Regret having a baby

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I’m not really sure why I’m writing this, maybe I’m looking for someone to tell me it’s normal to feel this way still but I’m not sure it is.
I have a 9 month old who I love to pieces however I still have that feeling of having a baby was a bad decision. Our baby was very much wanted, we tried for years to conceive without success and eventually had IVF. I was so excited when the IVF was successful but since having the baby I mourn my old life, the way our relationship use to be and my freedom. I see lots of things about how it’s normal to feel like this in the newborn phase but we are now long past that stage and the feelings won’t go. Don’t get me wrong, I love my child but I can’t help feeling like I made a mistake having a child (I know that sounds terrible and I only really started feeling this at about 4 month pp). Baby sleeps through the night so it’s not a sleep deprivation thing. Is it normal to still feel this way at 9 months pp?

Sorry I have no advice just popping in to bump post for you.
Maybe it would be helpful to figure out what about your old life you miss, versus what about your new role in motherhood you love?
I always think the grass is greener in these situations. Before having DCs I thought I was fat, always skint, unhappy because I didn't have DC etc. Then I had 2 kids in 2 years and I'm like wow, okay NOW I'm fat and skint and reading books about unicorn poop 🤣 let me go back to the old me please haha.

Hope someone comes along who has experienced similar OP x

You may regret having had a baby. But I doubt, seventeen years down the line, you will regret having had a child.

I've heard quite a lot of this from people who have gone through IVF. Like they've been wanting it for so long, maybe have imagined continued life without children if they didn't choose IVF and IVF was unsuccessful. Me personally, I was the opposite and got pregnant first try, didn't feel old enough or prepared, had bad mental health during my first pregnancy. but loved being a mum and 9 months was a particularly enjoyable age. 2nd child though I regretted, felt like he was taking my attention away from oldest DD, and I couldn't love him the same. At about 20 months old I bonded i stopped regretting. He was settled in childcare and I had my freedom back, wasn't always thinking about getting him back to the safe set up at home. And he loves exploring.

It’s really hard when you have a child, it’s such a shock to the system and your life really does change dramatically. I think you need to try to come to some sort of acceptance and try and find a new routine of how your life is now. Are you back at work yet? I think when I had my first, I started feeling more “me” once I got back to work after DD1 because I had that time by myself. As she got older and we could go out more together and do things that weren’t “baby” activities, I really started enjoying our time together. You will find your new way of living, it just takes some time and 9 months is still early days of motherhood!! I’ve just gone back to work after DD2 and life feels a bit like it’s gone back to normal almost.

My guess is as you had difficulty conceiving you spent quite a bit of time imagining what your life would be like if you didn't have IVF or it wasn't sucessful and you remained childfree. I would try to work out what it is about that life you crave and if you can have more of that as your child gets older and easier to care for. I still found things very tricky with a 9 month old.

I think this is fairly normal with IVF. You spend so long chasing a "dream" that you actually forget what that dream really involves. Nine months in is still very early days and having a baby is a huge shock to the system. Are you able to return to work OP?

9 months is very, very early days. You still have toddlerhood to get through as well which isn't easy.

I think people all agree newborns are extremely hard work and sort of omit to tell you that it doesn't get significantly easier after that so you need to adjust your expectations.

Your life has changed. You can't go back to your old self. Babies don't fit in your life, you fit in theirs. And that is an extremely hard thing to get used to so what you are feeling is totally normal. It's ok to mourn your old life and to miss some of it. It doesn't mean you regret your baby or that you're a bad mum. You are just human.

I honestly didn’t think I’d feel the way you did, but I really really struggled the entire maternity leave period. After initially wrestling with the guilt and worry about my DD going nursery, once she settled and I went back to work part time, it was like the fog had lifted and I felt more like myself again. I have always fiercely loved my daughter, but I don’t think I actually enjoyed parenting until she was over a year old, maybe even a little longer.

she loves nursery, I have my own identity and frankly, a break, at work. I now actually enjoy the time with her more when we are together because there’s less of it. I didn’t realise that was the issue during maternity leave- I was dreading going back because I was worried about the logistics and how we’d both cope, but it really really helped me.

I was dreading the toddler years, pre kids, and actually I’m enjoying this phase the most. Now was have little conversations, she makes us laugh, we have dancing sessions in the kitchen. It really has got better.

I really didn’t enjoy the 6-12 month period. Don’t beat yourself up or worry about her you are feeling- I think lots of us have been there!

It can be really tough going. You are not alone. I also mourn my former life but I also used to yearn to become a mother.

I felt similar during the first year, was relieved to go back to work but it’s because I think I like adult company and to be mentally challenged I’m a way that only my work can do (as opposed to the mental challenges of motherhood, which are very real)

What I would say to you is don’t feel bad about it, accept you feel this way, that age is a tough one, they’re doing lots but their personality is still developing. I miss my old life too but three years down the road, my daughter is such a wonderful little person and the joy she takes in life brings me joy, parts of my old life are returning albeit much less frequently than before, you will find a new normal that you will ease into. Right now you are likely very much in the trenches and arm deep in nappies / food / sleep routines, no wonder you miss how things were pre-child!

I found myself sitting in the car in a supermarket car park crying my eyes out. DD was at home with DH and she was 9 months. It had all caught up with me.

GP diagnosed PND but I’m still not convinced! It’s just such a big change. And knackering. And there’s no going back.

You will get to a place of ‘new normal’ although I don’t really like that phrase.

I absolutely loved DD but couldn’t catch a break. As others said going back to work helped .

Thank you all so much for your replies. I did spend years dreaming about what my life could be like with a child and also what it would be like if we didn’t have ivf or children. More to set myself up for the disappointment and to look at areas that would bring joy without children. I was very low when it didn’t happen naturally. The successful IVF lifted that and I think maybe to a certain degree you’re right. You dream of this perfect life while going through infertility and tell yourself the hard times won’t be that bad as it’s what you’ve always dreamed of and waited years for.
I will be going back to work part time in January and if I’m honest I’m really looking forward to getting a bit of me back but I feel terrible admitting it. Before I had my DC I had a successful career and had worked my way up the ladder. I am returning to the same role but the organisation has somewhat changed while I’ve been off.
I am sorry that others have been through this too but it is nice to hear that I am not alone on these feelings and that it is normal past the newborn stage. It’s strange I always imagined my life with children not babies if that makes any sense!

Babies are hard work

Instead of any time for yourself.
Now 24/7 you've got a young being whoever depends on you for every single minute of that 24 hours seven days a week.

It's a big adjustment- worse I think if you are older.

Life will go back to normal. Maybe when she starts nursery. So either 3-4 years old. But it's a hard slog until you get there. And if you have any more children.

You will be glad you had a child at age 3-5 but you may be wistful about all the time when they were younger which you unfortunately could not enjoy.

It does get easier OP and I've certainly felt a lot of sadness for the life I no longer have. For me that was compounded by practical decisions we made around where to live once we had kids but I also missed the freedom and the ability to throw myself into things that I enjoyed. Mine are 2 and 4 now and I would say that I enjoy spending time with the older one in a way that I never enjoyed spending time with babies. The younger one is now talking a lot and he is great company. You do get freedom back as they get older but you also get to start doing more fun stuff with them. It's ok to feel the way you do but I suspect you won't feel like this forever.