Struggling to parent as a team?

[Strength20]

I really need some advice. My husband and I have a very headstrong six-year-old who can throw some pretty epic tantrums. Every time things get bad, my husband and I sit down together, make a plan, and agree on how we’re going to handle things moving forward. The problem is, he doesn’t stick to it.

This has happened 3-4 times now. For example, one time we agreed to sit with her and read a book until she fell asleep. When I did it, it worked perfectly - she settled quickly, and we actually had some evening time together again (before we didn’t have any). But the first time he tried, he got bored after 20 minutes, left the room, and chaos followed… surprise I ended up putting her to bed. Another time, I asked him not to shout over me when I’m disciplining her. It undermines me, confuses her, and feels like we’re ganging up on her. He agreed. But the very next night - he did it again.

It keeps happening. We make a plan, and almost immediately, he breaks it. The inconsistency is making things worse, and our daughter is definitely picking up on it.

I’m honestly furious and don’t know what to do. How do you handle it when your partner constantly undermines the parenting plan? Is this something that can be worked through, or is it a bigger red flag for the relationship? We’re good in all other ways, and I know separating would be even harder for our daughter, but right now, it feels like our parenting is completely at odds and it’s affecting our daughter.

Any advice from people who’ve been through something similar would be so appreciated.

We used to have to sit with both of ours when they were young until they fell asleep. Probably a bit younger though. It's not text book ideal, but it worked for us and was just a stage. Sometimes we would have to sit there for 40 mins though. When you say 'reading', do you mean reading to her? We didn't do that, we always read downstairs and then sat outside the bedroom upstairs, where we were present but could still do our own thing, like reading our own books, or I'd probably go on my phone now but I don't think I had a smart phone at the time!
We used to be at odds with our parenting sometimes and we're not together now. We didn't separate for that reason, but looking back I can see that some of the things we argued about I should have just let slide.

oh dear. Have you discussed the way he’s undermining what you both agree and asked him why? I mean asked it as a genuine question because what he’s doing is slightly odd. Are you sure you’re really making the plan together or are you directing things and he’s not actually on board? It’s either that, he’s lazy and/or spineless (in which case you already know this from other issues, and that’s a big problem), or he has some kind of neurodivergence that’s making it hard for him to remember what was discussed and follow through in the moment.

I can see why you’re angry (and you’ll get a lot of posts sympathising and validating that here) but I think you need to step down from that emotion a bit to work out what’s really happening because it won’t help communication if he feels attacked. You both need to get to the bottom of it because it’s affecting your daughter and your relationship, so try to approach it as calmly as you can. Maybe lead with something like, it’s so great when we’re on the same page and when we work together to give her boundaries and reclaim time we can spend together, but I feel you often forget what we agree. What’s that about? If you focus on the fact you both want the same results, then hopefully you can get there.

On another note, is your daughter unable to fall asleep independently? At six, I would expect that unless she has additional needs. I’m not sure reading to her until she falls asleep will help her learn how. You could give her a set number of books and then leave her with some, and a nightlight? She might kick off at first but maybe if she understands it’s how ‘big girls’ do it and that’s the way it’s going to be?

You say we make a plan but to me it comes across as if he doesn't do it my way he is wrong, we never stayed we both said good night and they stayed in bed or their room, the bed time routine doesn't need to be drawn out

Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify the bedtime/book situation: we read our daughter a story first, then I usually sit by her bed and read my own book while she’s drifting off. It’s very calm, and I think she finds comfort in the sound of the pages turning.

She can fall asleep on her own, she just refuses to at the moment!! She hates going to bed, has FOMO, and wants to know what we’re doing. Bedtime has never been her strong point, but it goes in phases. Sometimes she’ll happily read by herself and switch the light off, but we’re not currently in one of those phases!

I’ll admit there may be an element of me dictating the routine, but honestly that’s because my husband’s approach would usually end in shouting, arguments, and me having to pick up the pieces (there’s history there). When I ask him why he undermines me, he doesn’t really have an answer. Sometimes he can be a bit patronising when I bring it up. I do plan to sit him down properly when I get home and ask him directly why he’s going against what we agree.