How the hell to deal with this with DSS?

[Goldenkracken]

We are honestly at a loss as to what we should do to help my DSS and really hoping someone out there might have some magic advice that points us in the right direction.

I have a DSS who is 9. He lives with is full time and has done for 4 years after he was removed from his mum by social work via court. She was still allowed contact with him and would see him and even have him stay every other weekend. Every now and again she would decide not to return him and keep him for a week before bringing him home. Social work were made away, police contacted, etc and they would check in on him but she wouldn't let them in the house, police would ask him if he was okay and he would say 'fine' so they would accept that and leave. Social work would take so long to do a check in that he was usually home with us by the time they even got back to us.

A huge part of the reason why DSS was removed from her was that she was repeatedly telling DSS extreme lies, this included that DH wasn't his dad (which at one point he believed), that DSS was sexually abused by different people (this was fully investigated by police and social work and they found no evidence of any of it, but the accusations were always made against any male she had an argument with, including DH), that DH was dangerous and violent, these are just the worst ones but there were many many more (and to be honest I dont know how she didnt get charged for some of them). The court order was initially supervised access but she seemed to be behaving well enough (this was before the incidents of not returning him) so eventually moved to unsupervised and then overnights. Just over a year ago we discovered that she was telling DSS the lies again, including that DH was an imposter pretending to be his dad (DNA test was done because of these lies, he is definitely his dad), that combined with yet another incident of her not returning him led to access going supervised again. She refused and instead has chosen not to see him.

DSS is really struggling with it, every night he goes on and on repeatedly about how much he misses her. She has blocked all contact. DH has tried to contact her to arrange access, even supervised by someone in her family, but she hasn't responded to any communication. She's still around because she's posting frequently on TikTok. DSS has even sent her letters and cards and heard nothing back.

He has recently started to open up to me, he had always been so guarded about anything his mum said or did but now he is starting to tell me things she told him, except it is very clear that he believes them. Last night he started saying that he thinks maybe his dad is the one who is stopping her from contacting him, despite it being the complete opposite and DH has done everything possible to set up contact because of how hard DSS has been finding it. He told me that his mum told him in the past that DH had stopped contact (this turned out to be a period of time that she had repeatedly cancelled on DSS but she has obviously then told him it was down to DH stopping her from seeing DSS, which wasn't the case).

We have spoken to the school and GP about therapy but they have said there are no options where we are due to his age. He has said that he wouldng want to speak to someone he doesn't know anyway and would rather speak to me. It's just recently that he has started telling me things, he is happy for me to then tell DH and they then discuss it more but DH is always very worried about hurting DSS's feelings and won't say anything even close to bad about his mum in case it upsets him and sometimes I wonder if he needs to understand a bit more about how what she was doing and saying was actually harmful to him.

I love this wee boy and just wish I could help him but I honestly don't know how! He just constantly pines for her.

Anyone?

Have you looked into play therapy?
I know children younger than 9 who have went to play therapy which is designed to help them process experiences through play?
I don’t know if it is available through the NHS though so you might need to look privately. But that would maybe help that it’s not just talking to someone if he isn’t keen on that idea?

I have, the nearest private one is 1 and a half hours from us.

It’s difficult isn’t it?

Im sure his mother loves him and wants what’s best for him but ultimately any decisions are the parents. You have become a parent by default.

I would suggest you tried some critical thinking.

Ask open questions, why do you think that? What have you heard that suggested x y z?

Maybe turn it round and be a bit more truthful?

We’ve called you mum bit she hasn’t responded.

We love you to meet up, but her phones ringing out.

Do you really think we would stop you seeing your mum?

Start telling him the truth .

So sorry OP this sounds really tough, I don’t have advice, sorry I know thats what you were after.
Can you afford to go private for therapy? I think it would really benefit your lovely SS, a therapist may be able to explain things to him or help you tools in how to talk to him.

I understand you wanting to tell him about his mum, but I think it would just confuse him more.

Are there any hobbies he likes? Or clubs he can join if he doesn’t already, something to take his mind off things and have fun, or can you plan a few exciting days out give him something to look forward to?

It’s great he is opening up to you, he obviously feels safe with you and wants to open up.

I really hope things get better for you and your sweet little boy x

For the situation you are in then, in your DH's shoes, I'd be doing whatever I could to make it work.

The child needs therapy and your DH needs to do whatever he can to make it happen.

This is actually pretty much our current approach. Initially DH was almost protecting him from the fact that his mum wasn't responding but is now saying pretty much exactly those things you've suggested. I guess I'm wondering about whether and when is the right time to speak to him more about the lies that she told and help him to understand that they weren't true.

I only just started asking more open questions which is what seemed to lead to him opening up more and starting to tell me things she had said to him. I think subconsciously he maybe knows they're lies which is why he is telling me, but he talks as though because she said them, they must be true and that she would never lie.

Yes, he has a few hobbies and we try to do those with him lots. He is a really popular wee boy and has loads of friends so is always out playing. He seems really happy during the day but this all comes out at night-time, usually at bedtime. He will also tell me that even when he's doing other things and playing or having fun he is always thinking about her and missing her, which breaks my heart a bit.

You might be right, I think DH has just been nervous because DSS has been so resistant to the idea of seeing an adult he doesn't know and DH didnt want to push and upset him. He's already got a fear that DSS is going to grow up hating him and thinking that the things his mum said were true and that it's his fault he doesn't see his mum. I think that worry stops him sometimes from pushing DSS too hard on engaging with another adult. He would really benefit from it though so will speak to him.

I think it is good to open up to others and be honest. The more safe and trust we can make someone feel the more they will engage with honesty.

I’d be a bit wary of how much truth you give him without having therapy in place.

Of course he wants to believe her, especially about it being dad that stopped contact, otherwise he’d have to process the fact that his mum, who he loves, didn’t want to make the effort to see him. And it wouldn’t take much for a young, upset mind to make the incorrect connection that if his own mother doesn’t want to see him, it must because he did something bad/isn’t good enough etc. Its much safer to believe that dad, the present, reliable parent did the bad thing.

It’s awful but it’s something we learned a lot about in preparation for adopting our LO, and while your situation is different, you’re still dealing with a child who has been through the trauma of being removed from his mum.

I agree with all the PPs that are saying to do what you need to in order to get him some therapy, even if you approach it from the perspective that you’re just going to try it out to see if it helps you all initially.

The thing your DH needs to keep in mind is that being rejected by your Mum - which is how your DSS will feel - is quite rare.

There will be other kids in his class whose Dads have fucked off, but being the kid whose mum didn't love him enough to stay is massive. One of the reasons my DSS took to calling me Mum when he started high school was that he stopped wanting to stand out as the kid with no mum (his mum died when he was a toddler) as he was the only one in his year who had no mum.

At the very, very, very least your DH (and you, but it's your DH's job mainly) needs to get very good specialist advice on how to deal with everything. Your DSS will be desperate to believe that his mum loves him as much as all the other mums love their kids so will be looking for what is to blame - it's quite likely that over time he'll blame himself, his Dad, you, anything and anyone that means mum didn't just walk away.

Family therapy might also be useful.

Thank you for all the responses. We contacted the organisation that does therapy sessions for children that is 1hr and a half from us, they charge £160 a session. There is no other provider for children anywhere near so we would either need to find a way to scrape the money together (I honestly dont know how we could afford it though but where there's a will, there's a way) or look to therapists in the next nearest city which is 2 and a half hours away (we live very rurally).

I think you can help him by acknowledging his feelings and supporting him with them
So if he talks about missing mum, honour this feeling "I can see you feel really sad about that. What might feel comforting for you. A hug an a story with Dad? Let's snuggle under this fleece and watch ( favourite TV programme)"
"Would you like to talk about your mum? What are your favourite things to do with her?". As part of this you can keep reassuring him that you are trying your hardest to arrange for him to spend time with her but that you know this is confusing because he has been told different things by different people.
You can reinforce the fact that you are trying for contact and acknowledge his confusion about being told different things without saying directly negative things about his mum.

Poor kid. It's great that he feel he can talk to you.
Is his school aware of the situation? I know my school has an Art therapist come in to work with specific children regularly, and some of those children I know have had similar backgrounds. It's something that the local authority fund, I think.

School may have an ELSA trained member of staff that he could have sessions with. I would definitely make them aware

I’d stop chasing or encouraging the mother to make contact with her kid.

Without directly saying anything negative about his mum, I would go for being very open. Show him what you are doing to try to establish contact. For example, if your dh is ringing, have him there while he does it. If he sends a message, they can compose and send it together.

Make him an active participant in your dh's actions, that way if contact is reestablished and she tries to distort things, it won't be 'she says he says'.

The little boy clearly feels like he has no control over the relationship with his mother, and at some level wants the fantasy that it is your dh who controls it, as he could reason with your dh and therefore reestablish the relationship with his mother. Sadly you need to pierce that fantasy, as no good can come of it.

It may be worth looking in the city.

When I had my therapy I got the 3pm train on a Friday to make the 5.30 appointment. I had appointments every 3 weeks instead of 2 to spread the cost. I stayed in some very grubby hotels when the sessions were going to be intense as the evening train was always full of people partying.

Yes I agree about the critical thinking. My DDs dad was like this. And they were really small. I’d saying knowing us as you do what do you think? Then why do you think we would do that? Ask him questions that help him shine some logical and critical thinking.
Show him the phone and text messages. Show that DH has tried. Ask what he’d like you to try next.
I never ever hid things from my kids. I was forced to be uncomfortably honest with them because the only protection we all had was the truth.