don’t feel that I can add anything really. The DC probably already know about Nacoa?
Hope the talk goes well with them
Thanks bunnyRuddington, appreciate that, I tried to get the kids to engage with this years ago, but will revisit now they are a bit more mature.

I agree with all, I am terrified about them going, unfortunately exDH has no insight into the effect he has and has just stated “he won’t drink”!!! My ex MIL is trying to convince the kids that he won’t drink and there isn’t a problem with exDH. But she is trying to tell them that I am the problem, as there is no need to worry about their Dad, he doesn’t have a problem and won’t drink. Update that my DS has decided he will not be going, so need to wait and see what DD says about that.

I hope that DD does decide that she will be better of at home. It’s so wrong if him to get his DM involved. Does your DD know about “Flying Monkeys”.

I don’t know what flying monkeys are?

ExDH has phoned DD, offering to change the holiday into my name, so the DC’s can still go away. But this requires a £1.5k flight and all food/drink in Dubai for a week. I can’t afford that. DS thinks he is saying that so he can claim that he wants it to be all about the kids getting away, even though I don’t want them to go with him, he is willing to put the holiday into my name, so he is a hero! DS also think ex DH is saying this to absolve the guilt. DS has had enough of his behaviour, likening this to a toxic girlfriend, but he can’t walk away from it!!

ExDH’s DM is the whole route of the problem re exDHs behaviour and the breakdown of our marriage.

To be honest I didn’t know till a couple of years ago and someone on here was posting about going no contact with their M and then went on to mention Flying Monkeys.

Have a read of this. It seems to be the role your ex-MIL has taken on in this situation. Your DC won’t comply with their DF so he’s sending his flying monkey to get them to behave for him.

OMG! This is exactly what she has been doing ever since I left her precious son. The kids have been fed a barrage of misinformation designed to make me the baddie and encourage them not to see me. Luckily neither of them have made that decision and in fact my DS is now starting to see through it all and making decisions to protect his MH.

Could ex MIL be persuaded to go along too? (Depending if possible to get an extra flight/room)

She sounds absolutely delightful. Like I said I had never heard of Flying Monkeys till I read about them on MN.

Sent an article about them tou DSis who went “OMG that is exactly what “D”M does”.

Do the DC have any access to counselling? It sounds as though they have a bit to unpick