Grandparents help

[Autumnmornings]

Hi,

I know this a common question but I need someone to get this off my chest too. My husband works away most of the year he is rarely home to help with the children, I work from home we work together with our own business and we moved close to my parents when we had our first child as we knew my husband would be away a lot.
initially my mum was very helpful when we had our first child 9 years ago but that stopped when they was around 3, in the years since we have had another child who she’s never helped with she said she doesn’t agree with grandparents helping out.
for backstory my mum is in her early 50’s, she said I had children too late in life I was mid 20’s and she said ye thats late had you had them earlier I’d have helped out but now I’m tired.
she works part time and her youngest is 20 who she runs around for like you wouldn’t believe.
I just feel sad for my children that really they only have me and ye I feel like although I love my children so much I miss out on things.
I don’t get to go out, I went out yesterday for the first time in years and I had to ask her to have them for a couple of hours, I felt under pressure to get home as the last time I went out a few years ago she kept texting asking when I’d be back and would say sarcastic comments like the kids think you’ve left them it’s not fair. I’d only been gone a couple of hours.
it causes a big rift with my husband because when he does have time at home we can’t go on date nights, are last one was 6 years ago for a special birthday we’ve not had a night since without the kids.
I do go to her house with them not often but she will roll her eyes a lot when they’re playing or being loud and after half hour she will also shout right time for home I’ve had enough, I guess because I’m on my own most the time with the kids I go for some adult company but she often shoos us out the house.
when she comes to our house she’s constantly head in her phone showing no interest and like we are just annoying her she’ll do a sarcastic voice. Whenever we go out together with the kids she will also say what a rubbish day off she’s wasted and say it was a disaster shouldn’t have bothered.
as she is so so negative it is really getting me down, but she tells her friends that she has the children all the time, so I think her friends believe I put on her but truthfully she never has them and doesn’t want too which okay that’s her choice but telling people she has them all time like I’m never here when I could probably count on one hand in 9 years the amount of times I’ve been out without the kids.
I guess I’m just feeling sad for the kids and the relationship she misses out on.

She sounds very busy and you do get more tired around this age. She might not be having an easy time with the menopause. Presumably if she's still supporting a child, even if they're 20, there's a good reason for it. In any case, it's her choice.

I never had grandparent help and just got on with it. I chose to have them, so my job to care for them or pay a babysitter.

You are fine to feel sad it's not what you hoped, but your expectations aren't her responsibility to meet. She still has her own busy life.

Yeah I agree with what you’re saying with them being our children.
she isn’t busy though in all honesty she doesn’t work much and she spends her days off just watching tv which again it’s her days off that’s absolutely fine, it’s more the fact how she is when she’s with them just complaining that they’re at her house or complaining when she’s comes out with us that it’s wasted her day off and sitting scrolling Facebook when she comes to visit, it makes me feel really sad for them because they take it all in.
& telling her friends how much she has them upsets me because her friends must think I really put on her when it’s not true at all I don’t ask unless I’m completely desperate and I was last night as my husband couldn’t get home.
I get it’s her choice though it just doesn’t feel nice.
she runs round for the 20 year old and when she doesn’t need to, she treats him like a small child it’s strange and then creates herself stress by doing so.
she is a very very negative person and everything is too much and it really does drain you when she’s like that I would say she has gone far worse in the last few years so you could be onto something although she hasn’t gone through them yet, they’re got to be approaching. There’s no positives in anything everything is a problem and if anyone seems to be doing well she’ll pick at it so you could be on right track

Just stop expecting help/visits etc. It's sad she doesn't want to, but she doesn't need to. Arrange your life like she isn't nearby, and see when she contacts you. Fwiw we have no family nearby, so we've had 1 date night in 11 years. We choose not to use babysitter, but could if we wanted to.