DD nearly-two-toddler tantrum tips

[mummynumnum]

Dd is a wonderfully natured child, but as she approaches two, she is def asserting herself and throwing a few tantrums. Was put in timeout at nursery today. Also likes telling me to go away (dont know where this has come from)

what are peoples key toddler tantrum/behaviour tips.

She is my first dc.

we only have one DS, but he is just over two and is getting into his stride with the tantrums!

Only tips I have are:

• try to distract before the tantrum gets started
• pick your battles - only get into head to head situations about the important stuff (teeth, bed, nappy etc), don't worry about the small stuff
• negotiate and compromise
• and the big one - warn your DD in advance what's going to happen next, e.g. 'In two minutes we're going to go and have a bath' or 'One more book and then it's bedtime'. nothing seems to set DS off more than something unexpected happening.

And a big glass of wine when they're in bed helps.

HTH

Forgive me for shamless cutting and pasting but I posted this on a related thread and hope it might help although some of it is irrelevant, oh arse got to take pan off stove, just pasting this:

DD started losing it at 10 months, but after about a truly horrible week I tried very hard to see the world from her point of view and blimey, it was an unjust and frustrating place.

She's now almost 2, and has regular paddies but they really are just beyond her control. Frustration and intense, whole-body disappointment when things don't go right (and it's not just getting her own way - same thing happens if she's tired and she can't get teddy's jumper on her head, for example). Luckily they're relatively short-lived and after a couple of minutes getting it out of her system she'll either allow herself to be cuddled or distracted.

The only way I can deal with it without yelling 'get a grip, I can't change the laws of physics' (which I do occasionally, cos obviously I'm human) or doing her physical harm, is to empathise energetically (oh babe, it IS very frustrating isn't it), stick to my guns (if I'm the cause of the melt-down) and leave her to calm down. I check on her every 30 seconds or so to make sure she's safe and tell her I'll be in the kitchen/wherever when she wants a cuddle.

Of course, I have only the one child to deal with and she rarely does it when we're out. She does flip out in shopping trolleys quite often, but I find a bit of running up and down the isles (I have no inhibitions, me), spinning round and 'oh look, grapes! let's eat some now) fends most of them off at the outset.

Oh, and BIG ditto giving warning about things that are about to happen, particularly having to leave a game, get out of the bath etc. We count down 5, 3, 1 minute til... Doesn't stop the protests entirely but made one hell of a difference when we first tried it.

I read somewhere that there's two types of tantrums - the frustration ones where they can't get something to happen (like teddy's jumper won't go on) and the stubborn ones where they're intent on pushing boundaries.

the first one needs cuddles and understanding, like you say - 'I know it's frustrating darling, it must make you very angry' and the second one needs ignoring and not giving in.

Having said that DS has only just gone to sleep after throwing the mother of all tantrums about bedtime.....so not sure we've got this one beaten yet!

Off for that glass of wine

Mij: :O re shopping trolly. I do that too (except I'm a 6'5" man so it scares other shoppers)

Great tips already-I do the grapes in the trolley thing to!

Did not work on Sun though-I think I chose my time to go badly!

oh yes, never try and do anything when tired or hungry (them or you!) and NEVER when both....

And allow double the normal amount of time to catch trains, buses etc, as hurrying our DS seems to result in complete meltdowns.

If it is over something silly we usually just ignore the crying until he calms down which he does when he realises he is not getting any attention. If you try and 'reason' too much with a toddler when they are in this state it makes it worse as they are getting attention for negative behaviour. hth.

Yep, DD gets completely beyond reasoning, help or comfort sometimes and I found that trying to get at the root of the meltdown (which sometimes isn't at all obvious) just made things worse. That's when we do the 'you really are upset aren't you, I'll be here when you're ready for a cuddle' thing.

And completely ignore the things designed to wind you up or test you (which is bloody hard - don't always manage it, particularly when pre-menstrual!) unless it's dangerous or destructive.

What LMD said! ie distract and pick your battles especially. We used to give ds choices, so that he could feel more in control of his world. When it was time to get dressed "do you want the blue Tshirt or the red one?" he gets to choose, but from 2 acceptable options and everyone's happy (for 5 mins)

He also used to appreciate knowing that we understood he was frustrated. He was quite a late talker so couldn't easily express his frustrations, and it's usually fairly obvious why they're upset. ds used to respond really well if I bobbed down and said "are you cross because xyz?" more often than not he'd stop and nod. Just knowing I understood seemed to help a lot even if I then had to say "I'm really sorry but we have to do it this way".

And definitely give warnings for things about to happen - countdown if possible. ds is 3.5 and still needs to know "10 mins then we're leaving the park". Then 5, 3, 1 and he's just started insisting we say "zero" at which point he's happy to go. They obviously have no idea how long 10 mins actually is so you don't necessarily need to do the full 10 as long as you give the illusion!

It passes.

3 main approaches:

distract
cajole
ignore

it's normal. it will pass. sounds like you're doing great.

An experienced mum of 3 said to me 'give two choices, both of which are fine for you too'.

Works. Gotta be persistent at saying eg 'would you like to walk home from the park or go on mummy's back' when she wants the third option - to stay on the climbing frame 'til midnight, but after repeating myself, oh, only 28 times, DD will choose one of those.

Same with if she's having a strop about not doing something I'd like her to do, I started trying 'will Izzy do it or mummy do it?' When faced with mummy doing it she'll almost always do it herself after only a small amount of moaning.

Requires the patience of Bob though.

Patience of Job that should have been. Who the hell is Bob?

Can we fix it?

When dd says 'go away' (not a phrase we use!) to me (never daddy) I tend to put down and walk away and ignore, as I found actually telling off made her laugh.

Does this sound like a good plan?

oh forgot something else - if everything fails and the tantrum happens, then once they've calmed down enough to want a cuddle, big cuddles are a must! With DS, I know when he's reached that stage because he asks for his bunny.

I read somewhere that tantrums happen because they don't know how to deal with their emotions, and that when they really lose it it's actually really scary for them too. So big cuddles and reassurance afterwards and saying 'Mummy's not cross any more, you were being a real pickle weren't you but it's all finished, let's have a big cuddle now' seems to make DS all better.

HTH