School mum drama

[JLMQ105]

DS6 has recently started Y1. Through reception he identified a gang of mates and the class doesn’t split as they move up the years, so he’s likely to be friends with them ongoing.
I was excited about school and meeting mums that I could invest in as friends, because I work in a really male dominated environment and have experienced very few girls stick it out 😕
Over the summer, met up with some mums and made some friends. All cool.
But at a birthday party yesterday, the hosting mum thought it appropriate to DICTATE to me that I shouldn’t be friends with this one and that one because x y z. What the Holy Hell??? Is this normal adult behaviour?
I thought this hosting mum was someone I’d get on with well and our kids get on well, but this is so off putting. Am I being oversensitive? I was so shocked that I didn’t know how to react. My people-pleaser personality kicked in and I nodded and huffed along, but I know I should have just confronted it then and there.
She has now asked me if I’d like to meet for coffee. I’ve put it off this week as genuinely busy, but should I meet and confront, or just delay until she gets the hint that our vibes do not align??? 😬

I’d delay until she gets the hint, but I hate confrontation. Some people just aren’t your people and that’s okay.

Don't confront, just remain on friendly terms but don't get too close. Either put off the coffee offer altogether or suggest that you invite other Mum's along to take the pressure off.

Don't over dramatise it.

Don't become actual friends or divulge too much about yourself, just be civil and friendly.

If your kids get on the occasional coffee will probably be necessary. You still don't have to be best friends.

The biggest risk is that you piss her off enough to be added to the list and others listen to her. Doesshe have that sort of clout?

Firstly, I wouldn’t be putting all your eggs in the basket of school mum friends. I have some friends who are parents of my dc’s friends. Only because we genuinely have things in common. Not because we have kids in the same school. The rest of them, I have very little in common with and couldn’t bare to be friends with. It’s painful enough trying to make small talk at parties and village events.

That said, if I was a confident person and I could pick up that you were very much a people pleaser, there are totally some parents I’d warn you off from who I know will cause you all sorts of trouble, including for your dc at school. Is it possible she was trying to give you a warning for your own good and it came out badly in the chaos and stress of the party?

That was bizarre. There’s a chance it was well intentioned as @mindutopia suggested but whether it was or not she left herself wide open to you telling the other women what she said about them. Please don’t do that and add to the back stabbing. It’s unlikely she found in you someone she could confide in for the first time, so the other women probably know what she’s like and might even be the same way. It would put me off all of them. If you want to try to become part of the group I suggest you don’t get involved with the gossip at all. If you do I think you might find yourself the thing that brings them all together when they kick you out of the group.

What was the woman concerned supposed to have done OP?

I’m not sure where the accusations were leading, I didn’t invite any further discussion and I’m not really interested in she-said-she-said.
I was specifically told by one mum that she’d ’be pissed off’ if I was meeting up with [other mum] separate to group get togethers! I left that sort of attitude in the 90s when I left high school.
What is alarming is that the responses don’t seem to concur that this is outrageous behaviour, and that in fact, I can expect more?!
‘Getting into the group…?’ This is probably why I have about four female friends 🤣 I’m not trying to be part of anything. I just wanted to hang out with women and chat about life beyond work and parenting.
Guess I’ll just invest the time in the friends I have elsewhere in the country and animals 🥰 This sort of thing is a red line for me, and at 44, I’m okay with that.

Can you say you’ve experienced no issues yourself but respect her views (whilst ignoring them)

I'd keep my distance from that one she sounds weird and controlling dictating who you should be friends with. Stand your ground and bat her away! There's something to be said for modelling inclusivity and kindness for your dc.

OP .this is what it is like.
politics / dynamics of interpersonal functioning particularly in women dominated groups
many women don’t grow out of the dynamics you would have seen at school
I guess if u work in a male dominated environment you haven’t seen it much recently
my advise if u want to have friends / aquaintences is get to know them,
don’t take it too seriously or be too invested
you will find out who u click more with and can lean into those, and lean away from the ones you dont
it takes time to get the measure of people
roll with it, and take from it what works for you
your response sounds somewhat aghast / prickly - I’d tone that down, or u may be alienated - best to roll with it and see how u feel as u get to know them more ??

I’m always going to be prickly about an interaction like that, I’m a fully grown adult!! 🤣

I will tailor my expectations accordingly. I’m not so desperate for that kind of female company. Ho him. Thank god I have sons…

See what I mean !! Prickly 😂

Lots of school mums I came across acted like they were still in their high school clique, it was so tiresome. Sounds like you've maybe met an ex-clique leader.

OP isn't being particularly prickly.

If she is the school gate Queen Bully. You should remain very neutral. Because she could influence all the other Mothers. I get that you dont need the hype, but cultivating friendships with other school Mums helps loads, with years of school activities & giving lifts in emergencies etc.
I’d smile & stay neutral, dont divuldge your personal situation or say you don’t work, (its a great fallback if you need an excuse to not go to coffee).
There may be different cliques too, those who believe they are richer, better, classier & dominate, & others who get ignored, brushed aside, used.
It’s a long road… 🙄

Just delay meeting up forever. I wouldn’t confront if your children are friends because if you’ve already identified that she’s someone that likes to cause drama then you don’t want her to start trying to cause problems for you/your child.

Sorry if you read it that way… perhaps you’d be one of the mums to avoid 🤣🫢 - how’s that for prickly??? We have different sense of humour, and that’s ok.

Yes, maybe we would avoid each other !!
i sense you have a low threshold for bullshit,
I probably do too, but I tend to play along when I think it’s in my interest / i sense some gain !

That’s why most try to avoid it School mummy mafia are mad, but tame compared to sports club mummy mafia.

It's just so sad these types who are so desperate to be popular, they bully and make up shite against other mums.